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Saturday, November 29, 2003
in response to roz's blog:
i dun remember when i stopped using umbrellas (likely b/c i never did unless my parents forced me) but i do remember when i started using them... the silly things u change for ppl... in the end, really it's all irrelevant. went to visit oyama yesterday at pg~ we looked at the album we made her when we graduated. funny, i didn't remember that we made her an album till she mentioned it the last time we went to see her, and i didn't remember what it looked like or what was in it till we saw it yesterday... i forget a lot of these things... too used to the output maybe... apparently i had asked everybody in both gr 12 jap classes to bring in photos of themselves and other ppl in jap class and to all write a thank u note to put into the album... interesting... it was also interesting cuz i found a lot of photos that are missing from my own photo collection, b/c i had to supply photos for some ppl... :p is it more important to u that u remember the ppl in ur life, or that they remember u in theirs? i think that's a really good question to ask urself... although i don't know what the answer is an indicator of... i guess it'd corelate positively w/ do u like giving presents or recieving them... 聰明的人聽的懂我在說什麼 i have a lot of normally blog-worthy stuff... but somehow no motivation to blog it all... maybe some other day. even tho i've been saying that a lot lately while i sit in front of my computer, and most of it still remains in my head. or has been forgotten. maybe that's best, really. i'm always getting depressed after reading my own writings... maybe i just can't tell the difference btwn sentimentality and depression, but i personally don't believe there's a big difference... sometimes i don't care about causation, or corelation, or all those stupid technical and scientific terms i deal w/ in school everyday... things are the way they are b/c they are. can't we just leave it at that? life sux, ppl lie, shit happens... stop asking why Thursday, November 27, 2003
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
joe millionaire apparently ended well, bravo.
it was pretty predictable tho... linda can never make up her mind on the spot, so u know that she's gonna contact him afterwards. and they kept filiming after he got to texas, so u know she's gonna meet him there. and he is led to a nice ranch, so u know they're so gonna give it to him. -___-" can't get myself to... i don't know, feel anything positive these few days. there are good moments but they just fade away... i was prepared to quit after this carton, or at the least stop buying cigarettes... but i ended up doing so anyway. i was smoking outside buch this morning waiting for class to start, and i was wearing my sunglasses cuz the sunlight was unbearably bright... i looked up at the buchanan tower, and for a couple seconds i really thought it was gonna topple over me. and even more oddly, i didn't panic. it was just a realization, with no emotions attatched. "oh, that building is falling over and it's gonna crush me." maybe it's my sleeping habits. or something. i don't know. i told myself that i'd go to all the classes this week, but i'm awake all day today and i've only attended psych. which turned out to be not so informative, cuz we were learning about sleeping and dreaming and we digressed onto yawning, and there was nothing during this class that i haven't learned already from previous psych classes or from my own reading. largely from the research essay i did on yawning and "dreams for dummies". -___-" and it bugged me that the prof kept not seeing my hand in the air when he was talking about the yawning issues and saying how he hasn't seen any studies with conclusive results for blah blah, and i wanted to tell him that i did read several reports that proved such and such hypothesis... oh well. his loss. went to try and find our psych lab ta after class w/ my group members cuz he hasn't given us the statistics for our report yet, but it's due in less than a week... couldn't find him, and my group members seem pretty annoyed, tho i'm probably not gonna start till the weekend... i'm still feeling detatched... writing is barely helping me... it used to be therapeutic, it used to make me feel... i'm not used to not feeling anything... i'm used to near-mania euphoria and decapitating sadness or paralyzing panic attacks, but not this numbness... maybe telling a joke will help. the funniest thing in a long time happened yesterday during biol tutorial. it's not quite as funny if u weren't there, as i discovered when i was telling david about it yesterday, but here it is anyway. al: so that's the answer for #2, right? peter: yeah. so do you speak cantonese? al: what? peter: like, do u understand it, like listen to it? al: *pause* i'm native man. peter: *confused* hmm...? me and al: *crazy laughing* it's just not funny unless u were there... on second thought... nobody else who was there thought it was funny either... we sort of interupted an entire discussion the class was having w/ the laughing... it feels so long ago already... Monday, November 24, 2003
oh i thought of something else to say...
most ppl in this world think mental ppl are crazy and weird. here mental ppl means anyone who's clinically diagnosed w/ a psychological disease... i just realized that "mental ppl" sounds insulting to most ppl. -___-" anyway. i realized that i'm weird b/c i feel EXCLUDED from the mental ppl... it's like i'd rather be weird than sane... i hate being just one in the crowd, but really that's what i am... nothing about me makes me especially unique, and that bugs me, digs at me... to the 100% normal ppl (altho u could argue no one really is), i'm different. but at most i'm just quirky... so really i don't know why i fear seeing a clincian. am i afriad that i've actually lost my mind, or that i really haven't........
i finally got enough sleep for once.
