Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)


I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down.

Music played, and people sang
Just for me, the church bells rang.

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...
posted by melody at 11/29/2005 10:22:00 p.m.

i reached new heights of stupidity today.
but also somewhat achieved new insight and awareness.


can't say that it's been a good one.
i managed to wake up for class after barely an hour of sleep, but as i was really running late i decided to get breakfast instead. then i realized my 10am class was really my last class of the semester, and i immediately began missing it and regretting skipping the last 2 classes. it seems like that's going to be my last "biopsyc" class with all the biopsyc people i know. nearly none of the people i've gotten to know are going to be around next year. the meeting across campus didn't turn out to be particularly productive or necessary. lunch was a disaster as i had no appetite whatsoever. physical exhaustion prevented me from going to my 2pm class (that's another 2 biol classes missed in a row). my last engagement of the day was tutoring at 4pm. having been questioned about my constant cancellation just last week, i decided i had to get up for tutoring... so i did.

then i dropped my entire set of keys down the elevator shaft.
sat in the lobby for 1.5 hours waiting for the maintenance guy, who later billed me $150 for one hour overtime pay (it took him 2 minutes to retrieve my keys...).

i had nothing to do and i couldn't leave the building during those 1.5 hours, so all i had to entertain me was my phone. it didn't take very long to realize that there was no one i could call. that was a tad depressing. i ended up settling some affairs with some students, the tutoring agency, and the bank.

so this is my life.
i keep my own set of spare keys as i have no one to give them to, so i would need to call a locksmith if i ever lost my keys. i have nearly no one to help me when i'm in distress. and my in-case-i-die person on my passport is currently blank.

i'm not falling into depression again, i'm just saying - it's looking pretty bleak.
posted by melody at 11/29/2005 10:50:00 a.m.

stumbled upon an online album i'm not sure i was supposed to see.
the remnants of someone else's withered relationship.
evidence of... of something that was more.
it made me sad.
posted by melody at 11/26/2005 05:20:00 p.m.

tick tock tick tock.

procrasination is bad for me.

i got those forms to apply for a double major in science/arts but never got it signed, so the science advisors dropped my english major for me. no matter, i can probably get it back. if not (yeah right) i'll just apply for a minor.

opened one of those real estate agent letters today, found out that a unit in my apartment complex that's of comparable size as mine is selling for... well, much more than i thought i could sell for. maybe i should embark on some apartment window shopping.

the count down to the end of classes (and the final presentations/papers/exams) has begun. i have fallen into the habit of sleeping at 7am again.

tick tock. decision time came and went, i'm still vacillating with the tide.
for the time being anyway.
posted by melody at 11/23/2005 03:07:00 p.m.

i bet a lot of people have come across this e-mail before when the pass-it-on-to-x-people spam mail thing was all the rage. back when i got this i must've been in my early teens, and as much as each line sounded like monumental truth, i hadn't really learnt any of it through experience yet. it feels different to read it now. for a lot of lines i've gone from "that sounds like it would be true" to "i should've learnt this by now". hopefully someday my reaction to all of them would be "ah, yes, i know that."

well... that would mean i'd have to be seriously jaded though.
anyway here's the content of the mail:


WISDOM

I've learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

I've learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned-
that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned-
that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.

I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartachefor life.

I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you
are to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I've learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.
posted by melody at 11/14/2005 07:24:00 p.m.

worked on my mundane and abysmal resume.
by this age i thought my resume would start looking more grown up.
i can't very well ramble on about "achievements" in highschool anymore, but what have i accomplished in the past 3.5 years? somewhat held on to volunteer positions in a student organization and a research lab and somewhat worked for a disability center and a tutoring agency. tha' about it.

>________________________<
posted by melody at 11/14/2005 07:15:00 p.m.

hurry, before it's too late.
posted by melody at 11/14/2005 05:43:00 p.m.

