eternal sunshine of the spotless mind…

i think my heart is breaking
it's never hurt like this before

i can't breathe
posted by melody at 9/30/2005 09:28:00 p.m.

只想聽音樂

找歌的時候 索性把舊電腦的歌全部貫到playlist
大部分都是1999-2000的時候收集的歌
好多好多的回憶
循著回憶跑到CD櫃前翻唱片
結果挖出了一本十年級的agenda
翻出更多更多的回憶
每一頁仔細的填了作業與行程
貼了很多照片 寫了很多歌詞
寫了些有的沒的 胡亂的塗鴉
最深刻的 卻是藏在每行中間的
空白的
沒有寫下來的
但
我還是記得
全部都記得

事隔五年
我還是在聽一樣的歌
還是在做一樣的事
還是在想同一個人
還是一樣的蠢

why can’t i move on?
posted by melody at 9/30/2005 07:06:00 p.m.

lying sideways on the bed with my laptop horizontal,
reading horoscope forcasts just to regain a sense of direction.

2.63GB of songs newly 'stolen' from shao is overwhelming.
now i have an excuse to buy a 4gig nano...? ha~

horoscope forcast for today says:
Money matters and concerns about material resources and future financial well-being are important to you now. You may learn more about how to increase your assets, but you are also inclined to be overly generous, extravagant, or careless with your money and possessions.

aww. no nano.

financial problems. i don't need horoscopes to remind me of those.
posted by melody at 9/29/2005 04:47:00 p.m.

can't sleep.

less than a month ago this would've been normal, but now i am 3 hours past my usual bed time. learning to take care of myself? if so, then why not tonight, when i know very well that i need the rest?

i had trouble climbing up the stairs today.
near the end of 3 flights, it became increasingly difficult to lift my leg and take the next step.
it's terrifying, not knowing if it was the fever or my MG worsening.


i can't remember.
can't recall, or can't remember?
can't tell if i really can't remember, or if it's just too painful to recall at the moment.

i'm stuck in a moment.
posted by melody at 9/28/2005 05:32:00 p.m.

nothing like a nasty flu to make you feel all vulnerable and weak again.

if i could, what would i have done differently?
would it have made any difference?

no... no... nevermore.
posted by melody at 9/27/2005 12:36:00 p.m.

OH MY GOD!!!

my 366 project supervising professor is interested in continuing and expanding my 366 project, with the possibility of PUBLISHING the data!!! PUBLISHING the data!! i am beyond stunned.

after feeling like i haven't been doing crap for so long, things are actually falling into place by themselves.

i... i don't even know what to do right now.
posted by melody at 9/26/2005 06:11:00 a.m.

i dropped a course (contemporary literature) and took on a third student.
it was a hard(ish) decision, even though i knew it was the right one.
the required textbooks came to $210, and i barely have time to read them all.
i also didn't need the course, even if i wanted to graduate this year.
but it really seemed like it would've been a fun and interesting course though.
it's titled the private life of war, and i really like war literature.
*sigh* another life, maybe.

so... what's left?
tutoring on tuesday, thursday, and thursday.
reading and notes for sensory and learning psych.
(haven't even looked into how behind i am or what i'm supposed to read..)
read chapter 3 and do assignment 2 for genetics.
freaking shakespeare essays (so technically i'm still taking 4 courses)
contact psych lab and get to work.
neurologist appointment all the way near end of november.

clubs day clubs day clubs day.
i forgot how much fun it can actually be.
and dammit i want the ipod nano!! haha
posted by melody at 9/20/2005 10:22:00 a.m.

月圓人不團圓.
posted by melody at 9/19/2005 02:00:00 p.m.