i slept for 15 hours. which isn't bad... but it was from 8am-11pm. that's... not so great. it also just occured to me that there's only one week of school left... hopefully i can make it to every class!! ther's only 3 days o school, really shouldn't be too much to ask... but knowing me.. and my sleeping habits... >"< i've really been neglecting my blog... even the past couple entries were just copied and pasted from elsewhere... i guess i should review my life a bit. fiirst order of business, i'm going back to taiwan!!! the ticket still costs a ridiculous amount, but i got the dates i wanted and mom's PR card thing isn't gonna come down till feburary so she won't be coming for a while... so, yay! it just kinda sucks that i already prepared myself for a long and boring winter in vancouver... i was planning on dragging someone to boxing day and buying the pink zipper jacket i wanted and shoes, and attending a couple dances, force david to hang out w/ me. keke. it seems like i'm going back to tw real soon, i keep on ignoring the fact that i still need to get through the finals, and hopefully pass all of them... i need about 41~45% on my biol final, and 50% on my chem final... the psyc finals i'll be ok, the higher my mark the better. with these grades, i'd need a miracle to get into english major, but i think i'll worry about that next term... went to dan-the-tutor chem review part I on saturday morning... (there's 4 parts). it was ok. i was kinda worried that it'd be the same as the midterm review but i did end up learning some new stuff. just a reminder to self that next time i should sit alone instead of w/ ann and hendra... i don't think they REALLY get what it feels like to be on the edge of passing and really needing to pay full attention. in other words, they talked too much... it's so sad... "on the edge of passing"... not "on the edge of failing"... = just under 50% = just above 50% friday was the interdepartment games for CASS... only me and michelle showed up from PR... that's so depressing. we actually won the competition, but it's really only b/c we got to pick anyone in the end to help us, so we got the best of all departments, haha. department's sooo falling apart... i have no idea how we're gonna fund the events for the rest of the year like this... hmm. there's really nothing else i can think of to say... been sorta under water level the past couple days (that's mel linguo for being more down than up. which is mel linguo for... ah whatever. either u get it or u don't.) i was just starting to believe that u can actually make friends on the internet, when one person sent me a virus website, and another person just spontaneously decided he doesn't want to talk to me, and explicitly stated so... what'd i do??? *sigh*. it's hard not to think that "it's not my problem"... the 15 hours of sleep really helped tho, and i got up to go eat w/ david so it was even better. it would've been perfect really if there weren't CHUNKS of msg in my 泰式香辣炒飯... OMG!! i just remembered that i can go back to good thai food in taiwan!! 檸檬魚 and 酸辣生蝦... ^___^ and i get to eat mom's cooking, and fish... and all sorts of other wonderful things that makes life worth living... :) it makes everything else seem inconsequential... sometimes i think good food is better than human contact. of course good food is even better when someone's enjoying it with u, but not when it means u get less to eat. hahaha~ i'm on the verge of saying "i totally understand compulsive eating", but according to the DSM compulsive eaters don't find joy in eating. i say that's bullshit. they might feel bad afterwards but i bet you anything nothing compares to the joy when they're doing the actual eating. i wanna eat now... Sunday, November 23, 2003
我發現 我又陷入低潮了
現實生活過的不是很好 我今天晚上沒有去dance 可是我約了david之後去吃宵夜 看著周圍一群喝的半醉的人 又開始覺得 這世上的一切都跟我無關... 爬上網 看留言 竟然有人引我到病毒網站 結果他朋友還跑來問我幹嘛黑他... 好累喔 仔細想一想 我過去一個禮拜沒有一天睡超過5小時... 為什麼... 我不喜歡低潮的美樂蒂... 也沒有人喜歡低潮的美樂蒂 可是就像我今天玩gameboy的時候一樣 我怎麼按鍵 都還是跳不出深淵...... Friday, November 21, 2003
this week's fridayfive reminds me of the standard 5x5 essay
1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year. pass chem pass biol fix paint chips on car earn more money ....................? 2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again. ．．．．． ．．． ．．．． ．．．．． ...............? 3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do. play accoustic guitar drive manual, or a motorcycle. i'd also like to learn how to get good grades w/o studying how to lose weight but keep on my present lifestyle and... hmm. 4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit). cars, cars, and cars. complete all the degrees i want at the top schools (even if i have to buy my way in and pay ppl to write exams for the courses i won't pass) buy things for ppl i like. which won't be a lot anyway. hmm. 5. List five things you do that help you relax. i don't relax, i panic. then i get tired after panicking. then i sleep. ．．．．．．． helps too. that counts as 4, right? i left a blank in every question... it's always nice to have space... just empty space... and censorship is also always nice. fridayfive is to get myself thinking, not an excuse for me to impose myself onto the rest of the world.
