4.5% acidic |
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Wednesday, February 23, 2005
either because i cannot or i do not desire to so i will not. i no longer seek death, but most of the time i dun think i would put up a fight if it came for me. there are moments when i wish it would come, and these moments have become more frequent. if your view of the world has become dark enough for you to understand that as time progresses you will be met with more and more disappointments and heartbreaks and failures, how can you still anticipate and look forward to the future? would any success or happy moments ever be able to conquer the burden of the reality that is composed of lies and pain and hurt? the reality is, you will not only eventually fall out of love with those you love right now, you will likely come to hate them as well. the reality is, everything you have ever cared about will perish. you may lose interest in them even before they perish. and really, the only thing everyone cares about is themselves, and they will perish, so there you have it. the only thing you care about in the world will turn and change and grow old and die on you. what's the point of caring anymore... the reality is, natural death can be quite painful. what is the point of a long life... everyone you've known is pretty much dead, your children and grandchildren and great grandchildren (if u even have any) will not be close to you. you will be old and sick and disabled and in constant pain. your meals will consist largely of medications and nutrition supplements. you are no long able to enjoy the things that used to bring you joy. i cannot imagine being complacent with turning old. who the fuck gives about the wisdom that comes with age? the only reason they say that is because you are too old to be able to make any mistakes. who will listen to your wisdom? the ending is not desirable, the process is largely painful. what's the point? the problem is not that there is no light at the end of tunnel. the problem is i cannot see the end of the tunnel. for all i know i may be plummeting down the tunnel and the only light that will greet me at the end is the light from the burning core of the earth where i will be burned alive for being so stupid and imprudent as to insist on travelling the distance of the tunnel.
bills bills bills bills bills. my parents sat me down and opened all the bills and invoices that have accumulated since the last time they were here (april 04 i believe). it's shocking. just how much money have we shelled out in the past 10 months? medicare bill, tuition fees, book fees, property tax, income tax, phone bill, cellular bill, internet bill, electricity bill, various visa/mastercard/amex bills, condonium insurance, car insurance, management fee... the only good thing i've seen in the piles of mail is the property assessment statement. my "property" has increased by quite a bit. not QUITE enough to cover all the aforementioned bills tho. sigh. Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Interesting things from my biopsyc textbook: "Many people believe that exercise is the most effective method of losing weight; however, several studies have shown that exercise contributes little to weight loss." "The key to permanent weight loss is a permanent lifestyle change." damn.
I saw a lot of posters about a foreign education program Langara is offering this summer. There are many options, including a Paris and London art tour, a Florence art tour, and a 2 month program in art history and english in London. Anyone wanna go to London with me?
i got a very thin, old, yellowed copy of Of Mice and Men from a second hand bookstore for 4 dollars. It felt pretty steep for such a small and old paperback, but it was the only copy they had. so i got home and flipped it open and started reading. i have this habit where i start from the back cover of the book, and then read everything from the first page that has words on it. you know what i found on the first page with words on it? "Mike Byrne 12A 822227 PRINCE OF WALES BOOK ROOM" Mike Byrne of 12A, you are a CHEAP, CHEAP person. Monday, February 21, 2005
random interesting utterances: crossing the canada/us border: immigration officer: where are u studying? me: ubc officer: what are u studying? me: psychology. officer: that sounds painful. at cactus club, after our ethnic looking waitress leaves: dad: what country do you think she's from? i can't tell if she's part black or part asian.. me: she's canadian!! on msn, after reading about neural reorganization: me: shao!! you're turning into spiderman! jenny: tell him to hang upside down and start jumping off buildings!! shao: ........... Friday, February 11, 2005
Monday, February 07, 2005
so today is just like any other day to you...
and yet, every day together is a miracle to me, every day is a worthy cause for celebration. that is my worth to you. this is what you're worth to me. i smell a problem. Saturday, February 05, 2005
i just remembered...
i break everything i touch. but apparently they all heal. i don't want to break you tho... i can't stand the thought of u healing.
about a year ago i made a map of the countries i've visited...
