我想要回到過去 再過去 再過去
可是就算歷史任由我改 還是無法避免這樣的結局
除非我改變一切一切一切

我突然發現 我的長假已經開始了
雖然還有一些事情需要處理
可是我有空去面對心裡的一團亂了
所以寫完上一篇之後 我任由眼淚流了兩個小時
雖然哭泣的舉動跟動機都是悲傷的 可是真的好舒暢
posted by melody at 12/31/2005 12:01:00 p.m.

am i hormonal or actually sad?

it's not fair that i tend to blog only when i'm depressed.
this way i'll look back and think that i've had a miserable time.
maybe it was all the depressing things i wrote that caused me to remember gr.11 as such a miserable year. someone who recently reappeared in my life insisted that nonetheless i seemed much happier back then than i am now. is that true? i am without a doubt more jaded and cynical (how can i not be), but was i really happier? or was that just a face i put on?

i tried and succeeded in enjoying myself this holiday season.
christmas dinner turned out to be a great success. true, the food wasn't that great or special, but we had a lot of fun. it might've been because there were presents involved and cranium was so fun, but i also think that it would've been a great night even without those things. it felt like everyone wanted to be there, which i think is pretty important. u'd think it'd be implicit that people who are there are people who want to be there, but i don't think it's always true.

christmas day was terrific too. 24-26 was a long blur really. not much sleep involved. it could've been a sad affair - four "homeless" people trying to bring about some christmas cheer - but it worked.

boxing day was a little bit of a let down. it was amusing how slow time trickles by when you haven't had a wink of sleep. i guess it's just not fun when you're strapped for cash and feel like in terms of material things you have everything that you need already. my only selfish purchase was a jar of body lotion that wasn't on sale but that i needed anyway. the rest were all gifts. i have to stop buying gifts, i think i don't have enough money left in the bank for upcoming bills.

seattle trip was terrific in retrospect. my myasthenia gravis situation has been steadily growing worse so there was a lot of guilt because dewi ended up driving for most of the way. it would've also been more people had come, but i liked it anyway. i loved the routine - shop, starbucks, shop, starbucks. traffic was terrible, my faulty memory got us lost in what seemed to be back country roads, and we ended up in holiday inn instead of the hyatt regency, but good trip, good trip. next time we'll find a way to include karaoke. *wink*

high tea with sensei again. it would've been more fun if i didn't feel like i was going to faint the entire time, or if i didn't have to go to the washroom to vomit stomach acid... whoopdedoo. this is what my life is going to be like huh.

nonetheless. it has been a good break. i had a lot of fun and was happy.
still, it wasn't what i had always imagined christmas in vancouver to be.

the year is coming to an end, and i'm still adjusting to this new life.
given time, maybe that emptiness inside will close up or be filled again.

given time, maybe i'll even get used to being an invalid. my medication doesn't seem to be exerting much effect anymore and the symptoms only seem to be spreading and increasing in severity. increasing the dosage only increases the discomfort from the side effects. there are moments when i actually get scared. it doesn't help that no one is taking it seriously. doesn't anyone understand that just because i can pretend to be strong and laugh it off, it doesn't mean that the situation is actually funny?

i remember at some point in the past month i was thinking about how we'd always joke about who'd attend our funeral when we died. we'd joke that we don't want to be the last to die because no one will be around to show up, etc. now i realize - if i died, there wouldn't be a funeral. even if people actually managed to find out i was dead, there just wouldn't be one.

the painkillers are wearing off.
maybe if i just allowed myself to feel.
stopped pretending that it's okay.
posted by melody at 12/31/2005 09:57:00 a.m.

highs and lows.
bursts of energy and periods of lethargy.

i finished the exams (however poorly they're still done with), sent out serveral e-mails to set up appointments with various advisors and course coordinators, registered for next semester's distance education courses... i felt almost ready to tackle school life again, feel almost as if everything was perking up...

then the next moment i wish i could take the next flight out instead of waiting for exam dates, doctor's appointments... i'm not even looking forward to christmas anymore. since i'm not religious to any degree the holiday doesn't have much meaning for me, so i don't know why i always wanted to have a 'real' christmas. it's just another thing i never had i suppose. there's a lot of stuff i didn't have and never will have. i shouldn't mope.

i'll look forward to chinese new years with family instead.
if you could even still call us that.
posted by melody at 12/22/2005 09:23:00 p.m.

i'm done!
if there is any justice in the world, i just failed the course.
but with a part-mark system, u never know.

now to do something about that ugly F next to my ENGL 348C course...
posted by melody at 12/22/2005 10:03:00 a.m.