下雪了．．．
訂到機票了 可是要不要開票 選擇權不在我 還有四個小時 靜待父母大人的決定 我應該很期待回台灣才對 可是我竟然莫名其妙的怕起來 我好久沒回去了 (其實一年不算久) 每次回去 都覺得很跟不上的感覺 (其實跟不上又怎樣) 一年來 家人發生很多改變 我不知道要怎麼面對 我不想要外人的感覺 可是我怕我正是個外人... 我有多久沒寫信給claire... laura上大學到底怎樣了 colette還有沒有接到新的model工作 小阿姨精神穩定了點沒 我什麼都不知道... 今天的心理學課是期待已久的自殺主題 可是沒學到什麼新東西 還是講理論 講研究 講statistics... 有人問 通常自殺的原因是...? 他竟然沒有答案. 我知道這很廢 因為每個人的原因都不一樣 可是... 我期待這堂課好久了 我想 我有點失望... Wednesday, November 19, 2003
why isn't kimo working?
why isn't it working!! why!! why!!! i'm so addicted i think i'll go nuts soon.
i feel like such an iddiot...
so last night i didn't get any sleep cuz i took my time writing the two english essays, then i went to psyc 260 in the morning, which was all very nice and fine... i stayed in ubc till 12:30 cuz david was giving me a ride and he had a client to meet, and altho i felt sick that was ok... then i went home, set up two alarm clocks for 3:20pm, and went to sleep... and when did i wake up? 6pm. which is fine on a normal day, but today, that means i missed the most important psyc lab EVER... today is the day we finally run the experiment we've supposedly been working on for a month, and it was also the last official psyc lab of the term... therefore there was also lab evaluation and peer evaluation done today... and i was supposed to bring some important material for our experiment... UGHHH... i still can't believe that i could possibly sleep in and miss this lab... it's like i just missed a final that i could've aced... in fact it is very much like the day i burned my hand before i was going to the english final... DAMNIT... >__________< i feel so guilty now, cuz i don't know if they were able to run the experiment smoothly with one person missing and without the transparencies that i was supposed to bring... since we're measuring how much time the mouse spent within a certain radius of the drink bottles it kinda sucks that they didn't have the transparencies that had the radius circle drawn on... noooo... i'm such an iddiot!!! ARGHHHHH!!! i just composed two quite formal e-mails to my lab partners and TAs... i was so tempted to go "omg i feel sooo sorry!!! >___<", haha... cuz "i sincerely apologize for missing the lab today and for any inconvenience my absence has caused" just somehow doesn't sound quite as sincere as >_____<. so i guess the "emoticon-people" are right sometimes... *sigh* i'll feel bad if i just got to use the group's data, especially since i dont' think we're gonna get a statistically significant result, so the observation is quite important for the lab report... but then i'll probably tick the TAs off if i asked to do a smaller scale replica of the experiment by myself. (not to mention it would be a LOT of work...) ai... i'll see what they have to say... prob won't find out till much later... this year the only prof/TA i know that actually gets back to his students within 36 hours is my biol prof dr. berger... nobody even wants to approach comisarow (chem 233), my abnormal psyc prof neglected to announce his office hours (i think deliberately), and all the TAs and even the biol 200 lab instructor take days to reply their course related e-mail... i'll just sit here and... await my doom... now i'm gonna be paranoid about not being able to wake up for stuff... Monday, November 17, 2003
i haven't looked at my grad year annual for a long long time...
wow, i've graduated for 1.5 years already? that's just nuts. i realized that a few ppl left me their ICQ #s and said to keep in touch, but in all the rush and excitement of graduation, i didn't see it till 1.5 years later.. err, it's too late to keep in touch... right? it's interesting to know what ppl think about me... the ppl that didn't really get to know me... i think i've been characterized by a lot of superficial qualities... but then again, if a person doesn't know u then u can't blame them for making superficial judgements, cuz that's all they've got access to really... i slept till 7pm today... such an lazy ass, i know. i went out to buy lots of junk food last night and spent some time at the beach... i figured i'd do all my work on sunday, but sunday's over and i still haven't started... i did hang out with david tho, and we went to downtown for ramen and gelato, then we argued cuz of our unbelievably different beliefs again... i bumped my back bumper and since we were still pissed off at each other i didn't go check it, then i tripped and stubbed my toe so now it hurts too much for me to walk downstairs and check how my back bumper looks like... >"< so stupid, me stubbing my toe... i can't believe a stubbed toe is all tho, cuz i was rolling around in tears and pain for minutes, i just felt a blinding hot pain in my lower body... but apparently i only hurt my toe... i'm gonna go see the doctor tmw so i can get a note and not take my biol quiz, kekeke~ i really dun have time to study for it properly tonight... i hope it doesn't get any more swollen tho, i do wanna go to class on tuesday... and i don't wanna limp around on the bus... (it's my right foot, and i haven't learnt how to drive with just my left foot yet.) huh. i'm done reporting my day already? that was fast... -___-" now i have to get on to writing the essays...? damnit! essays on expanded definition and arguments... grrr... maybe english as second major isn't such a great idea after all... Sunday, November 16, 2003
the downside to discovering blogging in chinese?
