四個在四個小時內抽掉四包菸的人

感到那毒素竄流至我的肺
延伸到每一個細微的支氣管
順著血液, 染毒了我的心, my whole being.

第二天 颱風即將來至的下午
在不陽光的陽台上連抽了兩支sobranie
才得到小小的彌補.

如果當初沒有離開這海島
也許我現在的世界也不過如此.
然而, 又未必.

everything is just a version of something else.

聽著無路用的人
也許是我長大了;
不再想要活在張震嶽的歌裡

無奈的是,
似乎已經走不出來了.



每天我醒來在床上就在發呆　我的腦袋跟天花板一樣空白
昨天在幹嘛　明天要幹嘛　我的靈魂　似乎不在我的身上
唉呀　未接電話那麼多　我想　狗屁事也非常多
好希望　這是一場夢　可以讓我　輕輕鬆鬆忘掉很多
哇勒幹　怎麼可能會是一場夢呢
我很自由　可是沒有工作　是一種痛苦的自由
我在ㄍㄧㄣ什麼　我在怕什麼　也許　自由　是我逃避的藉口

誰能夠告訴我　我哪裡出了錯

反省　是多麼重要的事情　可是我到最近才慢慢了解
笨蛋　這兩個字我常常罵別人　現在　我只會罵我自己
我了解自己嗎　不知道　都已經幾歲啦　還不知道
這幾年　用盡所有力氣　試著證明我跟別人不一樣
懶覺啦　我的白痴自信和白痴驕傲　害了我
女朋友也跑掉　我還懷疑她媽的　她跟別的男人上床
原來問題出在我這裡　我沒聽她說　她心裡面的話

我真的好想她　但美夢已不再

我很欠罵 我是傻瓜 我好辛苦失去方向 我在懷疑 我在忍耐 我在等待我在幹嘛
我很欠罵 我是傻瓜 我好辛苦失去方向 我在懷疑 我在忍耐 我在等待我在幹嘛
我很欠罵 我是傻瓜 我好辛苦失去方向 我在懷疑 我在忍耐 我在等待我在幹嘛
我很欠罵 我是傻瓜 我好辛苦來 跟我一起唱 (一起唱 x 6)

度日如年哪　支離破碎的生活　我就像是沒靈魂　在街上晃呀晃
像一灘死水　一種絕望的感覺　沒有多餘的眼淚來可憐自己
沒有人陪我　寂寞的街上　霓虹燈閃耀　它似乎在笑我
喔喔喔　啊哈哈　無路用的人 (一起唱　一起唱　一起唱)
啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦
啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦
啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦
啦啦啦啦 啦啦啦啦啦 啦啦 無路用的人
posted by melody at 8/31/2005 03:59:00 p.m.

i watched closer again tonight.
it was painful.
but it did me good.


and so it is
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time

and so it is
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her sky

i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes...

and so it is
just like you said it should be
we'll both forget the breeze
most of the time

and so it is
the colder water
the blower's daughter
the pupil in denial...

i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes off you
i can't take my eyes...

(did i say that i loath you
did i say that i want to leave it all behind?)

i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind off you
i can't take my mind...
my mind... my mind...
till i find somebody new

- damien rice, the blower's daughter

posted by melody at 8/29/2005 03:19:00 a.m.

over the sea and far away
she's waiting like an iceberg
waiting to change,
but she's cold inside
she wants to be like the water

all the muscles tighten in her face
buries her soul in one embrace
they're one and the same
just like water

then the fire fades away
but most of everyday
is full of tired excuses
but it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that
you're on the other side of the world
to me

on comes the panic light
holding on with fingers and feelings alike
but the time has come to move along

then the fire fades away
but most of everyday
is full of tired excuses
but it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that
you're on the other side of the world

can you help me?
can you let me go
and can you still love me
when you can't see me anymore

then the fire fades away
most of everyday
is full of tired excuses
but it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that
you're on the other side of the world
ohh.... the other side of the world
you're on the other side of the world
to me.


-- KT Tunstall, Other Side of the World
posted by melody at 8/26/2005 04:30:00 a.m.

i confess...

我不敢去睡 睡了會做惡夢
我不敢思考 思考了會想死
我不敢哭泣 哭了會過度換氣
我不敢亂想 想了會恐慌
我不敢亂晃 落單了會突然暈眩
我不敢放手 放手了會孤單
我不敢守候 守候了還是孤單

i confess...

