4.5% acidic |
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Thursday, October 30, 2003
just saw a cool quote "same shit, different day."
about to lose my mind... i kept on thinking about the essay all last night, and i wasted my entire morning trying to get myself to start, lost so many hours of precious time when i could've been studying for my own stuff or doing my own things.. and then when i'm at 500 words, i get a call and find out it's not due till tmw... GRRR... but i also found out that i got an A for the last essay (the one i didn't proof read. but then again i never proof read), muwahaha.
it's funny how it feels normal to be friendly with someone who u might instinctively dislike in real life... are we all not giving everyone equal chances? or is it just the words, that create a delusion?
which is more real, words or appearance? (no u can't pick action)
yesterday... yesterday i didn't end up going to chem, but i didnt end up sleeping either... i sorta just wasted my day away again, except i did two big loads of laundry... does that count? :p
i went to get dinner at asa sushi last night and i saw a van crash into a car at 33rd and arbutus... it was pretty bad, the side of the car was smashed in and the rear tire exploded and some parts fell off... so the car was kinda left stranded in the middle of the road... then when i was on my way back, i saw another van stall in the middle of the road (it's a different van). and his car was going UPHILL, and two guys were pushing it with a long lin eof cars waiting behind them, but i don't get what they were doing cuz they pushed the car so it's horizontally blocking the road, and they seemed like they wanted to push it into the other lane so it goes downhill... uhh.. isn't that really dangerous... so i didn't stay to find out what happened... :p i actually slept at 10ish last night and got up at 7am this morning. and i don't have class or ANYTHING. weird, but kinda cool... maybe i should head out to grab a nutritious breakfast and then go study in the library, haha. but i can't actually, i need to finish an essay soon. like.... within 4 hours... and i haven't read the thing that i'm supposed to critically summarize yet, but i know it's 20 pages long and i'm unfamiliar with the citation style i'm supposed to use... i've never had to deal w/ a history paper before... someone teach me how to do footnotes, quick! ........ ok.. it's 8am.. i guess i'm gonna have to teach myself... Wednesday, October 29, 2003
feel detatched...
but amazingly, i'm ok with it... maybe all i need are a couple ppl to be there... just a couple. happy thought: if i can squeeze in 20-23 credits next term, then i can go back to tw for 4 months this summer. (instead of potentially earning $2400, but who cares, family before $.) i'm not quite sure if that qualifies as a happy thought tho... 20 credits, with two of those credits being weekly 3 hour labs and another extra tutorial that i don't get credits for? hmm... so it'll be... biol 200 biol 200 tutorial chem 235 psyc 260 psyc 260 lab psyc 300c engl 220 engl 223 psyc 304? psyc 305? uhh...
i've been neglecting my blog...