i might be posting song lyrics excessively. but that's alright... most ppl i know tend to skip lyrics... cuz a song lyric will only touch u when u can relate to it, and different ppl relate to diff songs at diff times... we are really alone, for the most part of our lives. 王力宏 -- 此刻你心理想起誰 可能是轉角的便利店 大夜班兩點或三點 在收款機的旁邊 她幻想著 新球鞋 黏著別人的錢 不發一言 在兩坪租來的房間 Woo 她盯著在泡的泡麵 若三分鐘 就能實現 她許願學費 能輕一點 但明天像利息 在循環今天 誰會給你安慰 瞭解 當覺得傷悲 Woo 此刻 你心裡 想起誰 誰會陪你流眼淚 面對 當心灰意冷 Woo 此刻 你心裡 想起誰 Woo 又是一次空白的考卷 努力也未必能勝天 Woo 她永遠是 不起眼 沒有面目跟在後面 沒有人在乎她出不出現 Why 我一樣也有我的夢 Woo 我和你並沒有不同 但誰會懂 (但誰會懂) (但誰會懂) (安慰)安慰 (瞭解)瞭解 (當覺得傷悲) Woo 此刻 你心裡 想起誰 到底有沒有這個誰 (流淚)流眼淚 (面對)面對 (當心灰意冷) ya..ya.. 此刻 你心裡 想起誰 誰... 他想起遠方媽媽的臉 生命是艱難的考驗
他一直期待著有些什麼事會發生
一天結束了 什麼也沒有 只是平凡的一天 一天一天 接成一個禮拜 再連成月 月接月變年 歲月就這樣與他擦肩而過 不自覺中 他老了 等的那些事 始終也沒有發生 某年冬天早上 他忘了呼吸 就這樣結束了平凡的一生
*sigh* i've lost my post.
blogger lied, it said press ok to save and i did. anyway. as i was saying. i have a biol quiz and two essays due for monday, yet i'm not doing anything about it. i tried, i refused to go shopping w/ jenny and dewi, and i brought my biol text w/ me to KCC, but i just ended up dazing till david finished playing... dazed through dinner at sushi king, and dazed out for another 3 hours at his house... we looked through the 2002-2003 point grey yearbook... there seems to be a lot of ppl that i don't like in highschool. luckily i don't hear about them much after i grad so i don't have to think about them. starbucks has taken out their christmas cups... we're supposed to feel like the holiday season is upon us now. but i don't feel it at all... it's been raining all weekend, i'm completely allergic all day long, exams are approaching, and i'll be stuck here in this boring city with its numerous rich ppl who i despise. oh, is this what they meant by holiday season? believe it or not i'm actually trying to be cheerful already... but it's just hard... having to be here... i used to want to stay for christmas, back in highschool.. but now that i am, i don't see what's to look forward to... i'll most likely be sitting home by myself on christmas and new year's eve, watching tv or something like that... this is stupid. why should i try to make myself turn that into a good thing? what's the point of trying so hard to find a positive viewpoint of all this? at this moment in time, my life is shitty. i feel shitty. that's just the way it is, and there's no point trying to pretend it's not. Friday, November 14, 2003
oh my god. i've discovered the secret to posting in chinese.
i'm still trying to figure out how i can get my headings (like "星期五 十一月") to be in english while the text is still chinese-friendly, however. still, this is a big improvement... :) see how productive ppl can be when they're down? the abnormal psyc prof went over the theory that depressed ppl are really just more realistic. it's not that they're pessimisstic, they have a better perception of "statistical probability". the example the prof used was that, a depressed person would not bother buying a lottery ticket b/c he would not expect to win. a non-depressed person, on the other hand, might buy a ticket and have hopes of possibly winning. who is being more realistic? so it's not that depressed ppl are abnormally pessimistic... it's the non-depressed ppl that are abnormally optimistic. that's an interesting thought... and worded to eloquently... heh
i'm bored.
and a little down. but i think i'm just down b/c i'm bored. -___-" identifying what's making me down - my new plan.
i found out that i can d/l songs real fast from mikemike.com at night...
