身邊的人 多數都又假又自私
還是因為他們自私又不願承認 所以變的好假?
如果跟人提起這個概念 他們各個都會同意
可是不會承認 甚至是對自己, 他們就正是這樣的人

我就很坦白
我很自私 很無理取鬧 情緒化 又不肯控制自己情緒
你自己做不到或不願意做的事 你他媽的別想我會幫你做

現在開始，拒絕被利用。
除非做到讓我心甘情願。

是，我偏心。

不爽滾開。
posted by melody at 4/30/2004 05:32:00 p.m.

一個人在一段時間內只能承受一定份量的失望與打擊
and i've fucking had enough.

u wanna know the whole fucking truth?
i've been thinking about leaving this shitty world for the entire past month and more.
constantly, insistently, the thought permeates my mind.
i sleep with my knife and every night i dream of blood
and every morning i wish i would not wake up.
i'm fucking tired of pretending to be ok so u can feel relieved
i'm fucking tired of smiling and being merry so ur mood doesn't get affected
i'm fucking tired of pretending that ur useless words make a difference at all.

dun tell me people care,
if they don't fucking say anything or do anything or notice anything
then they might as well not be caring.
how the fuck am i supposed to believe any of this shit?
nobody gives a fucking damn about anything except themselves.

so u know what?
i'm gonna fucking only care about myself too.
fuck the rest of the world and all the fake bastards in it.
posted by melody at 4/28/2004 07:50:00 p.m.

so much pain and rage right now.
but i will be sunshine again tmw.
no reason to make everyone else miserable too.
i will smile, i will pretend that everything's fine.
i will put on a jolly good show.
and everyone will believe me.

we see only what we want to see.
posted by melody at 4/28/2004 07:48:00 p.m.

in response to roz's response to my response on her comment on no. 3 road blocks:
(man this is getting tedious)

u say it's always better to get things out in the open, end problems.
but what if what u have to say only brings more problems?
and instead of ending small problems, it has the potential to end friendships, relationships, business partnerships?

yes, true relationships of any kind should be able to withstand the truth
but wouldn't u agree that if we spoke our minds 100% of the time,
none of us would have ANY relationships left?
or am i just more perverted or opinionated (or just more observient and critical and unforgiving) than most?

a lot of ppl can't handle the truth.
they need everything to be fucking sugar-coated.
it will be staring them in the face and yet they'll avoid looking at it or acknowledging it's there
just so they can feel better about themselves for a second longer.

i'm getting so bitter, i know.

there was a time so long ago when i was a happy optimistic fool.
and then i became one of those who envied the happy optimistic fools.
not i just look at them happy optimisitc fools and think "ignorant FOOLS".

so sick of the world
and all the goddamned fake bastards in it.
posted by melody at 4/27/2004 10:57:00 a.m.

stop claiming to be my friend if you are not!

你也是, 他也是, 他也是.
我根本就沒有朋友!

想要什麼或不想要什麼直說不行嗎?
我不想玩這種白痴猜測的遊戲!
posted by melody at 4/26/2004 03:59:00 p.m.

Ah, yes, the sea is still and deep, All things within its bosom sleep!
A single step, and all is o'er, A plunge, a bubble, and no more.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Christus--The Golden Legend (pt. V)
posted by melody at 4/26/2004 05:05:00 a.m.

開始了，眼淚。
posted by melody at 4/26/2004 05:01:00 a.m.

not waving but drowning

我裝做若無其事的微笑揮手

心中卻湧起了一陣苦澀。

posted by melody at 4/25/2004 02:03:00 p.m.