not as much as some ppl... wait a second... *checks last entry date* i HAVEN'T been ignoring my blog... weird, it feels like i have... probably b/c i'm also entering some thoughts elsewhere cuz i'm realy putting an effort into relearning mandarin so i need to think and type in chinese, and damned blogger doesn't support chinese i wonder if a specific layout of blogger will support it or if i changed the font? hmm... can it be possible that all the blogger users out there, like what, millions of them, and none of them use chinese? hmmm. i went to bed at 7:30pm (weird eh) and was planning to be up by 1am to study for my biopsyc midterm, but i slept on and ended up with only 4 hours to study... don't think i did too well, since i didn't have time to finish reading the text or clearly memorize everything. *sigh* i basically slept 9 hours, except i pressed snooze dozens of times, so i still feel awfully sleepy right now... but i can't find any excuse to not go back for chem in an hour since there's no psyc lab today... ARGH... i really dun wanna go, it's so useless and i'm tired and i still gotta write an essay tonight... but then we're starting on a new topic and i looked in the notes and there's a question about "why is blah more acidic than blah" that needs to be answered, so i need to go find that out.. i could always ask someone next class to see their notes, but everybody writes different stuff down, and also the last time i asked a girl to see her notes she acted really funny... she kinda gave a little "uhh", then ducked her head and quickly wrote some stuff on her notes w/o replying me, and then slowly pushed her binder towards me... (no, she's not mute). i dun wanna deal with that awkwardness... -___-" and everyone i know in comisarow's class has given up attending... so, hey, wow... for the first time ever i'm attending more class than the average student, that's cool... heh heh oh forget it. i'm not gonna go. or am i? ARGHHHH Tuesday, October 28, 2003
i can't think straight
still haven't gotten enough sleep and i only have 3 hours to study for my biol quiz (there's aout 8 hours of material to go over), but i can't settle down and start studying... i can't think straight i need u to think straight for me but i don't think i'm helping... evanescense isn't helping either but i can't shut it off... >< ******************************************** yesterday... got up at 11am, spent nearly 4 hours preparing to go out... b/c i dun want buubuu to think that i always look sloppy when i hang out w/ him... i haven't put on make up for sooo long... had to trim my eyebrows too... what have i been looking like for the past couple weeks? but i'm not the kind of person that can stand styling hair and applying make-up everyday... so... one day of perfection is just gonna make the normal me seem worse... luckily that's not what buubuu cares about... :) we went to eat in richmond then walked around in the comic store... he was so happy when he found the comic he liked, so, so happy... and it made me really happy b/c i don't remember being that intensely happy for quite a while now... even tho i feel silly happy everytime i see buubuu... but it turned out that it was the one he already had, just a new cover. :p went to his house to study afterwards, or i tried to.... all i did was read 4 pages from the prerequisite course... damn. buubuu felt sick so i left and just slept after i got home.. woke up promptly 7.5 hours later... now i realized that i go to sleep at variable times but i always sleep exactly 7.5 hours lately... weird... i can't keep on doing this... i need to concentrate, i need to pass this course... i'm currently failing... *sigh* i'm also failing to see the big picture but i don't think i ever was able to do that. to me, sadness is not really about being unable to achieve something it's about not being able to get something back that u once had... so we all live in a world of regret, a world of remorse, a world of pain... b/c no one can bring back or change the past and so many things in ur life no matter what u do or say u just can't make it right again, and it's hard to deal with that, it's hard to accept it, it even causes pain to acknowledge it... i don't know what i'm saying... perhaps i'm tired so getting sentimental. :p let's talk about something more superficial... my hair looks ok now, after i styled it... it's not 'good hair', but i think it's actually looking good on me, it works w/ my face... i think i actually look better w/ bangs of some sort, makes me look younger. i know what i really need to look younger tho - get that worried look off my face and i'll look 19 again, perhaps even 17. but no matter what i do... i always still feel 13... *sigh* "don't try to fix me i'm not broken" -evanescene Monday, October 27, 2003
what composes your life?