ｓｈｉｎｏｂｉ

那夢裡的擁抱 太真實卻又太遙遠
讓人不知該是要欣慰的微笑還是抱頭痛哭
最徹底的偽裝 是冷靜
而這裡 安靜的令人害怕
posted by melody at 9/18/2005 08:15:00 a.m.

random things.

spent 24 hours studying biology and i'm still only on chapter 3. yikes.

seriously though, friday was probably my busiest day since i got back. sort of.
i spent most of thursday afternoon, evening, night and the wee hours of friday studying biology. woke up intending to go to biology but was impeded by a flat tire. studied biology before learning psych (which was kinda biology-oriented). went to the library and studied biology for another three hours. attended biology class. drove to get car insurance, drove back for another two hours of biology tutorial. went to the sub... and guess what i did? studied more biology.
see, i meant it when i said this time i'm going to go through with the damn course.

a funny guy said "thank god for people who smoke" after borrowing a light.

learnt that welcome back bbq signifies loud music and beer/weed smell all around McInne's field.

getting too may bruises and none of them are really healing. i am going to become one giant purple and yellow lump soon. too clumsy. or absent-minded. there's 5 major ones on just my thighs and i think i'm getting another one from this afternoon's blood test.

the doctor said "well that sucks" when i told him i was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis this summer. he also said that out of 250,000 patients treated at the clinic so far there's only this one other old lady who had MG. and she had myasthenia crisis. which is like... really really bad. i really think i must've gotten it wrong - a doctor's clinic sees that many people??

i need to wait 4-6 weeks for an appointment with the neurologist. apparently my TSH levels are abnormal too.

tutored this morning and more tutoring tmw morning. the question of the day is: dare i take on a third student?

crash isn't playing anymore. kinda disappointed, but kinda relieved as well. i still have so much more reading to do for monday.

still haven't bought new shower curtains or gone singing.

i type up things that i urgently need to do and display them on my cellphone. the list always ends up getting so long that there's not enough space to display it all. i keep on trying to get to the point where there is no memo obscuring my desktop picture, but i never quite get there.
posted by melody at 9/18/2005 07:53:00 a.m.

feeling a little overwhelmed.

so behind...
sitting here trying to get through 95 pages of genetics so i can start doing my homework that's due tmw afternoon... trying to map out my weekend and realizing i could spend the entire weekend working and possibly still not finish what i need to do.

i really shouldn't have left all that shakespeare till right now. i still haven't contacted my prof about my final, and i still haven't started on those remaining 3 essays. i also heard from a psych lab member that our lab prof has been wondering where i've been all summer, so i made a giant fib about not having internet connection for the whole summer. >____<

need to...
catch up on readings for sensory psych and learning psych as well as organize the very scattered notes.
finish reading A Chorus of Stones for contemporary lit.
start journal for contemporary lit.
3 shakespeare essays and final.
read ch 1-4 for genetics and do assignments 1-3.
start volunteer work at Suedfeld lab.
see family doctor.
see neurologist.
pay (insurance) bills.

want to:
finish Lost and watch Crash.
read Harry Potter.

ah. just the right time to take up two new tutor students eh?
well i could use the money and the work.
my life is conflicted now because i don't have enough time to study, but i still insist on going out everyday... this clustered apartment is simultaneously too full and too empty. i cannot afford being unoccupied.

one person from contemporary lit's interesting fact was that she's taking 8 courses this semester in an effort to graduate this december. she was walking behind me after class and i overheard her on the phone in a would-be-cheerful but shaky voice, saying: "i hope i can get through it... i dunno, i think i'm about to have a major panic attack..."

mmm. i don't have it so bad, i think i can get through this alright.
i still want to drop genetics but i've dropped it twice already. should get it over with this time.

should stop procrasinating... it's my bed time already...
posted by melody at 9/16/2005 02:41:00 p.m.

if prompted in class to give an interesting or unusual fact about yourself, what would you say?

it being a 4th year english literature class, my unusual fact was that i was a science major and science majors just aren't very interesting people.

then i heard some of the other people's interesting facts and ahh, never before have i felt less interesting. i know it's not a competition or anything, but even though it wasn't one of those classes where it seems like everyone's read everything and understands all the literary references, i came thorough feeling thoroughly inadequete.