愛從來沒對過 我陪你往下錯
而堅強的背後 不想被看破
心裡有個洞 快樂悲傷像風
一穿過 留也不留

開始就等結果 但結果是什麼
我愛著你很久 你是否感動
我們很自由 各自過著生活
你能帶我走 也能不管我
因為我要的和別人不同

我想我應該得到 心疼的擁抱
擁抱中我會努力忘掉
總有一些幸福得不到
我想我應該得到 了解的微笑
微笑中愛已經不重要
了解是我唯一能有的美好

我應該得到 - 詞:廖瑩如
posted by melody at 4/25/2004 08:28:00 a.m.

i had wonderful dreams last night, where all my little wishes came true.

but it was only a dream.
when i woke up to reality, none of those things had happened.

some of them i can make happen.
some of them... probably never will.

i just want to stay asleep, just a little bit longer.
posted by melody at 4/25/2004 08:26:00 a.m.

in response to roz's blog on no. 3 rd road-blocks...
well it's not always best to just state ur valid/real reason...
consider me at the road block...

approaching road block from richmond to vancouver direction
"so where are u guys coming from tonight?"
"vancouver."
"..........?"
"oh, uh, richmond."
"and what were you doing in richmond?"
"erm... nothing... we were just driving around..."
"okay... well... have a good night...." *suspicious look*


it's never easy to say what's really on your mind
i mean, sure, it's easy to make sounds n utter words
but the uneasiness that accompanies such remarks
the consequences, the aftermath...
cuz the stuff that you really want to say but hestitate to
usually always involves such a dilemma.

saying it will make you feel better to get it out in the open.
but it may not make the listener feel better.
which may in turn make you feel bad.
so what should you do?
posted by melody at 4/25/2004 08:13:00 a.m.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955) (attributed)
posted by melody at 4/24/2004 08:39:00 a.m.

what is happiness?

happiness was hawaii
happiness was japan
happiness was feifei
happiness was home
happiness was us.

happiness no more.
posted by melody at 4/24/2004 05:57:00 a.m.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
Robin Williams (1951 - )
posted by melody at 4/23/2004 08:28:00 a.m.

if someone makes you happy, you go towards them.

if someone makes you miserable, you leave them.

it's logical common sense. it's a form of self-defense.

it's not wrong in any way.
posted by melody at 4/22/2004 07:21:00 a.m.

煩死了煩死了煩死了煩死了

不想起床 想就這樣躲在棉被了一整天一整個禮拜
如果不是爸在的話 可能會醬死在棉被裡直到發出惡臭吧

其實我不想出門 其實我不想吃東西 其實我不想笑
可是我可以為了你們出門 吃東西 甚至是開朗的笑

朋友 應該是怎樣的 我忘了
有過很多關於朋友的理想 還有對自己的要求
過了很久才發現 朋友只是消磨時間的伴 彼此互相索取自己所需要的東西
也許我長了隔離膜 感覺不到關心了 我也變的不會關心人

你需要什麼
需要我督促你起床吃飯 需要我聽你說話 需要人陪半 需要體溫的安慰
直接跟我說 跟我要 我沒力氣猜

能給的我會給 可是有些東西給不了
例如 我的心 那已被掏出 不是我的了


People drain me, even the closest of friends,
and I find loneliness to be the best state in the union to live in.
Margaret Cho, weblog, 10-30-03
posted by melody at 4/22/2004 07:19:00 a.m.

.......or is it?
posted by melody at 4/20/2004 06:06:00 p.m.

coulda woulda shoulda's...

everything is so deep lately that it's making my biochem seem shallow knowledge.
but i don't even understand this stupid freaking shallow knowledge.
so no hopes of understanding all the coulda woulda shoulda's.
there's always a fork in the road and u always have to choose,
and u never get to know what u would've encountered had u taken the other road.

i dunno if this is of any consolence, but if u're in that kinda forky situation, i can tell u this:
at the end of that other road, lies yet another fork in the road.

u could argue that the scenery might've been better,
but u'll never know how long before the next fork, what u meet on the way, whether it's a dead end, whether u meet ur doom there, whether u find the love of ur life.

u just don't know. that's life.

but u know...
knowing and still having to choose could be worse.
that could be a dilemma situation, those aren't very nice either.

i guess what i'm saying is...

when it comes to to it...

at the end of the line...

at the end of the day...

bottom-line...




we're all screwed.

not what u expected?
i'm sorry, i can't make myself say anything inspirational today
if u prefer i could lie to you. i could tell you that

we've got free will and that's all that matters
we need to believe, be optimistic, we will be rewarded for it

but that wouldn't sound like me. would it?