45% interpersonal interactions 45% events and situations 10% se;f-contained thoughts? mine is more like 20% interpersonal interactions 40% events and situations 40% self-contained thoughts well.. i guess u'd have to consider what u list as interpersonal interactions and what counts as events and situations.. say if u got into a car accident, were u interacting w/ the car driver, or was it just an event? hmm.... *falls into deep thought* yesterday was a tiring day.... dreadfully tiriing, especially considering i didn't get anything constructive done, heh. i was up for 24 hours... and daylight savings time didn't save me. :p i finally got to go to sleep and sleep through the entire night, but i don't feel rested at all... why... >< little voice in my head: "it's called slept debt." sometimes it's not fun studying biological psychology... u get to answer too many "why" questions and the mystery of life unravels, whether it's about bodily sensations or mental phenomena... and u don't get to just wonder anymore b/c before u know it ur brain is setting on a path to solve the problem through reasoning and educated guesses... i went out around 11pm yesterday to richmond and went to a few more stores for sponsoring but no luck... then i went to get a haircut.. it was one of the worst haircuts i've ever had... (and trust me i've had my share). *sigh*. so, it's winter, time to move out the hats! haha... now that i've gotten home and washed off the styling it's looking ok, but the bangs are flying everywhere... and it's so not what i told him i wanted... i even drew a perfect picture.. and kept on telling him what i wanted... GRRR. i should've just cut my hair myself... now my hair feels so icky cuz of the way he cut it. >____< i guess i won't grow my hair long anymore then, it's pretty much ruined (with the layering feather cuts...) after that buubuu came and we walked around continental and then got a bubble drink, then i went to find roz's b-day present... i was gonna get her the david tao cd from parker, but then i thought it'd be kinda mean cuz then the other ppl would have to find a gift, so i went to richmond center instead and i met up with shao and ann there... which was... yay.... great.... shopping with the couple... we spent 3 hours there and all we got was a pack of paul frank's 7 days of the week undies for jenny... cuz we decided on roz's present but when we were gonna go get it the mall closed... ai. then i think the couple went to eat something, so i was stuck by myself in richmond with 1.5 hours on my hand and no where to go... and i exited from the wrong side of the mall by mistake so i had to walk alllll around it to get to my car... so i thought, screw this, i'm just gonna go get the david tao cd... (so ie i wasted 3 hours of my time and didn't enjoy it) and so i went... but i had a hard time thinking up cd stores that sold 'real' cds... got stuck in traffic... then i got to MAL and they were sold out, so i rushed to parker cuz they were closing soon, and cirlced around and around and around the mall looking for the cd store cuz it wasn't where i remembered it to be.. -___-" i finally did find it tho and got the cd... it's sooo nice, i want!! hopefully i can get mom to bring it for me when she comes... but i dunno when she's coming, or if she's coming this year at all... well... if she doesn't and i dun go back then we would've saved $3000 btwn the two of us and then i definetly deserve to get a cd... ohh. this is not related to my 'adventures' yesterday, but one day when i was driving home i came up with the concept of how nice it would be if i could have a bookstore, and maybe have a little coffee shop attached to it, like molly's 2nd hand book store in taipei... except i would only sell the books that i liked and enjoyed or knew was really good, and that would include whatever language that i can read... so the store would naturally have to be in taipei... i know that i'm gonna have a le petite prince section, and i'm gonna have english versions, french versions, chinese versions, and a good jap version if i can find one... i also would include all of margaret atwoods books, except the one where she talks about writing and being a writer n stuff. i don't know if i should include the harry potter books, cuz they're good and i enjoyed them but it's so mainstream... and at this rate she'll still be publishing the 7th one by the time i have my store and i have to go through the ordeal of tons n tons of ppl coming in to inquire about the book. :p i would also include a full spectrum of psychology books. no stupid self-help stuff for me, i mean like intro psych and abnormal psych text books... i would also have bibliographies of selected ppl... i would have a lot of books... :) ok.. back to what i was saying about yesterday.. we had hot pot for dinner in richmond, it was good... ppl were saying how it's amazing we got 11 ppl to come to dinner n hang out but i didn't really feel anything or even realize it... haha... a person can only have 7 things in their mind (short term memory) give or take 2 at any moment, so i can only be concious of myself and 6 other ppl... haha we went to amato gelato and sat there for a while and chatted, then we went to blockbuster and walked aorund for quite a while, then we ended up in casa dolce and chatted more... they kept on talking about the old lady who got killed by a truck in kerrisdale and how traumatizing it was.... somehow i didn't find it traumatizing or disturbing... i wouldn't go as far as to add "at all", but i feel likehearing the story didn't arousal an emotional response but rather it caused a polite, social response... like, it so sad, and it's so horrible, that's what everyone feels so i gotta make my face into a grimace and say oh how inhumane... but i didn't really feel anything like that... i dunno if this should bother me... :p it's just that... she was old anyway, and trucks run over ppl all the time, and even tho the truck backed up and hit her again, it doesn't mean anything to me b/c trucks who hit ppl on lonely streets in tw are constantly reputed to pull into reverse and make sure the victim dies... there's a lot of cruelty in the world and i guess i've just accepted it as is... the loss of one old woman's life in kerrisdale by a truck, does that even compare to the loss of one starving child's life in africa, who was never given a chance to live out his life, to experience things? not that i'm saying it isn't sad about the old woman.. i dunno... i dun feel anything. >< reminds me of the mental stimuli experiment again, when i didn't feel anything when the guy in the video was bleeding massively and they tore open his chest and were pumping his heart and then he died. :p we finally all went home at.. uh.... i think it was 12 something, or was it 1 something, i'm not sure... i showered and pretty much just fell asleep cuz i was so worn out... and... now's now... and i've got a lot of work to do... but at least i only changed my clocks after i woke up, so it REALLY feels like i gained an extra hour. :) Saturday, October 25, 2003
can't really say i've had a good 24-hour...
