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Monday, December 29, 2003
stop asking me if i'm having a good time.
i'm having a horrible time, okay? are you satisfied now? huh? Saturday, December 27, 2003
我真的是一個很奇怪的人
說好要交朋友的 怎麼一提起MSN, e-mail, 見面... 我就很想打人? 滿腦子咒罵著: 我跟你很熟嗎?! 自以為是的王巴蛋! 可是仔細想想 到底要到什麼程度才算熟? 我一輩子都不會再跟什麼人熟起來了吧? 女生多數虛偽的要命 暗藏著一堆心機 愛玩遊戲... 男生嗎... 難得碰上聊的來的 最後都一個個友情走樣 我還在期待什麼鬼奇蹟? 認輸比較好吧. 認輸, 然後躲進我的山洞裡 等著時間 走光為止. Wednesday, December 24, 2003
i just realized that i won't be getting grades for psyc 260 and 300c till the end of next term, so the only mark i'm waiting for right now is chemistry... -_____-"
things aren't the way they're supposed to be, but somehow i feel kinda okay... maybe it's b/c i'm feeling to sick to let myself feel any other emotions... it's nice to be back... although it's a total emotional train wreck back here. being sick gives me an excuse to not deal with anything... at least temporarily. i've been talking in code lately, apparently... but this is how it goes on in my head -- why change things? somehow, a "merry christmas" from one person can be enough... it's odd, the things we feel in life... sometimes things get too ironic they seem beyong comphrehension. sometimes they could not be simpler... it's just a feeling.
-_____-"
i caught a cold... had a fever all day today... it's 33 minutes to christmas here in tw... this kinda sucks. Tuesday, December 23, 2003
hope to sort out some stuff this winter break...
such as, what is important to me, what can i do to ensure i obtain or maintain those things... what do i need, both from others and what i need to do myself... change can be good, i just need to overcome my fear of it first... i am the only person who can help me out here, i am going to have to learn to trust myself again. trust my abilities, trust my personality, trust my intuition... trust that "i can"... i used to believe i could accomplish anything i wished to do. if there is a will, there is a way... if u fall, u get up. if u lose, u start over. and this is going to sound really cliche and out of the movies, but... then life happened. it became harder and harder to get up everytime. little hurdles started to look like huge alps. tangible oasises were mistaken as hallucinations. i became what i am now... afriad to fall, because i believe i would, and i fear the pain... so i don't take the first step. i used to love this quote by t.s.eliot... "only those who risk going too far can possibly know how far they can really go." what happened to me? Wednesday, December 17, 2003
*SHOCK*
since i might try to take biol 204 next year instead of biol 201 next term if i dun get on the waiting list, i thought i'd add an psyc course on for next term, as the class i wanted to get into only had 3 spots left... but what happened when i tried to add the course? the server told me that adding the course will exceed the maximum amount of credits for that term! what's wrong with trying to take 20 credits per term? :p i mean come on... it's just psyc psyc psyc engl engl chem lab and possibly biochem... hahaha~ (i REALLY wanna get out of here for the entire summer) hey... whoa... so if all goes well, my timetable in 3rd year will be... psyc psyc psyc engl engl engl? WOW!! SWEET... but damn extra requirements for double major, i'll have to take some other upper level science courses, and since most of these require building up from lower level, i'm probably stuck with biology again. which isn't that bad... just don't make me take cell biology again. or think of anything "conceptually".... it's a freaking cell, it's like 1 microcentermeter large or something! how conceptual do u want me to be?! (i realize should know how large a cell is after an entire term of molecular biol, but i told u i didn't really make an effort). so. it's almost 8am... i can get started on my list of things to do already. but i think i'm gonna shower and go to sleep instead. yeah... i'm weird like that. roz wouldn't be able to wake up for lunch if i dun wake her anyway. haha~
came across this... very nice (and profound)
even tho i know no real spoiled brat would come up with this " 真正的貧窮 " 一位富翁帶他的兒子到一個農莊去體會一個「貧窮」的家庭。他的兒子回家後，父親問他：「你明白了什麼是貧窮了吧？」 兒子點頭說：「我明白了。」 我們只有一隻狗；而他們有四隻狗。 我們的花園有個五十米長的游泳池；而他們有無盡無限的海灘。 我們有進口來的水晶燈；而他們卻擁有無數閃亮的星星。 我們有幾十畝的園地；但他們游牧在一片無際的草原。 我們有工人來服侍我們；但他們更樂意地去幫助人。 我們用錢買食物；他們以耕種得食。 我們用牆來保護自己；他們卻有朋友來保護他們。 「爸∼我明白了，我們實在太窮了！」 富翁傻眼......... 物質、榮譽、權力、金銀、地契都是身外物，兩腳一伸，什麼也帶不走，唯一可以帶走的就是我們的記憶，我們活著時開心每一分鐘和閱歷，生命是看自己如何詮釋的了。
i'm still awake... i'm supposed to wake up in less than 4 hours, to a full day of activities, and wayyy into the night. i'm screwwwed. this is a really messed up pre-flight ritual. anyway, for today --
10:30-11am billing errands 11am meet roz and whoever else is awake for ramen in downtown 12-2pm walk around downtown, do some shopping 2-5pm meeting in ubc (hopefully won't really take 3 hours...) 5-7pm purchasing errands in richmond, banking 7pm-1am-ish - spend time with david 1am-ish - howeverlongittakes - clean and pack 8am - depart for breakfast and airport hmm.
