okay fine, maybe not suicide,
but definetly self-sabotage.
posted by melody at 5/31/2005 04:41:00 a.m.

advice from genetics prof:
do NOT take 2 courses at the same time, u will do badly in both.

number of courses i'm taking simultaneously: 3.

lalalalalala
let's watch mel commit suicide.
posted by melody at 5/31/2005 04:40:00 a.m.

well, i guess i'm graduating in 2007.
which kinda sucks, but it gives me more time to prepare for grad school admissions. if i graduate in 2006 i have pretty much no chance of getting into grad school... the good thing is, i found out tuition is pretty cheap for graduate degrees in psyc at ubc... MA will cost about $7000, PhD is FREE for the first 4 years. that's good news.

now on to the bad news...
a minimum of 80% in EVERYTHING (including GREs) is required for you to SUBMIT AN APPLICATION. after that, they choose about 15-20 students from about 300 applicants, giving preference to those who are bringing their own funding and/or have been published.

more and more i'm beginning to think i should just give up while i'm behind.
posted by melody at 5/29/2005 06:18:00 p.m.

temporarary, slight relapse into depression today

can't help but berate myself for being incompetent and uncertain


lately i always seem to end up in very artsy english courses. not just that the majority of the students are in arts faculty, but in fine arts as well... in my current course especially, there are quite a few music, performance arts, fine arts, art history majors... at one point they were having this very elaborate discussion about british satire versus american satire, and people kept on bringing up all these tv shows and old movies and whatnot as examples, some well known and some very obscure. and i caught myself thinking, jesus, i feel so ignorant. then i realized, why should i feel ignorant b/c i spend less time watching television than the other people in my class? indeed it really is quite absurd.

i am not one of those people who are disturbed by things, or one of those who questions, or extrapolates, or one of those who are constantly reminded of various other literary references. this shouldn't in any way undermine my confidence or serve as any indication of my incompetence. but it does make me question whether or not i really belong in english. not that i feel any particularly strong bonds to behavioral neuroscience.

today i am plagued by a general sense of worthlessness.
i feel that i can't do anything well enough or succeed at anything.
and it's true, i probably can't. when have i ever?
ughhh. me and my shattered illusions.
i am ordinary afterall, aren't i?

ordinary is such an ugly word.
posted by melody at 5/18/2005 08:04:00 p.m.

immense pressure

i always complained about having had to grow up too fast
but now, at 21, i feel like i haven't grown up at all.
at least not as much as i should have.
and i have been surprisingly mistakenly optimistic as well, even though i always thought i was a pessimist. i still insist, however, that i'm merely overly supressive.

i guess i just thought i'd get to have one more summer, you know?
a carefree summer with little obligations, not much to do... lounge around, do a lot of leisurely reading, watch tv, walk on the beach, drive around...
instead i have three intensified 5 week courses (and a distance ed one), a (volunteer, no pay) research assistant position at the psych lab, and a job, if u could call it that.

all of a sudden now there's this great pressure... i either have to excel at what i do and get into some respectable grad school, preferrably with some kind of scholarship or funding, or start thinking about getting some sort of job... unfortunately i think it's time i considered the latter choice...

i guess i always thought i had more time before i had to do this, before i had to really be on my own. was i deluded? if i was i guess it's because everyone i know very matter-of-factly accepts financial dependency as a given.

ughhhhhh.
now would REAllY be a terrific time to win the lottery!!!
posted by melody at 5/12/2005 07:57:00 p.m.

LOTR trilogy and starwars- shit, i don't even know what u call it when there's 6 movies in the series. last week was psycho states trip week, this is gonna be a psycho movie week (with another states trip?!)

*sigh* summer's over though. by may 30th, free time will become a non-reality.
posted by melody at 5/09/2005 01:55:00 p.m.

i'm very disappointed in myself.

sitting here on the floor with the lights out, staring at the laptop propped on the bare matress on the floor because i haven't bothered to fix my computer for the past month... e-mailing in the paper that i was supposed to submit to my supervising prof a week ago and that he asked for, slightly exasperated, on friday... too reluctant to begin looking for work and deeply remorseful for spending so much when my income is slowly decreasing month by month... about to go down to the car that should've been tuned 4000km ago and should've been washed weeks ago as well... sitting here in the mess that i call my apartment... there are too many things, too many. i can't think about it right now... if i do i'll just feel even more worseless than i already do.
posted by melody at 5/02/2005 09:15:00 a.m.