i've given up going by the regular "monday" "tuesday" thing... i'm gonna go by 24-hour periods now... let's start from the beginning. i woke up at 5am (this was yesterday), didn't get enough sleep at up, but i totally screwed up my biological clock... started on my psyc paper about 7am, finished around 2pm... it ended up being 15 pages. that includes title page n graphs tho... went to hand it in at 3 something, saw a lot of my classmates there, most of them just finished too... saw the ta smoking outside, and i finally realized how much he has to read and mark... and they're gonna be very specific about the APA style, so he's gonna have a real tough time marking too... went to the sports department meeting. i think that's the only serious department in the club... their meetings are totally organized and stuff... and then we had the GM and nearly half the ppl there were from sports, haha... pretty useless GM, have a hard time believing i stayed awake for that... then everyone had plans, so i ended up going home alone... i was thinking before that i was just too busy to go out, and when i'm not busy i was too tired... but now i realized that it wasn't those reasons at all - i just have no where to go, or anyone to go with me. it's a pretty grim realization, but it really was the truth tonight... so i drove home, and got stuck at various places from traffic and road closures... everyone getting off work on friday evening and going out to have a good time... and i passed the park and stopped to let tons of ppl and their dogs cross... then i got home, checked my mailbox, and all i got were two phone bills... the irony, the irony is killing me. after a while i went to sleep tho, and tried not to let the emptiness get me, and by the time i woke up i was feeling alright... david called drunk and told me he loved me and stuff, i had tv to watch... then i went online, and i was surfing, and i came across some stuff that i'd rather not know about... and again i tried to not let it get to me, but it's not one of those things that u can block... i started thinking a lot about life and the world and the ppl in it at a young age, so i've already realized many things that it usually takes ppl in their 20s or even 30s to get... and i was pretty much over that... i know the world can be an ugly place, i know one's existence can be a lonely ordeal... but that was fine, cuz i was coping, i finally had someone to help me cope, but today all those realizations came back and slapped me in the face, to remind me that the world is still an ugly place, and life is lonely, and what ppl say is never always what they mean, and those that perhaps love u the most will nevertheless lie and hurt u... so i was lost, i was disoriented, i was tugged into a whirlpool of confusion. the funny thing, now that i think about it, is that i didn't stop to ask why. i've stopped asking why things happen to me, why ppl do the things they do, why is it that they seem to be deliberately hurting me... i've just accepted that it happens... does this qualify as 'learned helplessness'? i don't know... i think i'm learning, to control myself... to not let my thoughts run... to not jump to conclusions... to not make a big deal out of things... but there's still a dull ache somewhere in my chest... it's like when acid builds up in ur muscles and it hurts, that's how my heart felt, and the sore was there... i don't know, is it better to analyze your feelings? or better to wait till it goes away? i used to analyze and over-analyze everything i saw and felt, i filled page after page after page of thoughts in virtually collections of diaries... but i don't think it helped... i never got closure. popular psychology as portrayed in movies and books are always talking about closure, and i always thought the deal w/ closure was totally blown out of proportion... but