so i d/led a whole bunch last night.. now i feel like joining VIP so i can get the entire album... who knows, maybe i'll do that this winter break. sit at home and d/l every song on the website, haha. i don't think i've gone this long w/o buying a cd... what was the last one that i got? besides david tao for roz? i think it was the christina aguilera cd... MAN that was long ago... -___-" so i slept at 7am and did not hear my alarm clocks and didn't manage to go to psyc 260... that's the first time i missed psyc 260, a little hard to believe, but i've really been making it to all the classes so far. i kept on sleeping till it was time to go to psyc 300, but my stomach started hurting a lot so i didn't enjoy it very much... cancelled all my obligations and came home to rest, which in my world is synonymous as watching television. i don't like words like synonymous or anonymous. i always have trouble spelling them. i find a new common grammatical mistake today... ppl are often saying "i could've sworn i saw her there." do u see what's wrong w/ the sentence? "could have sworn" is past perfect, "saw" is past tense. this implies that the spealker swore first, then saw the girl. which is not the intended meaning of the sentence... but everyone says "i could've sworn i saw her", nobody says "i swore i had seen her." anyway. i do carry on... but it just so happens this week's fridayfive is englishy too. (since it asks for adjectives..) 1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space. gross. 2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer. elusive and resourceful. elusive b/c i've never met him, resourceful b/c he hired me and finds me students. 3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pasttime. fast-paced, variable, unrealistic. (i'm talking about tv) 4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day. i don't have any such thing as a typical day... but if u wanna force me to catagorize, i can treat this like a CAPP11 assignment... how's "uneventful", "solitary", "imaginative", "emotional". 5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life. "leisurable", "relaxed", "loved", "healthy", "eventful". i know that i'm gonna end up coming across some person who had better answers to these questions than me and be tempted to change my choices.. :p whatever, i'm not an adjective person, i'm more of a descriptive essay person. Thursday, November 13, 2003
ugh man... i've got 2.5 hours to sleep before i have to wake up for my first class in 6 days, and i just don't feel like going to bed... i know i can fall asleep real soon if i did... i'll blame eason, the music has got me hooked.
the past 6 days... i'd pretty much forgotten that i was a student... of course there was still the nagging anxiety about the possibility of me failing my biol and chem finals... but i've been ignoring those impulses... now that i think about it, my activities during my break was largely david and club oriented. and my tutoring work. friday- cass soap and bath bomb workshop and dinner at keg w/ jenny n ann, then david's house saturday- david's house sunday- tutor monday- meeting w/ am1320 for club, meet david tuesday- cass 3-on-3 bball tournament, 'dinner' w/ cass ppl, hang out with david wednesday- tutor, hang out with david. it's been a good 6 day break... didn't get enough sleep at all, even tho i didn't really do much... but it's been a good break. so i guess i'm not going to sleep just b/c i don't want the break to end... ahh.. now that i realize it, this pattern always persists... that's why i slept real late on sunday nights even when i have no work due... or why i can't go to bed the night before the first day of school... cuz i know that when i wake up, i have to switch to a different mode... tmw... or rather, today,... since i'm still up right now, i guess i'm only going to attend my psyc lectures... i know i ought to resume going to biol and chem classes, afterall i've only got what, less than 10 days of school, including my one-hour mondays... oh.. nice... i just went to flip through my agenda to see how many days of school i have left and i realized i have a biol pre-test due in 2 hours, heh... i've gotta say the past 24 hours have been pretty good in a way... anyway, i've only got 7 days of school left... so i oughta go to biol and chem. but i just don't see a point in going to chem, and biol is so freaking early... *sigh* so today i've got a psyc class in the morning, and a psyc class at night, then tutoring in richmond at night... might have to somehow squeeze in an hour of tutoring w/ the twins somewhere, cuz it turns out i'm going to the acg play on friday afterall (thanks to jenny's VIP tix, keke)... then i've got fri, sat, and sun to work on an essay and biol unit 7 post-test... it's a big unit... -___-" and then 11/22 marks the beginning of dan-the-tutor chem review and my crazed final cramming and psyc lab report writing, which i need to do good on... i'll be okay... i just need to start studying soon. need to master task-oriented coping!!! *laughs* i wonder if i giggle... i used to believe that giggling was a totally girly thing and therefore i wouldn't be caught dead giggling. i thought i'd softened and became less boyish already, but i still get laughed at by the twins b/c i prefer jeans over skirts. i don't really know how that's funny... that's the thing about twins. u'd be doing something and they'd both start giggling for no apparent (to u) reason and u just wouldn't get it... and one of them would start a sentence and the other one would get it halfway and they'd laugh and u won't know what's up. -___-" this is a cruel scenario to consider i guess, but if u had twins and one of them died before it was born or shortly after, would u tell the surviving child that he/she was a twin? there's all sorts of psychological research about this, i forgot what the associated terms are tho. and did u know that because i used "it" to describe the dead twin instead of "he/she", i've affected your response to the question? sometimes i think it's better not to understand all the psyc theories... for example, i couldn't fully just enjoy alias grace b/c i just happened to be doing somatoform and dissociative disorders in class while i was reading the later half of the novel and no matter how hard i tried not to i kept on diagnosing grace. it was fun, but then it made me miss the days where i would just think "the character is acting weird, i wonder what's going on"... do we just expect depressed ppl to have negative feelings? or can we concentrate on those feelings and events as if it were a serious thing w/ motives and consequences each time? i mean, if u were working in an asylum, u just come to expect that the inmates are going to act nutty. the schizos will experience feelings of gradeur, the psychos will experience outrageous illusions, the depressed will sit in corners crying and muttering to oneself. (when they're all off meds, that is. which i guess won't happen in an asylum...) u just stop seeing each one as a person, as an individual, who's experienced things that cause the suffering... i hope i never become like that... become a psychologist who only sees symptoms, not the person. u know... i think how u refer to ppl in asylums can reflect how u view them... if u call them "people", u're probably a sympathetic, understanding person if u call them "patients", then u're more of an impartial physician character if u call them "inmates", like i did, u probably belong in one. :p o, m, g. i need to stop typing nonsense and get myself to bed before the construction workers start and i can't sleep.
