what does it mean when the tip of your tongue goes numb and a little tingly?

guess i was right to skip work today,
feeling all kinds of uncomfortable...
will go see doctor later.
posted by melody at 7/31/2006 03:29:00 p.m.

i spent three days reading evelina and now after i've finished it i find that there's an audiobook version available via podcast. ai. i guess this doesn't signify much, except that i could've "read" the book while commuting to work and saved some time then.
posted by melody at 7/31/2006 04:22:00 a.m.

好諷刺 我的成分終於達到百分百了

佔了超過一半的成分是... 好諷刺


XXX的成分：

* 腦殘：57.56%
* 剛租的ＤＶＤ就掉到水溝：17.49%
* 罪惡都市的人全部被拿去做賢者之石：11.27%
* 你已經死了!!!：6.37%
* 愛情滋味28%的咖啡因：5.70%
* 匈牙利葡萄人：0.89%
* 膽固醇：0.71%


我今天覺得自己很蠢。

與我無關了 你的一切一切
有沒有說生日快樂無所謂吧
你等的不是我
我是失敗的替代品吧
僅此而已
利用然後拋棄
就隨你的意思吧
我會默默的滾開
不再煩你
沒關係
我早習慣了
posted by melody at 7/30/2006 02:31:00 a.m.

this is an apology to my good friend.

i misunderstood you.
i blamed you.
i was wrong.
you were innocent.
you're here for me.
you've always been.
i know now.

thank you, time.

time is my friend.
i see that now.
posted by melody at 7/28/2006 12:47:00 a.m.

c.f. July 14th's entry on not needing rescue:

i hear my car battery's dead. totally dead.
i don't know how to deal with that.
help. SOS. rescue me.

(long silence)

no takers?
ugh, fine... i'll walk across the block and get a new one and install it myself...
posted by melody at 7/26/2006 03:07:00 a.m.

i think i know why i can't breathe at night now.

hold on. maybe i should backstep.

i came down with a severe cold about ten days ago, which got steadily worse since i continued to put in long hours at work and eventually got a middle ear infection as well. about 5 nights ago, i began experiencing difficulty in breathing at night. i was already coughing incessantly, but as it got later in the night (or rather, earlier in the day), it became increasingly uncomfortable whenever i sucked in air. even while i inhaled, i felt i was out of breath, and this somehow culminates in me coughing everytime i inhale. i'd lie in bed coughing for literally hours, eventually becoming only semi-conscious because i really was very tired. i would lose consciousness for a while, resume coughing, open my eyes for a bit, and realize the sun was up and it was all bright outside already.

i came up with several explanations.
1. my cold is a really really bad one. (it really is.)
2. i cough more when i'm tired, and as the irritation of my throat increases in degrees with the hours i stay awake, my cough becomes more severe, and because i'm coughing non-stop, i don't get enough air in my lungs. (but that doesn't make sense b/c even as you exhale, you automatically inhale.)
3. my childhood asthma attacks are coming back. (very likely theory.)
4. i'm too stressed over work and school and my aching heart so i'm having nervous breakdowns and hyperventilating (but alas, no numbness in the limbs).
5. my myasthenia gravis has finally spread to my internal organs and i am now going to lose my ability to expand and deflate my lungs and i am going to have to go into surgery and go on an artificial inhaler and get a full blood plasma exchange and do chemotherapy and possibly still end up living on an artificial inhaler and feeding tube (because i can expect to lose my ability to speak as well as swallow food and liquids.)

that last point, needless to say, completely freaked me out. it became even more difficult for me to get air. i think i came close to an emotional breakdown because i vaguely remember that i finally fell asleep because i got tired from crying helplessly into my pillow. after all, this theory actually makes the most sense - the more i repeat a muscle action, the worse the transmission between my nerves and said muscle because my cursed antibodies attack the neurotransmitters. that means that eventually, i become unable to perform that muscle action until a period of rest, say, 30 minutes. but obviously i can't cease breathing for 30 minutes and start again.

i'm rambling.

anyway.

my new hypothesis is that my trachea is simply irritated when i take showers at night. the cold/hot/cold transition hurts it. it constricts. i feel like i can't breathe. i got medication to expand my trachea. so i'm gonna stick with this simple (and much less scary) hypothesis for now, and see how it goes tonight.

now i really think i could've said that in fewer words...

at work i'm currently working on 200 word sample essays. when i get home, i have to tackle 2000 word essays. so i'm kinda relearning how to be wordy. blogging really is good practice for that.
posted by melody at 7/26/2006 03:02:00 a.m.