i was checking out movie times and came across the wittiest movie critque ever...
a critic said that mona lisa smile plays like dead poet society but really is "dead poet sorority". hahaha i wish i had time to catch lots of movies... i wanna watch everything but they're more expensive in tw, and gothika's not playing in tw yet. but elf is, and mona lisa smile (not sure i really wanna see it tho), the last samurai, kill bill is still on, and other ones... mm movies. haven't seriously spent time online lately, so i just took 3 hours doing all my online chores... they never seem to finish... damn, i got 31 hours till i board the plane to taiwan, and there's so freaking much to do!!
i don't wanna wait for our lives to be over
i wanna know right now what will it be turned on the radio and it was this song playing. dunno why, this song always got me thinking in a very vague way. finished all my finals.. thought i'd feel better but i just feel.. well... vague... unless i get a REALLY leniet marker who gives effort marks, i've failed chemistry. i usually dun check the material once i walk out of the testing area, but since i was waiting for emily to finish i looked thru my notes, and i saw that so many things i DID study and DID memorize, it's just that in the context of the exam format i didn't realize... *sigh* the one thing i didn't know was that if i failed chemistry 233, i wouldn't be able to take biol 201 next term. even tho i'm still on the waiting list for that course, this means that if i DID fail chem 233, i'm officially one year behind... that's really not good news for someone who's intending on doing a double major, and in biopsyc to boot... i can't take courses in summer, b/c i really want to spend the entire summer with my family, i feel like i need that. but next term i'm gonna have psyc 360, which is pretty intense... esp since what u do in psyc 360 apparently has very very large influence on ur chances of getting into grad school... but really, time to face reality -- i'm infinitely far from getting into grad school right now. my grades, my extracurriculars, my contacts, everything is far from exemplary... it's even far from good. perhaps even less than average. maybe it's time to reconsider my choices then. i want to stay in biopsyc, it's a really really great major, even if i don't get to go to grad school... i like the stuff i'm learning, the experiences i get... since it's one of the smallest majors (head count wise), u get access to so much more stuff... but then what am i going to do with the degree? social worker? go into nursing? or regular office job... *sigh* not quite what i envisioned for myself. but then, big dreams usually don't come true for most ppl. i guess the one thing i learned prematurely is that living is all about compromise... i'm having a hard time trying to be carefree and lighthearted after the end of exams... *sigh* there's so much i should be doing before i leave for tw. it's too late to send my car in for maintenance or get it fixed, washed, and waxed, so that'll have to wait... the rest of things i need to do: - christmas gift shopping (i figure getting a gift on time is more important than the gift itself for christmas) - write christmas cards and leave them with someone - arrangements for bills, property tax issues, paycheque issues - house cleaning + packing - meetings - textbook purchasing so i can read some stuff for english during the break (?) ............................... i wish i could just unwind and relax... i really do... but... this "profound sense of guilt" is just tagging me like a shadow... Sunday, December 14, 2003
it's a new day,
but i'm not ready for it yet... can u freeze time for me? let me sort this out first... i can't deal with life just yet...
if i keep on writing, i might maintain a sense that it's still manageable...