just watched seven, again
and i didn't get to see the ending, again everytime it's on tv i record it and i always end up running out of tape so i never get to see the ending... the last time i saw the ending i believe was at least more than 4 years ago... probably more... so i wasn't old enough to understand all of it getting a totally different understanding of it this time this is the good part about growing up u notice and understand things that u never did before like many years ago, each time i read "the little prince" i would find something new that i hadn't realized before... but then this isn't always a good thing i suppose... is it better to know, or not? to be ignorant, but shielded from pain? that's the whole idea behind edited films... right? u never know which u'd prefer, till u know there's also a lot of things we don't get when we're reading children's books, as children, i mean. i was reading "a special critter" w/ the twins today, and it was interesting to see their interpretation of the story... the little parts that they didn't understand and where their imagination moved in... i probably did that a lot when i was a kid, cuz i didn't have anybody who would go over what i was reading w/ me... it was fun tho, it wasn't at all a lonely experience as some psychologists i'm sure would label it... sometimes ppl just wanna see what they wanna see, want things to be the way they want them to be... i sound so philosophical but really it's nearly 6am and i'm dead tired and i'm just airing my thoughts... :p Monday, November 10, 2003
taking a break from preparing english provincial exam key...
since i went to tutor today and found that i didn't bring enough exercises... :p i'm printing and working through the 2002 june english provincial, which is the one i wrote... i barely have any recognition of it... tho i remember the poem and story vaguely... this is gonna suck, since i plan on writing a sample answer for the poetry and narrative sections, and maybe the composition one... -__-" i haven't been documenting my life for the past week or so, and sadly, apparently if i don't write things down, i tend to forget them... i'll jot down fragments while i still have them in my brain... i had two weird dreams marked by violent emotions in the past week... in the first one i was standing next to roz and she wouldn't stop talking so i ended up reaching out and driving a wooden pencil into her chest... it was a funny dream in a way b/c i felt real anger and annoyance in the dream but it had nothing to do w/ my real life relations and feelings for roz... the second one was a bit weirder... i was somewhere having a drink w/ jenny, and when we came out i saw these ppl hanging out by my car, so i said in a cross voice, "hey, do u mind??", so the ppl went away... but then i looked and it wasn't my car, and my car wasn't where i left it.. so i started panicking and i just knew that someone had stolen it, but jenny said with a surpressed giggle that maybe i'd like to check out that building across the street, and so i started thinking that she took my car to lure me someplace and that pissed me off a lot... but i followed her to the building, all the while fuming silently, and when we got there it turned out that my friends had planned a surprise party for me... but i was furious, and i didn't want to stay, but they kept on insisting, and winnie and ann started dragging me down the stairs when i tried to leave, and ann pinched me, so i got really really pissed off so i started to attack ann... by this time i was already half awake, and even tho i was concious enough to control myself, i still ended up punching air before awaking... that was a weird, weird dream... i've woken up laughing and i've woken up crying, but i've never woken up punching... -___-" friday was the CASS soap and bath bomb workshop, jenny, ann, and I went... it turned out to be really really fun, even tho i was having a bad headache... me and ann are still trying to figure out how come some ppl made tons of pieces of soap, but me and ann each only had enough soap to make one... but that's alright, i like my pink octopus soap, even tho i didn't put enough scent into it. i still don't know who to give it to, as i don't see myself using it... it was pretty late when we finished the workshop, but we decided to go to richmond keg... food was good... mmm... i forgot to ask ann if the filet mignon was really good, even tho i urged her to order it just so i could find out, heh. it doesn't matter anyway, i'll probably always order the sirloin classic... dropped by cambie community center b/c jenny supposedly was gonna pass out flyers for the bball tournament, heh... haven't seen a lot of ppl play basketball for a long time... a few weeks, in fact. :p i still regret not watching all the bball games in gr12... i guess i never realized that it would be the last time i sit in a gym and watched a school game. or it's not, but it's the last time i'll know who all the players are and actually feel excited about the game... the thunderbird games just bore me, cuz i can't relate to the team... after that i got bubble tea and went to david's... i've been doing that three nights in a row, cuz he's supposed to be studying for his chem test. it turns out he's doing electrochem now, which is the stuff i struggled w/ in chem 121... i didn't know it was called electrochem tho, i thought that referred to redox equations. this reminds me of the phrase someone wrote in an e-mail... once u get to university, u realize that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math. tmw i have to go to a meeting w/ am1320 promotion ppl... *sigh* i didn't even know there was an am1320... haha~ i have no idea what i'm supposed to do at the meeting, i guess i'll just sit there politely and pretend to know what's going on. somedays i just don't feel PR-ish. have 4 days of work next week, yay for me, in a way... cuz i really oughta be studying... i have to catch up on chem