*sigh*...
coulda woulda shoulda's.
too late now.
posted by melody at 4/20/2004 06:06:00 p.m.

life plays some of her cruelest jokes on people through bad timing.
as for the rest of the pain and atrocities, that's just what people do to people.
-- me
posted by melody at 4/20/2004 03:24:00 p.m.

三年．八個月．七天

結束。好強烈的字眼。

沒有原因，沒有解釋
你不提，我就不問
就算一輩子被誤會

你不想信，辯解也是多餘。


Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be involved with them.
Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.
Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, February 16, 2004
posted by melody at 4/20/2004 05:26:00 a.m.

Love isn't a decision.
It's a feeling.
If we could decide who we loved,
it would be much simplier,
but much less magical.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Chef Aid, 1998
posted by melody at 4/19/2004 03:35:00 a.m.

taken out of context, hitler can be quite the reasonable philosopher.

Those who want to live, let them fight, and those who do not want to fight in this world of eternal struggle do not deserve to live.
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945), His 3rd Public Speech After taking Power.
posted by melody at 4/18/2004 08:27:00 a.m.

i'm grotesquely fascinated by death and suffering.

after a mere 10 minutes of reading my ultra-important biochemistry notes,
i picked up the new book i bought -
a huge volume with many photos documenting the warfare of the past 100 years.
scenes of unglorious gory leap out at me from the pages.
bodies pieces scattered, life extinguished, cities ruined, faces anxious and contorted with fear, hatred, pain.

i'm grotesquely fascinated by death and suffering.

i walk through pages documenting the boxer war, the balkin wars, world war I...
then i slow down and pause at each photograph documenting WWII,
eventually coming to a full stop at a holocaust photograph.
on the bottom of pg 155, a row of Jews lined up facing a wall.
a handful of German soldiers with rifles.
the single bullet in the back of your head, instant death.
you brains splattered against the wall.
and yet the snow falls, and soon everything is bleached to pure white again.

life is so expendable. you live, you die, you are not remembered.
posted by melody at 4/18/2004 08:23:00 a.m.

everyone is counting down to something lately
what should i count down to?

7 hours till dad arrives at airport
8 days till press conference
11 days till end of finals
15 days till drama
24 days till summer school
24 days till i wish to leave for tw
71 days till i theoretically leave for tw

but what sense is there in counting down,
when i can barely find it in me to take the next step, the next breath?

everything enjoyable is impossibly far away.
there is nothing to look forward to.


Millions long for immortality who do not know
what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz, Anger in the Sky
posted by melody at 4/17/2004 03:28:00 a.m.

am i losing you?
posted by melody at 4/16/2004 04:06:00 p.m.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
Salvador Dali
posted by melody at 4/16/2004 02:59:00 p.m.

this is too much
if only i could call time-out and make it all stop
i just wanted to finish this semester in relative peace...

i think i'm going to need the entire summer off
and a very, very good doctor.


The truth that makes men free is for the most part
the truth which men prefer not to hear.
Herbert Agar
posted by melody at 4/15/2004 02:29:00 p.m.

i lost 2 days of my life
and i still haven't figured out
what the hell is going on in my head


Hegel was right when he said that
we learn from history that
man can never learn anything from history.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
posted by melody at 4/14/2004 08:39:00 a.m.

一•邊緣性人格違常(Borderline Personality Disorder )?

心理衝動及情緒，自我形象和個人人際關係不穩定為特色，
多會見到此類病人，病人有重複性自殺的現象，通常人際關係不穩定，
有人我界線的問題（boundaries）很容易和人有關係，也很容易對人失望，
對人常要求過多且容易害怕被人遺棄，很難維持親密的關係，操縱別人且很難信任他人，
病人通常無法控制情緒，沒有病識感，認為自己是個受害者。BPD是一個十分複雜的心理疾患。

二•症狀：

1．情緒變換由極度憂鬱，易怒或是焦慮持續幾小時或至數天
2．不恰當，激烈或無法控制的憤怒
3．在錢，物質濫用，商店偷竊，魯莽駕車，暴食
4．不穩定，激烈的人際關係，以非黑即白的二元觀點看待事物及人，
有時all good的理想化及all bad的貶抑想法中交替著
5． 反覆自殺，威脅及自傷行為
6．持續對自我形象，長期目標，友誼，價值等的不確定
7．慢性厭煩或空虛感
8．瘋狂努力地避免真實及想像的被遺棄

-- 小妖
posted by melody at 4/14/2004 08:31:00 a.m.

you have no idea how i feel, or what i have been going through
you are not the fucking center of my universe
i don't do every fucking thing because of you
don't assume to know how i feel, what i'm thinking
u never understood, u never will.