so some positive thinking with this week's fridayfive: 1. Do you enjoy the cold weather and snow for the holidays? i like snow, but not cold weather (it usually feels warmer after it snows, so that makes a little sense) 2. What is your ideal holiday celebration? How, where, with whom would you celebrate to make things perfect? someplace warm, where i can stay and just hug, with david, with my parents... i crave hugs lately. 3. Do you have any holiday traditions? i go home. i usually end up going out to a crowded place with claire on christmas eve, that's what i've been doing for the past couple years i think... 4. Do you do anything to help the needy? specifically during the holidays, no. i knit a scarf for the kids in gr12 as part of the school "knit for kids" program. i was going to take one of the scarves i made this winter and donate it this year too, but i think the drive ended up in early november, and the yarn i used for that particular scarf happened to be cashmere wool... (in other words, it ends up being more expensive than buying a rather expensive scarf) 5. What one gift would you like for yourself? peace of mind, and to have my family with me, always. if u mean material things... at the moment it all seems trivial compared to the two things i listed above, but i did like the coach tote bag i saw yesterday, and of course LV bags... and jeans that fit comfortably and make me look much slimmer than i am, and a cool new phone, and a lightweight laptop, and... hmm. there are a lot of things i would like, but it seems like it's just a list of things i've half-heartedly wanted for the past while... i rarely crave for expensive things that i feel like i HAVE to have... it's like, a ferrari would really be nice, or even a G35 coupe (<- my new love), but i don't have to have anything... does anybody ever really HAVE to have something? (besides food drink and shelter...) digression: there's this particular homeless guy that wanders all around the west side vancouver area that everyone doesn't like... it's true that a lot of ppl just don't like homeless ppl at all, but this particular guy seems to tick everyone off... i guess it's b/c he goes around and around asking everyone for money, and u get the impression that he doesn't even consider finding other ways to support himself, like collecting recyclables(sp?)... there was this one time i came out of mac's and i ignored him when he asked me for change (i see him like 5-10 times a month, am i supposed to give him money EVERY time?), and he started muttering (quite audibly actually) "yeah i should've known chinese girls never give me money." seriously, dude, why should ANYONE give u money... there was some sort of christmas carnival thing going on in kerrisdale today, and he just walked up and down the street drunk and swaying asking people for money... and i had perhaps one of the cruelest thoughts in my life. i thought to myself: "when the hell is he gonna just DIE." i'm surprised i would think that, but... i don't want to take it back. i wonder what kind of homeless person i would be, if it ever happened. at this point in life it seems extremely unlikely that i would become one, but i guess it might have felt that way at some point in most homeless ppl's lives, where it felt like it can't that bad... but say i grow up and one day i get fired, have no savings and can't pay management fee or property tax, and have to move out... oh no wait, i can just rent my place out and live somewhere really cheap and try to get any sort of job... hmm.
我想我知道為什麼我羨慕玫瑰跟妖了
至少他們懂彼此的感覺 知道那種感覺 不會"過一會兒就好" 它是陰魂不散的 追著你 壓得你喘不過氣 讓你想放棄... 就這樣放棄算了 我好久沒想過"放棄"的念頭 不 也許沒有那麼久... 那個成語叫什麼來的? digging my own grave... 可是我真的沒有心情 我真的做不到 昨晚D說 也許我真的該去看醫生 我突然怕起來 原來到了最後 連我自己都不相信心理醫生 那我要怎麼去做心理醫生? 我好想一直睡 一直睡 睡到這種感覺消失為止 可是要睡 是需要龐大的疲倦感 而睡夢中 也是緊緊被壓迫的感覺 好像卡在迷宮中 被迫跟隨著一個定律走 做著不想做的事 也做不好 大家都很在行雲淡風輕的樣子 可是我現在做不到 我裝不到 我已經用盡全身的力氣 不讓自己在別人面前哭出來 可是真的 已經快不行了．．． 如果你自認對我好 麻煩不要點破我的偽裝 我現在僅剩的 就是那無所謂的偽裝 我沒事，真的。 Saturday, December 13, 2003
想要寫字 不想睡覺 失望 情緒低落 想到一切都 受不了
這兩天壓力更大 我沒辦法承受 所以我逃避 我想要保護我的理智 你們不在乎 還是你們沒發現 忙著揭穿我 忙著數落 我沉默 解釋 又有什麼用? 又有誰會懂? 每次我說真心話 都有人說 "根本就不是那樣" "你幹麼那麼執意"... etc 你不想接受我的思考 那你就別再問我為什麼傷心 我一直騙自己 說習慣了 其實 孤獨的感覺 沒有人樂意去習慣 你只能試著去接受 不 接受這個字眼不對 該說 "承受" 這兩天 我執意不讓自己哭 哭了 沒有用 眼睛會痠 一切只會更加難以承受 我堅持什麼 我騙誰 我騙不了淚腺 當他豆大的滑下我的臉頰 我多麼想放棄 我多麼想大叫 想... 以前 覺得只要回到家 就好了 我快回家了 卻沒好過 因為我回到家 必須扮演滿足的腳色 我看過那種坦白的難受 我不希望我身邊的人痛苦 可是要怎樣才能讓自己也不痛苦 難道 答案真的 在藥瓶裡面?