突然之間覺得空虛 這個夜晚
posted by melody at 12/21/2005 09:39:00 p.m.

well, i am prepared for tmw's final.
i haven't studied at all, there's still 3.5 chapters that i've never even see in my life, but i'm prepared... b/c i saw this on my transcript today:

ENGL 348C 0% F

i can't do worse than that.
even if i don't take the final i'd still have 11% from the midterm.

school and achievements seem to have lost all meaning for me this year...
posted by melody at 12/21/2005 07:54:00 p.m.

you can now feed grey by clicking on the "more" button!
posted by melody at 12/20/2005 07:53:00 p.m.

ironic / moronic
posted by melody at 12/20/2005 05:00:00 p.m.

it's very hard to lose touch of someone these days.

a long time ago people relied on home phone numbers and addresses, which usually both change when someone moves away, and people generally move eventually.

then you had cell-phone numbers, which for most people i know change more often than home phone numbers, so they weren't a very reliable way of staying in touch either.

then you got e-mail addresses. and icq. and msn. and numerous other instant messaging programs. you have classmates.com too.

is it still possible to lose track of somebody?

it's weird though. it seems so impossible to run out of ways to locate an old friend, yet there are just some people who disappear from your life, people who get phased out and never come back for guest appearances...

human relations are so fragile.
posted by melody at 12/18/2005 02:42:00 p.m.

new, nearly impossible study schedule:

now:
genetics chapter 4

saturday:
genetics chapter 5
genetics chapter 6
genetics - eugenics presenation
psyc chapter 5

sunday:
genetics chapter 14 - 14.1-14.2, 14.3-14.4
psyc chapter 6
psyc chapter 7: taste, smell, touch, pain
psyc class notes

monday:
psyc exam 3:30pm
genetics chapter 15

tuesday:
genetics chapter 19
genetics chapter 20
genetics class notes
genetics assignments #1-9

wednesday:
genetics exam 3:30pm
6:30pm - doze off with a heavy feeling of guilt intermingled with exhilirating relief that it's finally over

dec22nd - jan 3:
finish shakespeare essays, schedule exam

jan 3 - departure:
check in to psyc lab everyday for transcription and reliability scoring.
posted by melody at 12/17/2005 08:20:00 p.m.

3+ hour lunch with labbies and 3+ hour dinner with friends.

0 hours of studying.

oddly, i feel okay.
maybe i'm repressing my anxiety.
or maybe i just don't care...?

i really thought about this.
if i failed, i'd know that i deserved it. i mean, i've deserved to fail a lot of courses. math 101 (you saved me roz), biol 200 (i don't know how), chem 233 (dan the tutor saved me)... maybe it's high time i got what has been coming for ages.

and if i didn't... if i forgo sleep and spent every hour from now till exam time studying my ass off and ended up with a decent grade... how would that make me feel? it might reconfirm my suspicion that it's totally possible to cram an entire semester's work in a few days, to my disadvantage.

and would a long list of excellent marks on my transcript make me truly happy? it used to bring me some satisfaction. well, in highschool i'd have to admit that academic acheivement brought me immense satisfaction, because it was the one thing i knew i was good at. but now marks don't mean very much to me anymore.

i talked with a few people at the labbie christmas lunch today. it was an amsuing gathering... various people who got involved with the lab at various times in various stages of their lives... it reconfirmed what people have been telling me more and more lately - that it's ok to be confused, it's ok to not know where you're going or who you want to be.