and biol (major catching up), and it would be nice if i could read ahead for the two psyc courses cuz it helps me look smart in psyc 260 and helps me remember stuff better in abnormal psyc... i also gotta start doing major researching for my psyc 260 experiment... and work on essays... and hopefully have enough tutoring material to last through december... i also need to contact the new potential student... tho i'd getting kinda lazy since i actually have work these days... shouldn't get lazy tho, i'm not making half as much as i'd like to be making... when mom calls me lately she doesn't nag quite as much, i think she's really worried that i'd get depressed like the rest of the family, heh... i don't know if i've ever qualified to be clinically depressed, but right now i feel okay, so that's good. i've been feeling really dazed out this past weekend, especially when i drive, which isn't a good thing... but i think it's just b/c i'm getting a lot of sleep. also my eyes are probably deteriorating... the car lights and stuff at night really distract me now... recently discovered: kettle chips, honey dijon flavoured. it tastes like white spot's honey mustard sauce... so delicious... i think i'm having too much chips... and too much junk food altogether... my weight is still the same but i'm visibly rounder now, haha~ i prefer to be round... cuz my face only fills out when i'm really getting fat, and i'd rather have a rounder face than the yellowy sunken face i get sometimes... but then the rest of me gets much rounder too... not very aesthetic i guess, even tho it feels pretty warm and comfy... :p Sunday, November 09, 2003
fridayfive:
1. What food do you like that most people hate? i'm taiwanese, this list can go on and on with a bunch of innards... but more specific to me i guess i'll say fish eyeballs and brains. 2. What food do you hate that most people love? certain kinds of mushrooms, asparagus, eggplant, brocolli... but i think these are common aversions... 3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you? matthew macona.... okay i dun even know how to spell his name. i don't actually dislike him... i just can't think of any celebrity my friends like that i find unappealing. i guess all my friends have good taste then. OHHH... me iddiot, i forgot to consider hk stars... then the list goes on and on forever, but it starts with TWINS. ugh. 4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find attractive? hmm. can't think of any at the moment... probably cuz i dun stop much to consider what other ppl have to say about what i like... 5. What popular trend baffles you? oh dear, where to start. first of all, tight jeans. those really really really tight jeans where everyone's 5 sizes too small and it gets so tight it scrunches up around the knee... i don't get a lot of hair trends... i don't get the whole deal w/ the bling bling for rappers, or white boys (or even asian boys) who wanna be black. Friday, November 07, 2003
i dunno if i've been mentioning this stuff...
but after my aunt's car accident she had all these problems... after a lot of cramming for my psyc 300c exam, i would say she's exhibiting symptoms of selective dissociative amnesia (forgets selective events such as her divorce sometimes) somatoform disorder of some sort (cannot remember which pedal is gas and which is brake no matter how many times it's repeated) post-traumatic stress disorder depression but all she got on her diagnosis was "depression", and all she's getting is anti-depressants... then claire had heartaches and was sent to the physician who sent her to a psychologist and she's diagnosed as having depression too, even tho according to everyone around her she is exhibiting more bipolar symptoms - drastic variations btwn excited chatting on the phone and sudden depressed, even suicidal thoughts... -__________-" and my dad was diagnosed as depressed a few years ago too. man... i should but dun wanna go see a psychologist, heh heh~ i'll never go to a psyc prof's office to talk, haha~ so maybe that's why there is such a high rate of depression in taiwan... they just term everybody who's emotionally troubled as depressed... i know i'm only in my second year and what can i possibly know about clinical diagnosis, but something's just fishy... maybe i should find out if taiwan uses DSM... cuz i'm getting really confused...
what's wrong w/ parents these days...
why, why they gotta drive their kids over the edges??? the 3rd grade twins, aside from homework tutoring from me, have: swimming lessons japanese lessons computer lessons piano lessons violin lessons speech and drama lessons they were telling me how they have classes everyday... and a new potential student is going through the same thing too... his moms drives him to west van every day just so he can go to a good private school, and he's in gr4... why all this need for perfection? reminds me of the alanis morrissette song... "perfect" sometimes is never quite enough if you're flawless, then you'll win my love don't forget to win first place don't forget to keep that smile on your face be a good boy try a little harder you've got to measure up and make me prouder how long before you screw it up how many times do i have to tell you to hurry up with everything i do for you the least you can is keep quiet be a good girl you've gotta try a little harder that simply wasn't good enough to make us proud i'll live through you i'll make you what i never was if you're the best, then maybe so am i compared to him compared to her i'm doing this for your own damn good you'll make up for what i blew what's the problem... why are you crying be a good boy push a little farther now that wasn't fast renough to make us happy we'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect and i thought my parents were hard on me academically... -___-" Thursday, November 06, 2003
u know how when ppl say a town is disease-ridden, they mean that there's a lot of diseases in the town...