低等動物.

hungry and tired.

less than 30 hours left to study, supposed to be 2 nights worth of sleep in there too. since genetics midterms test overall understanding and application of concepts and knowledge, cramming isn't going to garuantee a pass. so instead i seem to have given up completely. i should still study once i manage to go to sleep and get up again though. i've given up on the midterm but i would still like to pass the course, so that means i'd have to do well on the 60% final.

did i mention i haven't beguns studying at all yet?
organizing data on my laptop and my cell. all the transferring and deleting got me hungry and tired and rather emotionally drained.

october was a horrible month, but november is even worse in some respects.
i think it's not so much that i've lost my soul but that i've become rather heartless. when you're hurt you tend to focus on your own wounds and neglect the ones that you inflict on others. there are so many moments now when i feel like i barely recognize myself. it makes me wonder if i'm just lost or just completely gone.
posted by melody at 11/13/2005 11:45:00 p.m.

i think i've lost my soul.
posted by melody at 11/13/2005 09:05:00 p.m.

finally saw chicken little!
it wasn't in 3 "f--king" D...
and it wasn't THAT great.
but it was still pretty good...
i've been waiting for it for ages...

next weekend - harry potter!

watching all these children's movies...
what about saw II, or north country...??

and still haven't seen crash.

well that was a completely pointless entry...
posted by melody at 11/13/2005 03:59:00 a.m.

there is a spread about 100 things u didn't know about women or something like that in this month's maxim. go read it! even if u are a girl! and if u are a girl, don't try to deny any of it... ;)
posted by melody at 11/12/2005 11:16:00 a.m.

expensive...

man... my plans are crushed...
posted by melody at 11/11/2005 12:14:00 p.m.

i need to stop posting...
posted by melody at 11/10/2005 05:06:00 a.m.

oooh.
first the lab appointment turned out to be more like 2 minutes than 2 hours, and then tutor student cancelled today's lesson. my whole afternoon just magically freed itself up. this probably means i ought to go attend the 2pm class and get my missing notes from someone, then attend an alternate tutorial section since mine's on friday (remembrance day), but... but but but... *whines*

ARGH, and i was JUST saying how i should work harder.
it's like i know i'm going to fail miserably on monday if i don't do something about it, but i don't want to do anything about it because thinking about it gives me anxiety attacks. i hate biology!!!!!!! well... ok, i don't really.. genetics is as interesting as biology gets actually. but still... regardless of marks i've become quite a keener in psych classes. only in class though, i still don't touch the texts until a couple days before the exam. but how come with biology it takes great effort to just drag my ass to class? maybe it's the schedule... or... i dunno...

my schedule for the next 2 weeks:
thursday 3:30pm meeting for psyc 367 project
thursday 6-7:30pm tutor
weekend - cram for genetics, hopefully
monday 2pm genetics exam (20%)
monday 4pm tutor (oh no i'm going to be so sleep deprieved)
tuesday 3:30pm suedfeld lab, transcribing interviews
weds suedfeld lab, transcribing interviews
weds 4pm tutor
thurs work on sniffy lab
thurs 6pm tutor
thurs suedfeld lab (?)
thurs catch up on genetics
fri 10am sniffy lab due
fri 2pm grad school talk
fri 4pm genetics tutorial
weekend - decision!!!!
posted by melody at 11/10/2005 04:52:00 a.m.

new criterion

whoohoo! the perfectionism and psychopathology lab is finally looking for volunteers. i've been wanting to work there for over a year. i figure it's going to be competitive though, since they even require a cover letter and resume. but so far paul hewitt is my no.1 choice for post-graduate prof (assuming ubc clinical psych is even an option for me), so if this happens it'll be really, really, really great.

the point is -
if i get in, and if the work seems worthwhile, i think i'll stay.
hopefully my path will become clear to me over the next 15 days or so...
of course there are still other things to consider...


and darn. i've been skipping so much biology i didn't realize that we swtiched profs again and the notes are no longer online. NO MORE SKIPPING, DARN IT!