In a real dark night of the soul
it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day.
F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack-Up" (1945)

posted by melody at 4/12/2004 05:00:00 p.m.

我抓剪刀，把頭髮，剪了。
放心，我想，看不出來的。
沒人注意的東西。

ｂｕｚｚ　ａｌｄｒｉｎ。 是誰?

第二個登上月球的，太空人。
精神患者。

從來沒有人注意的，

２ｎｄ　ｐｌａｃｅ，　ａｔ　ｂｅｓｔ。

我想去海，戲水。 再見。
posted by melody at 4/11/2004 05:03:00 p.m.

"There is one pain I often feel,
which you will never know.
It is caused by the absence of you."
-annoymous
posted by melody at 4/11/2004 03:13:00 p.m.

i feel so disposable. *sigh*

告訴我 我是你的絕對, 我無可取代
-- 我會對你死心踏地麼?

我真的不夠了解自己.

原來很多話我以為說了, 以為大家懂
但是事實並不是這麼一回事
講出來後, 普遍的反應是"你怎麼不早說?"
可是有些事永遠都沒有時機說的...
有更多事 永遠沒有人真的想知道的...


Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
John Russell
posted by melody at 4/11/2004 02:58:00 p.m.

she's come undone.
posted by melody at 4/10/2004 02:19:00 p.m.

what i'm reading right now:
the pianst. like the movie.
so far it seems the scenes they used from the movie were just minor things in the book... the book is actually the organized autobiographical account of the author himself. he comes through to me as sort of a coward... he helped digged the trenches for two days and gave up, for quite a while he was the most passive one in his family to try to find money, all he seemed to do all day in the two years in the ghetto was... well... nothing... tho i guess there's not much to do... he observed ppl starving to death, but all the while he was concerned about distancing himself n protecting himself from germs and infection in case it ruined his "musician fingers"...

is it a crime to not completely sympathize with a holocaust survivor?
hmm... yeah, i think it is. i think i should feel bad that i don't feel bad enough.
that's very odd and paradoxical... i know.

what i'm reading next:
oh there's a whole bunch of stuff.
i'm hoping to read bits and pieces of "cult and ritual abuse" before i have to return it.
but mostly i think i'll be stuck reading textbooks for finals...

i feel like a coke float.
oh... i want a "29th avenue" from err... forgot what the place is called, the diner on dunbar and 29th... it's too sweet tho, need to add some coke to it. last time they forgot the chocolate mint wafer...

oh... i would like to finish reading susanna moodie so i can read margaret atwood's "journals of susanna moodie". a poem collection. me wanting to read a poem collection. insanity.
posted by melody at 4/09/2004 04:02:00 p.m.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
Rita Mae Brown

*statistics for the US is roughly applicable to canada
posted by melody at 4/09/2004 03:34:00 p.m.

聽舊歌 很舊很舊的那種
想著上一次聽這首歌時的心情 發生的事情
我真的很念舊 所以總是無法往前走?
因為厭惡改變 因為害怕改變 所以不想去改變
就算是必須的 就算是為自己/別人好的
我不喜歡 改變... 適應期... 我永遠走不出適應期

--------------

i feel ugly today
took a couple showers, washed my face several times
blow dried my hair to the left. then to the right.
then put on a hair clip. then removed it. then put on a hat.
slipped a shirt on. took it off. found another one. discarded it.
don't know what to do with my arms. my legs. my finders.
examined my bruises, my scars, my healing wounds.
really they're not healing... these bruises don't go away,
i carry them all the time.