鹹鹹的 是異皕Q要把你忘記

還有多少次心碎才到終點?
還是說 永遠都沒有停泊的港口
只有不斷的受傷 帶著傷蹣跚前進
一直到孤獨的斷氣
posted by melody at 7/23/2006 01:17:00 a.m.

finally finished the 600+ page Tom Jones.
munching my way through the literary criticism.

i've got less than a month to complete 5 essays.
i've only done the reading for two, and i barely remember what i read.
my first exam is in 20 days.
i'm SO FUCKED.

i'm also on the verge of an asthma attack i think.
breathing is so uncomfortable.
got a middle ear infection too.
there's water in my left ear.
ai.
am i gonna go deaf?
i'm sure it's not that dramatic...
where are my antibiotics, doc?
you prescribed THREE anti-inflammatory meds!

got a raise at work though.
i disobeyed my own commands and went to work anyway, because the... i guess he's the CEO... made an appointment with me at three. you can't say no to the CEO. so it turns out tomorrow will be my last day at senior high division; starting monday i'll be working full time at the publishing company. i guess that's good for my resume?

i'll also be able to continue with commissioned writing after i get back to vancouver. i guess it's a pretty sweet deal, but i've kinda grown attached to the senior high division, as hectic as it is over there. i'll miss the lively crew. can't believe i haven't even been there for three months... i guess it's because i'm there so much, they've all become such a big part of my life.

oh well. on and on we go...
posted by melody at 7/22/2006 12:36:00 a.m.

病

今天被刺痛的耳膜喚醒
決定病癒之前不再強迫自己去上班了
除了星期六帶班 星期天開會...
我只有兩天的時間好起來 =____=

空閒下來的感覺很不好受
腦中一直飄忽著一些有的沒的
又想到那故事
男孩和女孩各自生了一場大病
把彼此忘掉了 一切都忘掉了
我也想
可是百分百的故事
一直都沒有我的存在餘地
我是串角
不
我是路人乙
僅此而已

開始懷疑一切的真實性
其實都是我的幻覺吧
其實什麼都沒有發生過
posted by melody at 7/20/2006 02:29:00 p.m.

過勞死 你要來了嗎?

病的好重好難過
不過還是賣命的工作啊工作
今天早上九點出門晚上十一點回家

嗯 拼吧
posted by melody at 7/17/2006 11:42:00 p.m.

the 4 hour shopaholic

levi's 2 tee set -- 300NT
navy skirt with belt -- 250NT
polka dot black dress -- 250NT
blue floral print baby doll dress -- 250NT
black floral ring -- 100NT
black/purple charm bracelet -- 200NT
black encrusted earrings -- 150NT
bejeweled hair pins (2) -- 149NT
black authentic abercrombie tee -- 200NT
dual layer gray halter top -- 140NT
authentic aqua blue lacoste polo -- 340NT
pink puma ankle socks -- 84NT x 2

total - 2497NT (~80CAD)

darn, no heels?

士林夜市, 我愛你~~~ :)

i seem to be coming down with something though, after 2 hours as elevator receptionist... *cough cough*
posted by melody at 7/16/2006 01:40:00 a.m.

寫給誰的? 是給我的嗎?
我就當是寫給我的好了.

小巫, 謝謝喔.