aside from the people on exchange from different countries and the people who have done exciting things like white water rafting, skydiving, paragliding above the Swiss Alps, and the people with special talents like professional ballroom dancing and bellydancing, or the people with cool jobs like radio dj or tour guide... here are some really, really cool interesting facts about my classmates...

someone is getting married in Italy soon (she's normal university student age!! crazy!!)
a girl founded an environmentalist group. wait, did i say group? i meant movement.
this guy minoring in creative writing has written a feature length film script that recently got picked up by movie producers.
a blind guy has taken two silver and one bronze in men's swimming in the OLYMPICS.

yeah... that last one just wiped out everything else i heard.

so... i have no special talents, and i have accomplished nothing particularly interesting or important. what HAVE i been doing with my time??
posted by melody at 9/13/2005 01:13:00 p.m.

so rare, a blog tradition that i have seen in both chinese and english... from blogs to xangas to wretch.cc... everyone's doing it!! must participate. :)

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Blog怪癖大串聯的遊戲 (5 curious habits)

參加者請複製以下兩項!(遊戲+規則))
●遊戲名稱：【Blog怪癖大串聯的遊戲】
●遊戲規則：
　１、必須發表一篇文章，寫出自己的５個怪癖！
　２、寫完五個怪癖後，請點名５位的lucky朋友繼續串聯下去！
（注意唷！被點名的人不能重複呀??未滿五人者，就違規囉?！

------------------------------------------------------------

oddity #1
不開心的時候菸抽很兇(例如說坐在那發呆抽完一整包菸) 都沒事
可是開心的時候多抽煙會噁心頭暈.

oddity #2
喜歡任何和變態心理學或神鬼迷信能沾上邊的事情
例如說 很喜歡看鬼片或是zombie movies

oddity #3
沒有一點點心理病的人我不會想跟他作朋友
(這跟#3會不會有點重複啊)

oddity #4
很討厭abc, 雖然我也算是 可是走在路上看到abc時很不削
雖然我不想做台妹 可是很討厭別人說我的氣質或外觀不像台灣人

oddity #5
愛裝堅強

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... 不喜歡指名叫別人做事 願意寫的人自己寫吧
posted by melody at 9/07/2005 09:30:00 a.m.

mmm survey.


(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked a cigar
( ) madeout with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
( ) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
(x) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) seen someone die
( ) had a crush on one of your xanga friends
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar
(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
( ) met someone in person from xanga
( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
( ) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
( ) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
( ) petted a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
( ) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
( ) blown bubbles in the rain
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed penis in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) kissed a mirror
(x) sung in the shower
(x) have a little black dress
( ) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) played chicken
(x) pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someone's hair
( ) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been threatened to be kicked out of your house
( ) been kicked out of your house


aside from items like crashing friend's car or humping a monkey, the rest looks like a fun to-do list... it's like accomplishing a bunch of things that are pointless and don't mean much other than proving that you've been young and iddiotic once.
posted by melody at 9/02/2005 03:46:00 p.m.

看了很多這一年多來寫過的東西
還是有點麻木 但也許有細微的一些什麼讓我開始清醒?
然而又未必.

唯一值得慶幸的是
我似乎不再符合borderline personality disorder的症狀了
我想 單純的憂鬱或焦慮 也來的比BPD好
那種依賴一個人, 強烈恐懼被遺棄的心情 真的太可怕了
posted by melody at 9/01/2005 05:41:00 a.m.

i got an e-mail telling me i need to drop one program specialization. uh-oh.

i need to get back to reality.

i think i once made an analogy to convince someone that u have to attend to your wounds. if u covered it just to make your troubles out of sight, it'd become infected and progressively worse and worse. you need to face it, probe it. to treat it, you need to let it hurt.


love is not a bandage to cover wounds.

i know, i know...
but i'm not ready.
i need more time.
posted by melody at 9/01/2005 04:34:00 a.m.