i don't know what i'm getting at.
i think i was rushed along too much when i was younger. i was forced to become independent and mature and responsible and all that at a very young age, and then i felt pressured to always be prepared for the future, as if it'd come knocking on my door the very next morning. by the end of grade 10 i was sacrificing my summer for SAT lessons and in highschool all my superiors were telling me how i shouldn't let my potential go to waste. there was so much pressure... my mom talking about med school, my dad urging me to apply to ivy league schools, my highschool counsellor all confused when i told her i wanted to be in arts. i remember at one point i toyed with the idea of applying to UT's engineering program, just cause i could. imagine how screwed up i'd be if i did that... *shivers*.

i've lost my train of thought...
now i'm thinking... maybe it's ok to just be for a while...

blah blah blah.
i think i'm just coming up with an elaborate excuse not to study.
like how in psychoanalysis therapy people spend hours and thousands of dollars analyzing everything, blaming all sorts of things for their maladaptive behavior, just so they have an excuse to not go out and try to be normal and cope like normal people do.
posted by melody at 12/17/2005 05:16:00 p.m.

both me and my laptop are out of memory space.

it's kinda funny...


Edit:
crap. i mean...
my laptop and i are both out of memory space.
you see what i mean?!
posted by melody at 12/16/2005 08:08:00 p.m.

最近在將全部的cd轉成mp3 所以找出很多老歌 聽了很多很久沒聽的cd
在開車回家的時候 這一首歌差點讓我一路殺到沙灘去

最後一次 - 阿妹
你的電話可以不接　我的眷戀不能消滅
他的溫柔可以承擔一切　只因為寂寞　什麼理由都對
感情變成一種累贅　誰都不想再去安慰
你已不是我精神的糧食　只因為寂寞　是每個人的星座
我想這是最後一次　可以驕縱任性放肆
人總是在絕望的邊緣　才能看清楚自己軟弱的樣子
還能夠被傷害幾次 我們剩下多少日子
你在我心裡的位置　是捨不得看完的故事
這樣的前塵往事　我該如何收拾

你在我心理的位置 是捨不得看完的故事
posted by melody at 12/16/2005 03:02:00 p.m.

P- 的 MSN 掛著 "人生是?了一成的快樂付出九成的幸福."

真是不值得.

大家都知道莊家一定贏 可是各各都還是爭著去賭

討厭. 我想做莊.
posted by melody at 12/16/2005 01:35:00 p.m.

好久沒有痛哭了 胸口悶悶的 好像需要好好發洩一下 可是沒有那個閒空
我怕在最不合適的時刻爆發 那怎麼辦呢 要不要拿手指戳眼睛啊 像催吐那樣
posted by melody at 12/16/2005 01:25:00 p.m.

抓起床頭上的藥丸 混著玻璃杯中的液體 吞下

聽起來真像自殺的舉動 其實是為了讀書而吃的藥 ?提神而喝的茶

*耍白痴*


我真的變了很多啊, 今年.
posted by melody at 12/16/2005 08:34:00 a.m.

maybe i am a masochist.

the one thing i'll probably miss about vancouver is the possibility of driving to the beach and staying there for hours at my whim. i haven't been doing that enough recently. i went on a slurpee run tonight and on the way back instead of turning into my street i kept on driving, and ended up at the beach. it was a magnificent view. i'd prefer if it was darker (must go back in about 13 days), but the solitude was just what i needed. i turned up the volume of the music and stayed there for hours. i thought about a lot of stuff while i was there, mostly half formed thoughts. the only thing i can remember is concluding that i must be an emotional masochist, but i cannot remember the arguments that led up to that discussion. i feel better now. nothing's resolved but the fog seems to have lifted a little for a moment there.
posted by melody at 12/13/2005 06:32:00 p.m.

i just remembered... none of us ever responded to roz's tagging to list the 8 requirements of our ideal partner. i tried, but i couldn't think of much. most of my requirements ended up being very artificial things (like appearance or the car he drives), or simply the littlest things that i found intriguing in a particular guy once (like the way he looks when he shoots a 3-pointer). some of them are absolutely non-sensical (like ideally his name would be ryan).