i guess now i get it... if i never get closure, the events that hurt me most in my life will always come back to haunt me when i'm down. why did i have to come here and do this independent deal? why me? why when i was only 13? why did ppl always think that i'm ok? why did the one i loved the most the first time hurt me? it took me a long time to get over that one. but then something good happened to me, and i got better... and it took a long time, months, years... but i started to believe that good and pure things can happen to me again... and now that expectation is dropped again... i'll have to remember from now on... everyone can and probably will hurt me. they might not mean to. what breaks ur heart can only be a little white lie to them. and it's going to hurt u. i'm trying to remember that that's not the end of the world, although sometimes it feels like it. i don't know what i'm trying to think... this rationalization is not helping... damn task-oriented stress coping. it's useless. so i went to the beach. i haven't done that for the longest time... months... i got off the car, and walked down to the water, i looked at the waves, i looked at the sky... and i saw a shooting star. and once again, my instinct was to wish that the person who was hurting me most would be happy. i've done that EVERY time i saw a shooting star in my life... (except for the meteor shower, where i didn't make any wishes at all...) why do i do that? what's wrong with me? why i gotta be like this? i don't know... i'd like to know... but i dun wanna pay someone $200/hr to tell me. maybe this is how most psych student feels rather than paying $200/hr twice a week for 10 years, i'll just spend $34000 on an education to figure it out myself. i don't know what i'm saying anymore... once again the numbness and darkness encloses me it swallows me whole.
i've never fully believed the theory that keeping urself busy can distance u from depression and pain. but now i kinda appreciate the idea...
when u're busy, u can tell urself u're not doing anything else b/c u can't, u don't have time for it when u're not busy, u realize u don't actually have anywhere to go, or anyone to speak to, or anything to do.
omg~ i feel like a complete iddiot. i messed up the heading title on most pages so i had to keep on reprinting my report.... i've printed 6 wrong pages... ><
i just finished my biopsych lab report... 15 pages... omg~~ and it's actually too short too, i should have another page or two for introduction and for discussion... and other things... but whatever man~~ it's done w/~~~
i would love to go to sleep now... i only got 7 hours of sleep last night (and none the day before, so..). but noooo i can't... cuz i gotta go hand in the paper in a bit... and then there's supposed to be GM~~ eeee dun wanna go, i know everything they're gonna say anyway... and so many ppl never go, always makes me wonder why i do. :p can't really go out n play tonight, cuz i have to start on the other stuff that's due pretty much right away, *sigh*... all i wanna do is curl up in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep... and read my novels and watch some movies.. and eat... i've been living off left-over pizza since wednesday night... it's getting really unappetizing. i think i still have 3 or 4 slices left... wow, i'm not eating much, am i... -___-" oh~ man~ i just realized, i have to study like NOW, b/c tmw i have to go sponsor-hunting (for the last time?), then meeting and then dinner and very likely something after dinner... noo0o0o0o0o~~~ and oh yeah. jenny's card... that can wait... haha (evil laugh) Friday, October 24, 2003
buubuu: thank u for hanging out w/ me all day on wednesday night... i probably would've freaked out way more if left to my own devices... or i might've started studying sooner... haha...
i am so ZZZZzzz right now...