有時候會莫名的痛 手痛 胸口痛 頭痛
心會抽痛 有時候是右邊
我的動脈會痛 -- 一年總會有幾次醒來之後看到手腕的動脈附近出了血
今天肚子痛 頭痛 右胸口痛 左肋骨痛 右肩膀痛 還有 左手中指抽痛
我不是開玩笑的 當我走著走著突然停下用守護著什麼 我不是裝模作樣
有點奇怪 是吧 有點可疑 是吧. 不是什麼很大的痛
可是連帶的 心會感到亂 呼吸也會亂
我沒有特意 哪個白痴會希望自己走著走著突然無法呼吸
可是我就是這樣子 這是我的生活

容忍吧 或是走開
不要留下, 而不相信, 而不耐煩...
我從來不要求任何人為我留下
因為我知道 自己也無法諒解自己的不合常理
posted by melody at 4/09/2004 03:30:00 p.m.

driving home on the arthur-laing bridge tonight
entered the arch, didn't want to turn...

a fleeting thought:
"if only there was some half-built bridge like in the movies i could drive off of."

rang a couple numbers, nobody's there...

downward spiral again...

i'm not defying gravity, but i'm defying physics -
indeed i feel like i'm falling
but i don't feel the upward force of the earth pushing me back up...
that's Fn, normal force, right?
where is it?

i feel.... hollow.
so i end up hurting the people who care about me
am i? or are they hurting me?

everyone means well. they usually do.
but... what they think is good for me just isn't what i need.

what do i need?

擁抱。

不要放手 抱的太緊壓碎我也沒關係
我想 比放手讓我飛散好一點...
posted by melody at 4/09/2004 03:03:00 p.m.

*痛*
posted by melody at 4/08/2004 09:49:00 p.m.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things,
but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
Andy Rooney (1919 - )
posted by melody at 4/08/2004 09:49:00 p.m.

and in answer to...
shoot, i forgot whose blog/xanga it was:

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;
it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
Sidney J. Harris
posted by melody at 4/07/2004 04:02:00 p.m.

i am 20 now. i am starting to grow old.
i should stop acting like a kid, or thinking that i am one.
and by that i mean i should acknowlege my limited energy
and make appropriate lifestyle adjustments...

from last night till this early morning i've been trying to wake up every 10 minutes... i would switch my alarm off every 10 minutes... and for a while answer or ignore a phone call every 30 minutes... in my dreams the phone calls were continuous bells that wouldn't stop ringing...

i finally got up at 6, worked on my report and studied for my test all the way till it was time to go to class at 4:30pm, attended class, went to downtown for ramen, went to pick up krispy kreme, went home for 15 minutes, went out to sing k, went to try to study (more!!) at tim horton's, went to david's house...

it's one of those days where i hit the 4 corners... ubc, downtown, richmond, westside... (at least i didn't go to delta...)

had such a headache all day...
i just don't have the kind of energy i used to have anymore... =____=

i need to go sleep... x_____X"
posted by melody at 4/07/2004 03:45:00 p.m.

You are the Slacker. You don't work nearly
enough to be in IB, but it's all good, cuz you
don't really care about your grades anyway.
You're not sure why you're in IB. Maybe your
parents forced you to, or maybe you just didn't
want to be stuck in core classes.


What Kind of IB (International Baccalaureate) Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

actually i wasn't an IB student.
i don't think it was offered at PG. :p
posted by melody at 4/07/2004 11:28:00 a.m.

Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
posted by melody at 4/06/2004 03:53:00 p.m.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer (1788 - 1860)
posted by melody at 4/05/2004 03:51:00 p.m.

i don't understand...
i hate mixed signals!
just come out and say what you want to say, godamnit!
posted by melody at 4/05/2004 10:02:00 a.m.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Mary Wilson Little
posted by melody at 4/05/2004 02:45:00 a.m.

For three days after death
hair and fingernails continue to grow
but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson (1925 - )
posted by melody at 4/04/2004 03:43:00 a.m.

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
Bernard Bailey
posted by melody at 4/03/2004 03:43:00 a.m.

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
George Saunders, last words
posted by melody at 4/02/2004 03:42:00 a.m.