明天要來開會喔
不然就不曉得什麼時候才能碰面了.
posted by melody at 7/15/2006 12:52:00 a.m.

next up we have a multi-talented trilingual female who is uncertain of her own worth and therefore easy to take advantage of. bidding starts at 90NT. do i hear 110? 110, yes. do i hear 130? 130, yes. do i hear 150? 150. 150 going once. 150 going twice. 150 going three times! sold! to the gentleman in the left hand corner!

right after i complained that there's nothing new in life and nothing to look forward to, i got a new job. starting monday i'll be working at the publishing company. which kinda sucks cuz monday morning was my first big get-together with my coworkers. they're having a bbq. i also have to take the bus instead of the metro.

the more i think about it, the less i want to go. i can't make tuesday morning anyway because i have an appointment with the neurologist, and wednesday i still have to go to back to headquarters because i'm in charge of that class. garr.
posted by melody at 7/15/2006 12:17:00 a.m.

come to think of it...
do i know any girl who doesn't know how to do the above mentioned things?
what's wrong with the men of today?
posted by melody at 7/14/2006 02:23:00 a.m.

came across this:

As I was driving back from a modeling job today, I was thinking about what I would miss about him being gone. I will obviously miss his handiness around the house and the fact that I always have someone around to laugh and talk with. More than that though, I will miss how feminine he makes me feel everyday. In a world where women are supposed to be strong, independent, and "I don't need no man", I enjoy being able to be what the world would consider, weak, with my husband. I can fall into his arms and cry, feel safe and secure, and know that he doesn't look at me like I am pathetic or feel burdened.

I also can admit to him that I do not know how to fix a toilet, change a flat tire (sorry, I just haven't learned that skill), change the oil in my car, or hook up my DVD/VCR to my T.V. He doesn't look at me as stupid or helpless. These things are just not something I have ever needed or wanted to learn. I enjoy being a girl and feeling like my husband is my "Mr. Fix It" and "Knight in Shining Armour."

darn. i can fix a toilet, change a flat, change the oil in my car, and hook up my dvd to my tv. i can also sort my laundry properly and cook a decent, balanced meal if i wanted to. so that makes me better than your average guy. (in fact, i highly doubt most guys i know really know how to change a flat.) i don't need to be rescued. but i still want to be too.

i need someone to save me from myself. :(
posted by melody at 7/14/2006 02:17:00 a.m.

我. 不. 快. 樂.

因為沒有一個可以講的人, 所以只好打在網誌上. 真空虛.

沒有一個想要前進的方向 這樣活著好累
posted by melody at 7/13/2006 11:32:00 p.m.

breakfast.


looks like i'm back to being a night owl...
back to doing anything to keep my mind off other things.
back to talking to people who don't matter so as not to miss talking to those who matter.
silencing my questions that i'll never ask.
posted by melody at 7/13/2006 04:41:00 a.m.

liar liar pants on fire

listening to OLP

主任說上班搽黑色指甲油會把學生嚇跑
最好是 趕都趕不走
抹不掉的黑暗
是從我的黑心腸蔓延出來的
黑色的
posted by melody at 7/12/2006 11:24:00 p.m.

more uncomfortable dreams.
dreamt that i was typing "i'm not okay" as my msn status.
this is what, the third time i've had this dream?

stood all day in my heels at work b/c new ppl keep on sitting in my seat. GRRRRR
is it ok to slap students? is it ok to stab them with knives?
i'm so angry today. angry angry angry. GARRRRR

i'm not making any sense.
i want to break something.
maybe hearts.
i want to break hearts because i can't fix mine.
and if i can't have a complete heart no one shall!
GARRRRRRRRR

working on a typhoon day.
why AM i a slave for my job?
posted by melody at 7/12/2006 11:17:00 p.m.

持續的被工作淹沒
今天又接到倒楣電話
因為公司的制度或是學生自己的疏忽而被痛罵真是XXX
明天是第一天帶班 很期待 雖然不知道有什麼好期待的
最近真是都是流水帳
星期一要跟大家去烤肉 早上九點是個鬼時間
可是我們都只有這種鬼時間才有空 =____=

昨天忙完了躺在床上讀書 讀沒多久想說休息一下眼睛
結果睡著了一直到早上才醒來 燈沒關牙沒刷 連蠟燭都沒吹熄
我覺得我是被過度的玫瑰薰香叫醒的

真的不知道還有什麼可以說的
下班的時候忍不住跑進誠品買了最近兩期的cosmo
可是實在不曉得買來做什麼 也沒時間看
根本沒時間逛街或護膚 至於其他的... 根本與我無關
啊~~~~~ (沮喪的怒吼)