i also got "free" samples of nicorette today. reading the instructions about how to use nicorette just makes me want a cigarette more though, and nicorette's useless if you don't really really want to quit.


i've used the word "really" quite a few times in this entry.
i think it's because the world is chock full of insincerity, so anything you mean in earnest becomes ever so much more significant.
posted by melody at 11/10/2005 04:33:00 a.m.

far from perfect.

talked with someone i haven't spoken to for years today.
everytime i try to catch up with someone, i ask myself what's the point.
but i guess this is different, i ought to make amends.
posted by melody at 11/09/2005 08:02:00 p.m.

i just filled up another packet of pills.

i carry packets of my mestinon pills in most of my bags and i've been having to refill them more frequently for the past couple weeks.
i only need to take them when there are symptoms or if i know my eyes are going to get tired and i want to prevent that. i've been taking them pretty much at least once a day recently, which is more than what i've been consuming in september. not as much as august. i can't really find anything to explain this. if it's emotion-related, i should've been on a higher dosage in october. same if it was stress-related. i guess it's just what the definition is - inexplicable fluctuation of immunity malfunction. as much as it would suck, i think i'm going to ask the neurologist to give me another blood test for Ach receptor antibodies and chest CT scan when i see him.

what would be really helpful for the condition though is if i'd just get my ass in bed when i have nothing better to do and it's 4am in the middle of the night, like right now. i'm horrible at taking care of myself.
posted by melody at 11/09/2005 07:57:00 p.m.

funny incident of the day:

i was sleeping this afternoon when my cell rang.
seeing that it was "winnie cell", i picked up and said in my psychotically cheerful phone voice: "yellow!!"
but instead of winnie, it was a deep guy's voice, and he asked "umm... is this mel?"
that woke me up a little... the guy sounded like peter, esp. since he said "mel", so i was wondering why peter was calling me from winnie's cell. but then it turned out that winnie dropped her phone on campus and the guy was calling to return it. (what a nice thing to do...)
so i took down his number for winnie to call, and at the end he said:
"my name's peter by the way."

is there such a thing as a "peter" voice??
posted by melody at 11/09/2005 07:41:00 p.m.

ok. this is silly. i can never shut up and everyone knows that.
i need a space to rant where people are free to ignore me, skip ahead, stop reading, or ponder every word (yeah ok i know no one does that...)

anyway, i found a new blog twin!
the last one i thought i found turned out to be an engineer.
this time, my blog twin is a graduate student in psychology currently studying suicide and cutting behavior and intends to persue a career doing social work in mental illness. as demonstrated in his posts we share the same opinion for various movies and songs. but then a lot of people like the same movies and songs. there are a lot of other similarities, but it was this passage that really got me:

"Just lazing around, not doing anything. Something is wrong. I feel lethargic all the time, can never get up in the mornings, never have enough rest (despite 8+ hrs of sleep), no mood to do any work, no discipline, overwhelming pessimistic and sad thoughts, a meaningless existence. I live for the moment. I live for that moment where you smile, laugh, momentary breaks from a meaningless existence. At the end of the day...everything is the same. Nothing changes. Life sucks."



...... i'm such a stalker. :p
posted by melody at 11/08/2005 08:27:00 p.m.

i think it's time i wrapped this up.
posted by melody at 11/03/2005 08:46:00 p.m.

preliminary plans and discussions.
nothing's for sure yet, and i don't know what i really, really want.
i guess i ought to make a pro/con list, as silly as it seems.

i will be here for christmas and probably new year's at any rate.
posted by melody at 11/01/2005 04:00:00 p.m.

a good e-mail is one that you read first
it makes you laugh till you fall over
and just when you're not expecting it,
a simple line touches you and makes you cry.

i recieved an unexpectedly good e-mail today.
it was so honest and open. refreshing.
posted by melody at 11/01/2005 02:00:00 p.m.