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Thursday, April 21, 2005
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit right before my last final i seem to have developed hypersomnia.. i slept all day today. like... allll day. so after about 14 hours in bed, i figured i can finally begin studying. guess what happened? i fell asleep. arghhh. i shouldn't even be tired! well i have 14 hours left and i have finished about err.. 10%... hee it's a cumulative exam for a 6 credit course and it's worth 40%. yay........ honestly though i'm more afraid of my hand giving in tmw... for this course's exams i usually have to write about 3-5 solid pages for each essay. tmw we have three essays, worth 70 marks (out of 120 marks)... *hand whimpers* Sunday, April 17, 2005
why's everyone stressed? i seem impervious to academic pressure lately (even though i got a devastating response on my english term paper, just devastating, knowing i could've done so much better if i had started a little earlier than 10 hours before it was due, heh) but apparently i'm not so immune to other malicious elements... i stood in the shower for a long time, thinking about what i want, what i don't want, thinking about what can be done, thinking about change. then i remembered something i used to like to say... "it's a package deal." somewhere along the way, i've morphed into a convenient, customized product. i don't know who i hate more. Friday, April 15, 2005
look look look! my fear is confirmed. (the last line...)  You are not sad, you are resentful Why are you sad? [amazing pictures] For darker people brought to you by Quizilla
i feel fully sedated... i calmly and inefficiently studied for my exam for the past 3 nights, calmly woke up today, ate, and went to take it. no no no, you don't understand the full significance of this. i'm talking about my worse subject this year, stats. i had several meltdowns for the midterm a couple months ago. i swear i was hearing voices during the last week of school when i saw roz's blog saying "finals in 2 weeks" (jesus christ u scared the crap out of me for a few minutes there roz, i totally did not realize that). i didn't feel especially prepared or competent for this exam. and it's not that i completely gave up and don't care. i just... don't feel any anxiety... this is freaking me out. why i became conscious of my anxiety-free state is even worse... i went to bed at 10pm and since i'm not used to this, kept on waking up and having shallow dreams. in one dream that felt oddly real, i was in a cab and looking out and saw this extremely odd creature following a giant bulldog, leapt over a small bridge above the road and begin running on the electricity wires. moments later i saw a furry brown and white cat doing the same thing. it felt so realistic, i was thinking "oh no, i'm seeing things again, i want to tell someone but they won't believe me". then i woke up, and it was all just a dream. i also dreamt of very large hard-boiled eggs, and a very horrible family dispute that i've been shutting out for the longest time. i can't tell if i'm angst free or if i'm just fighting it really well... afraid of the next episode, cuz how can there not be one...? the very odd creature was kind of cute. but i "knew" that it was supposed to be dangerous... i'm just reading too much into these dreams cuz i dun wanna study for my english exam. cuz i don't feel anxiety about it at all. ai... Wednesday, April 13, 2005
can't concentrate... why is it i want to break down and cry? (for no apparent good reason.) you don't get it, do you? (you don't even try.) i'm starting to think no one ever will. (or did. not that it matters.)
still thinking about that quote... 1/4 of north americans have a psychological disorder. think about your three best friends. if they are fine, then it's you. am i attempting to increase the likelihood of myself being healthy by gathering more and more dysfunctional friends around me? added one more to the collection today. i think i have confessional written across my forehead when it comes to opening up about psychological difficulties. i should put that on my grad school application... well, the reassuring (or is it?) thing is, i got another confirmation that meds don't work.
the life that all those naive little kids can't wait to be living... in some ways i'm there already. and all i can think is, why would anyone want to be here? here is a nasty, nasty place. take it from me. you do NOT want to live by yourself you do NOT want to pay ur own bills you do NOT want to attempt to balance ur own chequeing account you WILL not clean up after yourself you WILL be beaten down by the loneliness you will even come to miss being told what to do you WILL come to a point where it's hard to make ends meet you WILL NOT like it. Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Roz said: shooting yourself in the brain is actually not so painful cuz I'm sure once you damange the nerves in your brain you won't be able to feel pain anymore, right Mel, the Neuroscientist? heh... Mel says: It depends on what kind of damage u cause, right? If you die from it, it's most likely cuz the bullet exploded in ur brain, turning everything to mush... but i don't think u become brain dead immediately, ur body functions shut down b.c the brain is no longer mediating them, so i imagine that can be painful. Then there's the other scenario - the bullet shots straight through ur brain, damaging only parts of it, and u survive... i've seen pictures of the brain of this guy who was unfortunate enough to have this happen... this'll send everything out of whack, all ur functions... there's an area where scientists are currently thinking is the main area for modulating pain - your brain damage can either shut this center down so u never feel pain again, or it can hyper-activate it, so you're constantly in LOTS and LOTS of pain... eee. Heh, me and my dumbass theories. Somewhere out there a real neuroscientist might be reading this and laughing his head off at the stupidity of my hypotheses. I guess that'd be a pretty painful way to die, laughing to death... did i tell u about the woman who laughed for 3 days straight after a storke that damaged her brain, and then died from all the laughter? Friday, April 08, 2005
i changed my major!! i'm now a Behavioral Neuroscience and English major. well really my major changed on me. doesn't that sound so much cooler than "biopsychology"? after the announcement this morning we were all buzzing about how it sounds so much smarter now. but i couldn't help but notice that it's drifting further and further away from psychology... i mean, it's not even about psychology anymore, it's about neuroscience, ew. i guess it's cooler to have behavioral neuroscience on my diploma, but i don't want to think of myself as a behavioral neuroscience student... another cool thing i found out today: ubc psychology (b.sci) is internationally known to be extra hard, so when you apply to other universities they will add 2-4% to your average because they know that for instance a 78% in ubc "behavioral neuroscience" is really at least an 80% in waterloo. wow.
i changed my major!! i'm now a Behavioral Neuroscience and English major. well really my major changed on me. doesn't that sound so much cooler than "biopsychology"? after the announcement this morning we were all buzzing about how it sounds so much smarter now. but i couldn't help but notice that it's drifting further and further away from psychology... i mean, it's not even about psychology anymore, it's about neuroscience, ew. i guess it's cooler to have behavioral neuroscience on my diploma, but i don't want to think of myself as a behavioral neuroscience student... another cool thing i found out today: ubc psychology (b.sci) is internationally known to be extra hard, so when you apply to other universities they will add 2-4% to your average because they know that for instance a 78% in ubc "behavioral neuroscience" is really at least an 80% in waterloo. wow. Sunday, April 03, 2005
with all the deadlines, i'm oddly stress-free. it's an odd sensation... for the first time since university began, i'm actually thinking: "it's nothing i can't handle." maybe this is just b/c i'm not really thinking... i keep waiting for the panic attack to begin. it's weird, it just feels odd not to have one... well if i keep on thinking i've got nothing to worry about, i'm sure i'll be panicking soon enough. Saturday, April 02, 2005
melancholy at 4am. haven't been here for a while, but really haven't been away for too long. not long enough.  |