i didn't end up sleeping this afternoon, as i was all excited about chem... or from chem... so i talked to emily some more about what was on the test, then i started to help buubuu prepare for his english midterm and i ended up going over.. :p anyway. so why am i here blogging if i'm drop dead tired? in fact i'm so tired i can't really see the words i'm typing, everything is a glowing blur.. i'm just here b/c i just had the most amazing psych lecture ever... i can't believe some crazy ppl went on to to ratetheprof.com and said that this is the most boring prof they've had, they've obviously never attended actual lectures... when i just got to class i was gulping down a big mug of strong tazo awake tea... and when i sat down to class everything was a bright shiny blur, much like it is right now.. (so u'll excuse my typos cuz i can't see em'). but once he started talking... wow... we were talking about post-traumatic stress disorder and other stress-related topics today, and everything was so completely applicable to my life experiences... especially so cuz i just finished another stressful episode of coping w/ organic chemistry, heh heh... i had a mini-panic attack last night too... it was mini compared to the ones i've had before. *sigh* anyway... from the questions that the students were asking, i felt like what winnie said could just not be more true... "psych students are just a bunch of ppl trying to figure out what's wrong w/ themselves". and i had a thousand questions in my mind too, but i guess i think about this stuff too much so i have the answers mostly... but it's kinda like my understanding of organic chem. so u use acetylide ion formation to elongnate a carbon chain, and this and that is the reageant and catalyst and this is the mechanism, but why? how exactly does it work? i have no idea. the class also got me thinking if a clinical psychologist is really the way to go for me... cuz the prof was talking about all these traumatic expereiences he's heard about during practice and how horrific some of them are, and they're not things that ppl normally would like to know about, described so vividly, by someone who is basically crumbling before u with despair and pain... but as a psychologist u gotta keep ur head above the water and not be pulled down by it, no matter how it makes u feel... and after listening to this kind of thing over and over again everyday, think about what that does to ur mood? ur outlook on life? true, he did talk about how rewarding it can be when a patient gets better, especially in the short form of post-traumatic stress disorder, acute stress disorder, where a person experiences about a month of so of extreme stress and anxiety and pain following a traumatic experience... and the prof described the miraculous feeling when u've helped that person go from suicidal to a normal functioning person again and u watch that process... but in clinical work, there's often more failure than success. and even when there is success, it's slow. and i'm excessively sentimental and melodramatic... can i really handle that kinda thing? my conclusion was, i am forever going to curious about misery anyway... i'm always fascinated by 'dark' stuff, by pain, by sadness, by depression... it might as well be that i understand it, then maybe i can better guard myself against it... the one thing that really got me worried tho... is how one person's traumatic life experience can become urs later on, as depicted in one extremely vivid example in class today. the following is a true clinical case that our prof told us about in class today... a guy comes in to seek help for his post-traumatic stress disorder. what happened to him was, one day he was driving in the car w/ his little daughter, and they were both in the front seat, and the daughter had the seat belt on and everything. so the guy stops at a 7-11 to get some cigarettes, and tells his daughter to wait in the car for him. while he's getting cigarettes, the daughter decides she wants to be where daddy is, so she unbuttons her seatbelt and starts to open the door. however, she didn't really open the door, she just unhatched it but it was still sort of closed. at this time, the dad comes out of the store, hops into the car, puts it in reverse, and starts to back out. at this point, the door opens, the little girl falls out, and the father ran over the little girl's chest. when u reached the ending of that story, did u feel a sharp shock? a jolt of ur heart? that would be it for most ppl, upon hearing this story. yes, the father was in extreme distress for a long time afterwards and experienced total trauma, but us as a listener would not have such lasting feelings. however, perhaps someday when u have kids, this story will come back to ur mind (and for that i apologize... for making u as traumatized as me, ha), and u will have this paralyzing fear that this may happen to ur child. so imagine hearing about traumas like