had a couple minutes so i went from xanga to xanga site...
geez, what's with those ppl and photos? there are ppl out there who actually post photos of themselves in nearly every entry. get a freaking online photo album! -______-" Tuesday, December 09, 2003
plan for the next 9 days (this will bore u, a lot):
9th (today): finish studying psyc in 2-3 hours, get some sleep, psyc final @ 8:30am, want 70%+, lunch w/ jen/win/roz @12:30pm, fix car wheel, sleep, tv n biol studies at night. 10th: biol biol biol (review chem?) 11th: BIOL BIOL BIOL 12th: biol final 8:30am, need 38% to pass. sleep, relax a bit, do something fun, study all chem taught in dan the tutor parts 1-3. 13th: dan-the-tutor chem review part 4 in morning, short nap, major chem cramming (review rxns, study stuff like steriochem, carbohydrates, aromaticity, etc) 14th: memorize all chem rxns, practice questions, past exams. get some sleep. 15th: chem final 8:30am. need 50%. 16th: PLAY~~~ 17th: CASS meeting in afternoon, PLAY PLAY PLAY 18th: 12am-? packing and cleaning, breakfast w/ buubuu? 10:30am flight. 19th-4th: PLAY PLAY PLAY highly doubt i'll follow the "studying" parts of my plan... but i really need to... *sigh* damn... 1:30am... my break is over... back to studying psyc~ started the day before the final again, and took time off for lunch and dinner out with david, haha. i'm sure i'm the slackest person in the class... whichs means i'm the slackest person in my major...that's not nice. -___-"
is it just me, or are there more spam mail about psychotrophic drugs lately?
or just that they happen to not get filtered in my bulk folder so i notice them more or b/c my e-mail account contains the word "lonely"... -___-" i don't like switching e-mail accounts, but it gets pretty annoying... got an e-mail stating some facts about how we're lucky... here's what it said: If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week. If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world. If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world. If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch. If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all. You are so blessed in ways you may never even know. it such an inspirational e-mail. but since i've read it long before and gotten inspired already, at the moment it just makes me hate spoiled brats even more. haha~ Monday, December 08, 2003
i repeat: BRATS.
self-absorbed, snobby, spoiled brats. there are things that happen that drive me to my more antisocial phases... it's not just a generalization of my depressed point of view... there are just ppl out there who make life miserable and less worth living and goddamned societal restraints force u to remeain social with them perhaps this is one point in which internet friendship is better-- u choose who u wanna be friends with so there are less nasty surprises and when there are nasty surprises, just terminate contact, no reasons needed. true, u make less friends this way, but so what? quality > quantity
the trouble just keeps on coming...
the little light in my car burned out there's a spot that's rusting on my car i have a near-flat tire and none of the 6 auto-repair places near my house are open i come home and the neighbour's dog barked ferociously at me i forgot to mail the reciept so i won't get a paycheck till january the elevator in my building is broken again so i'll have to haul up all the stuff from my car and climb 4 flights of stairs (and i'll have to open 4 doors, how?) i don't have enough time to study for my finals ARGHHH. i think the solution to all this is to just relax and enjoy my bubble tea and nando's chicken wings... Sunday, December 07, 2003
i want EVERYTHING!! -____-"
since everyone started getting their secret santa gifts already, i figured i should get mine before i leave too, so i'm keeping an eye open for gift ideas these days, and i want EVREYTHING i see! >___< i somehow have a craving for this pink zirconia pendant necklace, which is a "cheaper" (really not at all) copy of the real designer one worn by sarah jessica parker on sex and the city... i saw the copy of it on the internet first and stared at it for 15 minutes, then i saw the actual thing on tv just now.. >___< what the hell, it's nothing i would ever wear!! and now i'm looking at the bay's holiday gift book thingy and i want ALL of the fragrances and cosmetics... but i have too much already... i wanna go and just try perfumes... i wanna try elizabeth arden's revealed! and everything else... ah, the agony!! Saturday, December 06, 2003
tired...