我病了, 我的身體 我的腦 我的靈魂 我的心, 都病了

要承認自己病了 已經是難事 更何況是現在這種情況
我一直告訴自己 你不能瘋 你不能瘋 可是還是瘋了
下一步 應該要坦承 可是哪來的勇氣

會想死 難過的時候會無法呼吸 會顫抖 會暈眩 會恐慌
會想傷害自己 這種事要怎麼開口對家人說

這一切 至少有一半是因為他們才發生的
這句話 又要怎麼開口說?


you're killing me.
diseases can hurt my health
but you can do so much worse -
you are breaking my heart
and tearing me apart.
posted by melody at 8/10/2005 04:43:00 a.m.

normal blood acytelcholine receptor antibody: 0.2 nmol/L
actual blood acytelcholine receptor antibody: 12.9 nmol/L

continuning mestinon treatment,
considering glucocorticoid treatment,
considering thymectomy.

side effects of glucocorticoids:
Cushingoid features
Weight gain
Bone: Avascular necrosis; Osteoporosis
Myopathy: Myosin-loss; Type II atrophy
Diabetes
Skin: Acne; Striae
Hypertension
Psychosis & Mood change
Pseudotumor cerebri
Glaucoma
Infection

"advantages" of thymectomy:
Low short-term & minimal long-term morbidity


FUCK.
posted by melody at 8/09/2005 03:01:00 p.m.

do side effects last for more than 36 hours since you last took the medication, or have i contracted yet another disease...?

tmw morning i will know with absolute certainty whether or not i have MG from the blood test and CT scan results.
someone recently told me they know someone who had Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (紅斑性狼瘡) and has the same symptoms as me, and that SLE can be fatal, so naturally i freaked out when i found two new unexplainable red dots on my chest. i went online to read up on the symptoms and it all sounded exactly like what i had... but luckily the red dots are supposed to be around your nose, not your chest. phew. SLE sounds like a very nasty way to die.

i can't figure out if i have that mental disease where you keep on thinking you're sick, or medical student syndrome, or if i'm really just a very ill person...
posted by melody at 8/08/2005 11:25:00 p.m.

heeheehee, funny:

The causes of rampant infidelity, huh? Let me take a swing at this one and say the penis. I don't want to generalize, but 100% of all men would absolutely cheat on their woman with somebody hotter if they were given the chance. Although Sienna Miller is pretty hot, and the nanny Jude Law cheated on her with is an ugly sack of potatoes, so maybe the second cause for rampant infidelity is blindness.
- thesuperficial.com
posted by melody at 8/08/2005 11:23:00 p.m.

i can't sleep.

如果按計畫與推斷
還有三個小時心會碎
還有五天心會死
還有六天去馬來西亞
還有十一天找勇氣重新開始
還有十四天去東京
還有一個月零二天,
從這個地獄 回另一個地獄

活著好苦 我已經不能睡不能吃了 可不可以不要呼吸算了
心不會跳 也就不會痛 腦不會運作 也就不會再想了
我真的真的真的要崩潰了

憂鬱發作了很多次 想死想過很多次
可是這次不一樣 感覺的到 一種... 怎麼說呢?

... permanancy.
posted by melody at 8/07/2005 11:47:00 a.m.

生活很充實
心情很糟
肢體很累
颱風天狂風暴雨
任由風吹雨打
很爽快很舒服
依賴dennis的音樂
缺乏睡眠
想念水的擁抱
藥物副作用日漸嚴重
人生是苦短的吧
算了吧
算了吧
壞習慣
該戒的戒
可留的留著吧
我依賴的毒
必須三選二
posted by melody at 8/06/2005 01:16:00 a.m.

i had a marvelous dream two nights ago, the kind that is so majestic you can barely believe your mind is capable of dreaming up such images. the thing is, at one point i drowned in a translucent blue pond. the next day i decided to go swimming for the first time in 7 years. i thought surely i'd forgotten how, but entering the water was like returning to a home i'd forgotten i had.

now i'm sitting here, parched for the blue that i have lost.
posted by melody at 8/03/2005 04:03:00 p.m.

the internet is a really strange place.
the most interesting and scariest places i think just might be annonymous confession boards. i think i ought to confess that reading them makes me feel better about my own life. despite getting depressed every once in a while i think i've got a pretty positive self-image and an okay outlook on life. sure i might be a tad cynical, but i think deep down i still think there's stuff worth living for.

i just read this:

I weighed myself. 107 fucking pounds. I'm so fat.
I hope I die.

isn't that just ridiculously depressing?
107 pounds sounds like perfection to me.
posted by melody at 8/01/2005 01:08:00 a.m.