these all the time at work, and then worrying that each of these might happen to u or the ones u love... kinda sucks to be a psychologist, doesn't it. another thing the prof pointed out was that police officers are subjected to this sorta trauma all the time, they 'scrap bodies off the roads, pick up remains of dead children', etc... *shudders* o-e.. i have a new found respect for em'... although i guess most of them won't experience that... i talked to a guy who's a police officer in tw right now and his latest adventures involved catching a couple having sex in the car and driving around for hours looking for a stolen car... -____-" another big thing that occured to me in psyc class today... we were talking about different styles of coping w/ stress among ppl, and there are 3 kinds, 1. task-oriented coping, in which u deal w/ the specific thing that's causing u stress, 2. emotion-focused coping, in which u concentrate on the emotional difficulty u experience and do stuff to get rid of that, and 3. avoidance, which is pretty self-explanatory.... of course task-oriented coping is the most adaptive behavior, except in cases of emotional loss... so the prof was saying how by getting into UBC and making it into 2, 3, 4 year, we must all have mastered the task oriented coping technique b/c we must have faced a lot of challenges and hard work and stress to get here... and yadda yadda... but my mind kinda stopped there... b/c i rarely EVER use the task-oriented coping style... i'm always 2 or 3... especially w/ study habits... if i dun wanna study organic chem, i'll put the entire thing off till 10 hours before the exam... and the thing is, i didn't face any hardships about getting in ubc... and not really for passing first year, cuz even tho i almost failed a couple courses that can only be blamed on my laziness... so.. i dunno. i think i was about ot reach some sort of conclusion in my head but the prof moved on to a new topic and i had to take notes and now what i almost had in my mind is forever lost. :p o-e... learned so much in one class... usually when i'm this tired everything's sorta just 'flat'... my mood is flat, excitment is flat... but today feels like ephiphany day or something. :p ai-yai. i have untill tmw afternoon 4pm to finish my psyc paper... i wonder how long it'll take me... hmm. i seem to be in terrible need to talk lately, if i see someone i can't seem to shut up, haha... i bumped into clarice today for the first time since summer and i kept on talking n talking n talking, heh heh... i guess i have been pent up at home for a really long time w/ nothing but the internet. well... that pent-up-ness is gonna last for another week or two.. the workload never ends... ai~ now that i've passed the organic chem hurdle i've finally realized how much i need to accomplish within THIS WEEKEND... @#&^@$. i guess this is where i sign off and go flop on the bed n ZZzzz now. man... i don't think my brain will stop racing tho...
yay~~ the worst is over~~~
dun get me wrong, i still have tons of stuff due in the next 4 days (2 papers one midterm one quiz), but at least organic chem is done w/. and i think i might've passed! i did the exam early cuz i have class during the scheduled time, so i was able to 'help' emily a bit, kekeke. if only i got that kinda help, man~~ she'd better do good~~ ai, i didn't sleep last night so i ought to right now, cuz my 10+ page psyc report is due tmw and i haven't started yet and i've still gotta go to class in 2 hours... but... so excited, can't seem to sleep... LALALALALALALALA, i'm done w/ organic chem!! haha someone had better remind me that the final is right around the corner and that i'd better study for that ahead of time, heh heh. i need to calm down... i'll remind myself that i failed my biol midterm... yeah.. that's right... a depressing 46%... oh well, what did i expect? inner voice: "uh, a pass?" conscience: "but i didn't study much..." inner voice: "u've studied way less and done better" conscience: "but this is second year..." ai... the inner strugle continues, whether i should be mad at myself or just glad i didn't do worse? heh heh~ anyway... i'm gonna do something else w/ my time... eat or something... i'll update... err... hopefully not tonight cuz i really need to be working on that report... -___-" Thursday, October 23, 2003
guess who hasn't done any work allll day?
yup. that's right, that would be me, the girl who has a huge organic chem midterm in 12 hours! whoopeedoo, i'm so screwed~ hahaha so claire's heart's been hurting so she went to get it x-rayed and there were all these problems b/c she was too stressed and now she's on mild antianxiety drugs... but she's so not stressed!! if she's on mild narcotics, what should i be taking?? -____-" maybe by the time my generation has kids, antianxiety drugs will become as common as tylenol cold... Wednesday, October 22, 2003
another thought. why do ppl have 'little voices in their head'...