未來一週流程表:
(三) 上班+帶班 12pm-10pm
(四) 上班+夜唱ktv 12pm-6am
(五) 上班 12pm-10pm
(六) 上班+開會+帶班 9am-10pm
(日) 上班 9am-10pm
(一) 烤肉+上班 9am-10pm
(二) 看病+上班 9am-10pm

耶, 來吧! 往過勞死衝刺吧!!
posted by melody at 7/11/2006 11:10:00 p.m.

你痊癒的真快

好像從來沒有發生過一樣
posted by melody at 7/11/2006 12:51:00 a.m.

今天是工讀生大會
so many hopefuls, and about just as many unqualified's

本來晚上要去brass monkey看世足賽的
看來要不了了之了 因為要上班啊~
而且一點也不熱衷的感覺 一點都沒有四年前的氣氛
我還是利用那時間來乖乖讀書吧
進度落後了200頁了

真是流水帳
沒辦法 我在努力不思考中
我要空白 心情給我一片空白!!

不過雖然很努力讓自己很累很忙
累到全身的肌膚都在疼痛
可是昨晚還是醒了好幾次
一次是痛罵出聲醒的
一次是哭醒的
當然我已經忘了原因
真是壓抑啊...
posted by melody at 7/09/2006 11:02:00 p.m.

first day back at work.
a little hectic. so many changes in a week.
got up at 7:30am to catch the train back to taipei, no nap, 7 hours at work.
now 11:23pm, one shower and 100 pages of Tom Jones before bedtime.
yes, i finally had to draw up a strict;y enforced study schedule.
although it's enforced by myself and that never really works.
tmw need to get to work before 9am. ZZzzz...
posted by melody at 7/07/2006 11:25:00 p.m.

回家前去超商買個布丁
雖然沒有知多家的美味 布丁還是布丁
廣播放著福山雅治的那首歌
我想念我的朋友們
也想念單純沒有條件的快樂
那種沒有重量沒有負擔的無憂無慮
什麼時候才會再擁有?
posted by melody at 7/06/2006 12:47:00 a.m.

this entry consists of a relatively structured memo of past proceedings and a much looser jumble of somewhat random thoughts and observations.

6.30
missed the 6:45 train (watched it chug chug chug away)
took the 7:10am train. lucky enough to find an empty seat.
10:56am arrived in hualien
drove to taitung along the east coast
arrive at hot spring resort late afternoon
spa
dinner
hot spring
reading in bed: tom jones

7.01
11:30 boat to Green Island
toured the island on a scooter
lunch at 釣魚的人's
check into 鹿野山莊 (just down the road from the high security state prison)
scuba diving (with the cute instructor)
sunset at the lighthouse
dinner at 18海浬
reading in bed: tom jones
an uneasy sleep

7.02
woke up moments before the power outage at 3:48am
set out for 昭日溫泉 at 4:10am
watched the sun rise out of the surface of the ocean
soak in the natural oceanic hot springs
back for a nap
more scuba diving
lunch
2:30pm boat back to taitung
long drive home (hualien)
food poisoning
very long drive home

7.03
woken up by a violent earthquake around 3am
wanted to call someone, but who?
went to check on dad's fever instead
intermittent excrutiating abdominal pain
reading in bed: tom jones

7.04
reading in bed: tom jones and vogue

7.05
reading in bed: tom jones
catching up on a week's worth of e-mails
watched superman *big grin*

tomorrow (7.06):
lunch/afternoon at 王記茶舖
will order the 玫瑰鐵觀音茶 and read the afternoon away
dinner at 燒肉工房
perhaps watch da vinci's code (finally)
more reading in bed: tom jones and GQ

*

enjoying my vacation
brandon routh = the new hotness
kumar makes for a funny villian
kevin spacey is brilliant
26 hours in the green was not enough
want to get a diving license
miss you
where is my bikini line?
posted by melody at 7/06/2006 12:16:00 a.m.