forgot i had dan-the-tutor tmw morning so stayed out too late... i'm starting to spend more time outside than i do at home. which is normal. but i seem to be spending more time at david's than my own place, and i don't get anything done... not so good. *yawn* sleep now, worry later. Friday, December 05, 2003
do people need a reason to hate organic chemistry?
here's one: my creative lies in my ability to unhestitantly fill out all blank spaces w/ my thoughts. but when i look at the blank organic chem test page, i can't think of a single thing to put on it. it makes me question myself, like nothing ever dares. that's why i hate organic chemistry. other than that, the molecule drawings actually look pretty neat. i wouldn't mind it so much if i could make sense of them.
less than 8 hours till my final,
and i haven't gone over the test material even once yet. la~la~la~ i think this inability to feel stress thing is really maladaptive. hopefully it won't come back x10 for biol and chem finals... i really wanna pass those, but now it seems ok that i don't (even if it means spending $4-500 more for retaking) b/c after claire's thing my parents have been placing more emphasis on "don't stress urself out" instead of "try ur best"... normally "try your best" means do what u can, don't worry too much about it. but generally when ppl apply that term to me, they really mean "put everything u've got into it"... and b/c i've proven efficient in the past, they expect my 'best' to be near perfection... maybe i'm just percieving ppl as needing me to be perfect, when really they don't expect anything of the like from me. what is the psyc terminology for that? argh! i can't remember! damn the fill in the blank section... if it weren't for that i could start studying 6 hours later... cuz i know how everything works, esp b/c 2/3 of this test is gonna be based on mood disorders and suicide... i just don't know the terminology... for example, if i'm talking to a depressed person, i'm not gonna go "oh he's displaying cognitive triad"... *sigh* alrighty... back to studying it is then. i keep on forgetting the test is cumulative. Wednesday, December 03, 2003
do i still have a death wish?
i don't think so... of course it'd be nice to just stop studying for molecular biol and organic chem, but that's a life choice that i have control over anyway. having choices... or feeling like u have choices... i think that's very important... yes... i just finished reading the chapter on suicide in my psyc text. =____= Tuesday, December 02, 2003
already have 15 pages for my report...
still need to write an abstract and elaborate on my introduction... then need to polish my discussion section... i'm already sick of writing CUMS model... (chronic unpredictable mild stress model)...
i'm half done my psyc report, yay...
i was supposed to start early this time, but i didn't really... i did my research early... took a last trip to the library yesterday to pick up a couple extra articles... but amazingly, the library wasn't even open yet when i got there. (likely b/c i got up at 7:30am yesterday...) so i actually sat in starbucks and read what articles i had for an hour... then went to the library... then got food and went to david's cuz i left my cell there... but i ended up washing my car and his eclipse... it was good weather, but the water was freezzzzing... at first it felt like a thousand needles stabbing my hand.. then gradually i couldn't feel anything... washing his car too was a bad idea tho, cuz my hand hurt so i wanted to finish quickly, so my car's not completely clean right now, and neither is his... but still, i haven't seen my car so black for a while, and he hasn't seen his car so white for a while... it's like two new cars! i really need to wax my car tho... the water isn't "beading off" anymore!! and the rust spot where i hit it... -___-" need to get that fixed, which means bye-bye paychecks... and it's time for maintenance again, but i don't think i'll do that till after the break. sooo... when am i gonna do all this??? haven't been studying for my finals at all, aside from dan the tutor sessions, which i don't get anymore anyway.. *sigh* hopefully things will all work out... i have JUST enough time to cram for two psycs (to study for a B-), and barely enough time for biol and chem (to study for a pass)... not that compelled to try too hard... my sanity comes before my grades this time.  |