i can update that map now!! i added 5 europian countries. too bad it doesn't look very different... create your own visited country map or check our Costa Rica travel guide
stones and sticks may break my bones
but words will not hurt me? Today's English class was somewhat bearable, less intellectual/pretentious crap from people who are trying to sound smart and sophisticated. i'm really starting to think that having brains is a personality flaw. When i signed up i had no idea the course was going to be like this. I just thought, hey, Canadian Literature... more crap about the harshness of the land and how we grew to love it, more Susanna Moodie, ok! I had no idea we were going to be focusing on autobiographies dealing with national confusion... especially with this much emphasis on Japaneses and Chinese- Canadians. In a class that is 90% white and apparently all born and raised in Canada. It is especially detestable that when these racial identity issues come up, all the people who haven't given a fuck about their racial origins and don't even speak the language of their ancestors start citing cultural information as if their genes make them experts in the area. The most annoying part is, they keep on getting everything wrong... So, fucking, pretentious. I absolutely love our professor and the course, but the discussion is driving me nuts. People know nothing. and they don't care to find out, some ppl openly admitted that to me. but of course they only admitted it in small discussion groups. by the time we were to voice our thoughts, the contemptuous disinterest has been neatly rendered into the phrase "we create our own contexts for the cultural innuendos we don't understand." what a load of crap. People can be so unbelievably ignorant and idiotic. also i think writing all those papers with strict MLA/APA format has trained me to ALWAYS give credit when citing the thoughts of others... so i hate it when people voice things they heard before as if it were a unique thought of their own. but they keep on doing that!! God, i hate people. i should become a great psychologist just so i can secretly fuck everyone up and make them kill each other. i'm so angry but i'm feeling much better than before. how does that figure...?
am i a millionaire yet?
proof that i'm healing: i'm starting to buy the lottery sometimes. that's supposed to be an unofficial sign of non-depression, according to one prof. well i cleaned and cleaned and cleaned like mad on wednesday afternoon. by 4pm i still had quite a bit to do but was expecting to be done in time to pick up my parents at the airport at 6:30, when the phone rang. it was my mom. it took a couple seconds to register that she isn't supposed to be on the phone. they did not board the flight. =___________=" i gave up cleaning right then and there, which i probably shouldn't have, i'm still waddling in semi-filth right now... which i don't like... so i should leave the house as often as possible... like... now... Wednesday, February 02, 2005
there's this immense pressure that comes with age.
when you hit your late teens you feel the pressure to become more responsible. unfortunately for me i was forced into responsibilities as soon as a became a teen, so that wasn't that much of a shock. but by your early twenties, you get this new pressure... not only to be responsible, but to be commited. 20 somethings are supposed to have a precise idea of where they're heading, and to be working steadily towards that goal. by your late twenties, society expects you to be fully commited. and these commitments don't end... commited to a career, commited to a bank account/mutual fund, commited to a person, commited to a mortgage, commited to a family, commited to your children, commited to a retirement fund... it always feels like someone is knocking my head when i hear ppl joke "this is the mansion that i work so hard to maintain that i'm never in it except to sleep." i don't want to be like that. but what if i still want the mansion? (well ok i dun want a mansion but i want a garage filled with nice cars..)
it's come to my attention that for some of us, the university experience is just not that rewarding.
you graduate from highschool with an unconditional early admission statement and multiple scholarships, thinking you can do anything you set your mind to. the first round of midterms convinces you that you are slacking off too much. the first round of finals alerts you that this is harder than you think. the second semester in school drives the message home: this is not highschool. this is a whole new game, with tougher standards and tougher competitors. by the end of the summer session (which you had to attend because you were overly ambitious in your choice of major(s) and were a greedy son of a bitch who thought you could handle a few extra credits), you are convinced that you are an utter idiot. second year rolls around and the more people you meet the more inferior you feel. classes get smaller and you become acutely aware of how little you have to contribute to the class discussions as compared to others. more and more unfamiliar terms come up that get tossed back and forth between the professor and your fellow classmates, sending you into a dizzy swirl. you start wondering if you shouldn't be doing something more meaningful during your summer, like getting an internship at a related-firm. by third year you start worrying about your future and begin seriously doubting whether you are on the right track. you look around you and it seems everyone has already accomplished more than you ever thought was necessary. you look up some admissions grades for grad school or check out some resumes of friends who have gotten jobs and feel a chill as the sunlight leaves you and the storm clouds roll over in a dramatic yet very real way. by the end of third year you are completely convinced that you are worthless and a utter failure and consider killing yourself just so you don't have to watch your classmates graduate without you in a year. depressing but true... for me at least. *sigh*  |