so i'm just gonna say that... my ideal partner would be ryan reynolds, but with a more interesting personality and more into ducatis than harley davidsons.
posted by melody at 12/12/2005 04:03:00 p.m.

i saw a blog title that intrigued me - "watching waiting wasting"
it was on the recently updated list and i didn't manage to click on it in time, so i searched for it on the blogger main page instead. over 600 search results turned up. how many people out there engage in watching waiting and wasting like i do? maybe we all do.

i don't know very many people who i would call brave.
i guess it depends on one's definition of bravery.
i may know one or two people who appear to be brazen,
but inside i think we're still really all afraid.
of what? i don't think we're so much afraid of failture as other things.
of judgement and scrutiny, mostly.
of disappointment.
of embarrassment (which i guess comes with judgement).
of reality.

i don't think it's true that people are afraid of their own potential.
that doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
the problem is still that we place too much emphasis on others.
the more selfish you are, the less you have to be afraid about (?)
posted by melody at 12/12/2005 01:03:00 p.m.

uninspired.

for a little while i felt like declaring that "i'm alright" and actually mean it for once.
but i'm really not. i'm utterly unmotivated, uninspired, and uncapable.

i actually attempted to begin studying today, but my eyes couldn't focus on the page.
not that i was distracted, they just wouldn't focus.
it really is getting worse than ever.

finally recieved the package i was waiting for. it arrived a little too late.
the stark contrast on my wrist was at once familiar and strange.
perhaps it's telling me i'm not the same person i was before anymore.
but if that's true, i don't know who i am.

i feel like i need a jolt. something drastic.
or else i'll float on in limbo forever.
perhaps it's not so bad.
posted by melody at 12/12/2005 12:52:00 p.m.

過期 - 陳珊妮
這裡不夠安全 接近兩年
生命已經過期 每天都死去一點
他們沒有發現 你們沒有感覺
對年輕的長度 我不夠堅決
已經接近兩年 每天都死去一點
今天為明天多死去一點
今天比昨天還懦弱一些
接近兩年
每天都死去一點
每天都死去一年


從第一次聽到這首歌的時候 就覺得自己待在溫哥華只是在慢慢的腐爛
直到不知不覺中 已經超過兩年了 那種無歸屬的心態 一直都沒什麼大改變
可是想要逃卻逃不了 那種無法控制自己生命軌道的感覺 更加的令人窒息
難過的時候常常在腦中撥放范曉萱的消失
雖然常常走音 claire 還是說我唱這一首比任何一首歌都傳神


我想找個地方躲起來 沒有煙味沒有是非
沒有肥皂劇裡的對白 我想找個地方躲起來
沒有Guitar沒有依賴 沒有約會時的等待
離開我熟悉的城市 忘記我自己的名字
說沒有結局的故事 你不想聽我就消失
離開我熟悉的桌子 拔掉我身上的電池
點掉我臉上的黑痔 在地平線上消失
我想找個地方躲起來 沒有電話沒有災害
沒有那麼多的電視台 我想找個地方躲起來
沖了馬桶看著水流 我躲在廁所不想出來
不想出來不想出來...


八年以來斷斷續續的一直唸著想離開這個城市 想要就這麼消失
我也試圖找過 一個喜歡這個城市的理由 除了一個人的自由外
可是也正是這所謂的'自由'在剋我 寂寞無時無刻籠罩著我

也許在某個時刻中 以為緊握的手心中握緊了什麼
攤開時才發現 除了空 其實一直沒有擁有過

今天我的思緒一直很繁亂 其實過去幾個月都是這樣
睡不好 吃不好 工作做不好 書也讀不好 心情不好 病況也不好
我瞭解我完完全全的浪費了我生命中的這幾個月
我也記得我聽過 時間不會因為我的心痛而停止

也許我還是沒有想出個什麼所以然來
我只知道我累了 好累好累好累

所以我終於喊了 time out
想了八年要離開這個城市 現在終於要實現了
一張薄薄的單程機票 宣告著: i give up.
posted by melody at 12/07/2005 03:19:00 p.m.