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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
feeling more antisocial than ever...
every head i see, i want to mutilate... *sigh* i don't know if it's really just my problem, or is the human race really going down the drain... nobody gives a shit about the other person anymore, but they still expect the other person to consider "what it's like to be them". i don't have time for that, alright? i'm having a hard enough time being myself as it is. i am so sick of (from?) sleeping less than 5 hours EVERY day. i am so sick of going to doctor's appointments. some moments are better than others, but mostly, by the end of the day, it all seems so futile... 生命呆滯 - 沒有進, 沒有退... 到底是在幹嘛? 我不是那種覺得事事都要有原因目的的人 可是我到底在幹嘛...? 我知道我不是為自己而活著... 這樣 真的好累... 我已經累了 好久好久 好久沒有崩潰 情緒緊繃到快要爆炸 不要再要求我堅強了, 好不好? 我真的不行了... Wednesday, January 21, 2004
i finally got a couple minutes to come online and do something other than check interchange e-mail, webct, or print notes...
so i thought i'd go read some blogs and catch up on people's lives, but it's so depressing i can't make myself blog more about my own depressing life... -____-" it's not that depressing really, when i think about all the books i've recently accumulated... what's depressing is that i have no time and no mood to read them... but thinking about them makes it seems better, cuz i have something to look forward to, however small it is... i'm planning to read lord of the flies again, and i got "roughing it in the bush" and s short story collection by alice munro, i'm currently reading a short story collection by rohinton mistry, and i still have lolita, armadillo, beautiful dreamer, world's assasins, broken ground, fugitive pieces, and... well u get the idea. have to get through canterbury tales, twelfth night, king lear, and paradise lost first tho... engl 220 is ALMOST worse than engl 112... engl 222, canadian literature, on the other hand, is extremely interesting... we're reading short stories and poems first, and all of them are so interesting i end up going out and buying the entire book. (cuz it's in an anthology. so reading rohinton mistry's "swimming lessons" made me go buy the entire book, reading excerpts from susanna moodie made me go buy roughing it in the bush, reading margaret atwood... well i'm planning to read ALL her books sooner or later...) i planned out my tentative schedule from now till graduation, but today i realized i'm missing a few upper level science electives, so i need to add those on... but so far i'm looking at 5-6 courses per term plus two full 12 credit summers... -____-" and i don't have time for ANY electives in psychology, even though i REALLY want to take clinical psyc and health psyc... ai~ really don't want to stay in university for 5 yaers tho. and more importantly, tuition is REALLY costly... but so far, NONE of my upper level psyc courses resemble the kind of psychology i want to be studying... they're all "biopsyc", "methods in scientific/biopsyc research", etc. >____< i was chatting w/ my new psyc lab partners today, and i felt like i've REALLY been wasting my summers... no wonder school/job interviewers always ask you what u've been doing the past summer, cuz some ppl do a lot of stuff... one group member worked in a biopsyc lab all summer, one joined the planting trees program (u get paid quite a lot) and went travelling, one went to teach english in korea... as for me? i stayed here, took 12 credits of courses, and sulked all summer. *sigh* i dropped chem 235 for now, if i take it i'll never be able to pull my average up... there's only 80 spots in the summer accelerated course, and the prof said it fills up in about half an hour... x___X" but if i think about it, i'm usually done registering in 30 minutes, and summer registration opens at the same time for everyone, so hopefully i'll get in. that ruins my plans for a 4-month summer, but a 4-month summer will ruin my plans of a 4-year degree, so... there's always some sort of trade-off... wow. so much for being too depressed to update, huh. well it's a boring, depressing rant of an update... i'm gonna go finish up some biochem... then i get to do my reading for engl 222!! (i am genuinely enthusiastic about this, which is so cool cuz i don't feel this way about homework often, if at all.) Saturday, January 17, 2004
i think i have to stop pretending that my life is going okay.
i've really been having a miserable time. i'm annoyingly sick, the medication i need to take makes me sicker, my relatives are screwed up and i have to help make things right, my dog died, and someone hit my car... except they wouldn't pay for it so i had to call the cops and finally exchanged insurance info except the bitch bitched at me for the entire time yelling all kinds of insinuations and obscenities... oh the thoughts that were running in my head... at least my classes are interesting. a lot more than i can handle, but they're interesting. i am really sick of my premonitions coming true. why can't i predict something good for once? everything's becoming so tiring... at any time if there is more than 2 people around me, i suffocate... i start seeing them without heads, without ears, with their hair on fire, with their skin melting, with their tongues swelling, with slimey toads gagging their throats, with horrible boils covering their faces... but they don't notice, and they keep on laughing, and their mouths turn wider and wider until it inverts and swallows them up. have you ever heard about the woman who died laughing? she suffered brain damage and couldn't stop laughing, until she literally laughed to death. i hope you have so much joy in your life it kills you. Friday, January 16, 2004
Monday, January 12, 2004
and he doesn't see it, and she doesn't see it
and when i open my mouth to speak, i know they don't want to hear it so i close my mouth again, and i hold my tears in, until the next time i am alone it's always just around the corner for i always feel alone here and none of it really matters it does not matter how cheerful i seem it does not matter how i cry myself to sleep hush now i won't speak of it if it will put you at ease. Wednesday, January 07, 2004
i thought it might be time to update, so here's a late friday five:
What one thing are you most looking forward to . . . 1. ...today? to get off class at 5pm. and a little bit looking forward to hearing my engl 222 prof's intrepretation of the short story we were assigned to read. 2. ...over the next week? the weekend, when i have no class. and for all the snow to melt away so i can drive again. 3. ...this year? summer, when i get to leave this place and go back to tw again. 4. ...over the next five years? getting into the clinical psyc masters program. but we all know the chances of that happening for me... so i suppose i'll just broadly state that i look forward to a satisfactory post-undergraduate occupation. 5. ...for the rest of your life? eventual peace of mind. i mean i'll have to get it when i'm dead, right?  |