well how's that so? cuz i've always thought that "ridden" is sort like "got rid of", or "good riddance"... so how is disease-ridden = lots of disease? is "ridden" more being used as "to ride"? like diseases are riding this town... hmm... Wednesday, November 05, 2003
i went to check my psyc 300c mark yesterday, after they remarked the short answer section (cuz a lot of ppl complained) i only got 3 more marks... now i know why ppl who've taken the course hate the TA so much... and i only got 85% on the MC... i know it sounds snobby to use the word "only" here considering it's a 3rd year course, but trust me, the test was THAT easy, i was expecting at the very least 90% on the MC... and it ticked me off even more that i found out that the 4 questions that got me confused were actually material from chapter 4, which was NOT supposed to be on the test and we didn't cover it in class... that's just... UGH. now i wish i had started earlier so i can read ahead, since they're gonna do this...
i really hope they dun decide to scale down the marks at the end of term... that would really suck. i didn't have time to check out the rest of the marks for the class tho cuz i had to rush to psyc lab... i hate being late for psyc lab, u need a key to get into the lab area so if u're late u get locked out for quite a while... and ur knuckles will hurt from knocking and usually no one hears anyways... :p ohh~ two out of 3 of my psyc lab TAs smoke~ i still find that entertaining... i mean, these are ppl who can explain the effects of nicotine, tar, benzene, etc on the brain n organs in a molecular level and everything... heh~ must be stressful to understand all the brain functions that are affecting them or something. haha... i think the experiment we designed for psyc lab is likely to totally fail... we're trying to measure too many things for a 2 hour experiment... they want to count drink latency, time spent in 5cm radius of sacchrine bottle, consumption of sacchrine, which means we'll have to calculate average drip... so many things... -___-" i dun even have confidence that we'll get statistically significant results... i hate statistics... u can observe that something's happening for sure but statistically it might not be "significant"? pish. :p it's okay tho.. i found tons of articles on the topic already, i can write a great report... if i can learn to start earlier, heh heh~ i paid $100.58 for all 4 danthetutor chem 233 final review sessions... which is a waste of money cuz the first two sessions are probably gonna be exactly like the midterm review... maybe i'll sell the tickets later on, maybe not... i'll see... i've given up on attending lectures so i feel like i should do more work to compensate... oooh i got a new tutor student... or, two... gonna be tutoring these twins in grade 3 on MWF now~ yay~ if they need more help it'll be M~F, which is cool... but... i highly doubt third graders get enough work for even 3 hours a week... they were here for first grade, then went back to tw for second grade, then came back here again for 3rd grade... that's so screwed up... i dun get why parents do this to their children... they think that just b/c children adjust quicker they won't be scarred in some way by this drastic moving around? it's so important for kids to have friends... it influences their whole personality... making them move like this is... ai~ i'm just ranting here.. that's not.. good... haha~ i guess i'll go read psyc and then sleep... need to study a lot tmw.. and tutoring... shouldn't have scheduled it for tmw... :p Saturday, November 01, 2003
fridayfive... (it's been a while...)
1. What was your first Halloween costume? witch costume, w/ a plastic witch hat and one of my mom's old shirts that i think she won't be likely to admit owning... it was black and i think it had a tiger on it... or some sort of tiger print... i only have one photo of it, and i don't know where the photo is... >< 2. What was your best costume and why? the last one described. b/c that was the only halloween costume i ever had, i think. i was a witch in gr 8 too, but what i mean by witch is just that i was wearing all black... :p 3. Did you ever play a trick on someone who didn't give you a treat? no... everyone gave me treats. why wouldn't they? 4. Do you have any Halloween traditions? (ie: Family pumpkin carving, special dinner before trick or treating, etc.) family halloween traditions? yeah. we behave abnormally by acting like it's any other day and often completely forgetting it IS halloween. 5. Share your favorite scary story...real or legend! someone pissed melody off so she scratched up that person's face and then gave that person a freakishly close shave and then sewed up that person's right eyelid and mouth w/ thick balck yarn and selectively burned parts of the person's body and removed the fingernails and toenails and mutilated that person's genitals via some sort of juicer/shredder and tatooed mean things on that person's torso and cut out the soft bones in that person's ears and chiselled off the bone on the person's nose and burned the eyebrows off so they'd bever grow back and then threw on a sign that said "i sinned and therefore i shall endure eternal shame" and throw that person somewhere in a busy place in downtown for all to see. oh, i forgot the acid burn...  |