mine's pretty loud... louder than my concious self a lot of the time... and yes, that would explain the talking to myself outloud.
took a 5 hour nap... (i really needed it).
but now i'm all off schedule... i have 36 hours to study for my chem midterm, and then about another 24 hours after that to complete my psyc paper... and of course i need sleep and need to attend class and other sh*t... :p i have options tho. i could skip my midterm and get a 100% final, haha... apparently it's not that big of a deal if u skip it... the profs don't really mind as long as u have some sort of doctor's note, cuz the final for chem 233 is traditionally harder than the midterm. :p so, skipping midterm is a no go. or, i could hand in my lab report late... it's only a 10%/day deduction, which i would lose anyway if i had to hand it in on friday... BUT, that's also a no go b/c they're gonna count saturday as one day, sunday as one day... and u can't hand it in on those days, so i'd lose 30%... GRR. yeah fine... i guess the only solution is for me to start working, NOW. or... in a couple hours... *ahem* for the first time in a long time today, i paused to think about how others might see me... it might be weird for other ppl but with all the things always going on in my mind, i rarely ever worry about what others think... or i realize it but i dun care or something... but this afternoon i really thought about it... i was walking in the same general direction as one of my lab partners and we were talking about the stuff we had due this week, and this was some of the conversation... b: "so u cook for urself?" me: "yeah. well... sorta... i tend to... sorta waste my day away and then get one take-out meal around 9ish. at night..." b: "that's... not good..." me: "i know... anyway, did u study much for chem yet?" b: "not a lot, i've been working on our paper. how about u?" me: "no... well.. i went to dan the tutor... yeah... i dunno, i never really study till the night before exams.. ubc should fail me once so i'd learn a lesson..." b: "fail? not that bad..." me: "well i got a 50 last term... but i think the only lesson i learned was that i CAN pass by cramming... i think... that was the wrong lesson to learn, heh" b: "hmm.. *pause*. u must be... how do i say this... *pause*. u must go out and play a lot..." me: "yeah... well.. no... i don't know what i do with my time...." i felt momentarily awful after the conversation... what AM i doing to myself? i should actually consider myself priviledged... i got into ubc, i don't have to really worry about tuition or basic living expenses, so i've got everything taken care of so i can concentrate on my studies.. but sometimes it's like i'm f*cking it up intentionally, flushing it down the drain... but then, it was just a fleeting thought. i don't think i'm gonna change much. haha all things considered, i'm improving already... aside from biol, i've only missed one class and one lab this term... the little voice in my head: "but u've missed like 2/3 of the biol classes" me: "sshhh" Tuesday, October 21, 2003
my sleeping pattern is driving me nuts...
i slept 20 hours from saturday to sunday, 2 hours from sunday to monday, and 5 hours from monday to tuesday... righ tnow it's 5:40am, and i just woke up... i'm drop dead tired, but i can't stay asleep... what the hell's wrong with me... actually i know what the hell is wrong is me - i'm not letting myself sleep normally, i stay up when i shouldn't and make myself wake up at 7am sometimes but 7pm at other times... :p i think... they should do a study on me at the ubc sleep clinic... heh ugh man... it's not a good thing for me to be awake right now, cuz i'm too tired to study, and i got a full day of class ahead of me, but i seriously need to cram for chem... and write that psyc paper... and research... goddamn the research, it never ends... so i was studying and researching for biol all monday morning...thinking that everyone's gonna have like a near-perfect draft and i was gonna have nothing... so i ended up with a general idea of what i was gonna write about but not very much in depth understanding of the material, slept for 1.5 hours, and i went to class with one page of outline, and found out i was amongst the few prepared ppl... pish. well at least i got my bonus mark, even tho i didn't even have to do so much work to get it. :p went to main library afterwards to meet emily and tried to find an article i needed... i was wearing my boots cuz it was raining and i didn't like my socks getting wet... so it was cluck cluck cluck cluck all the way into the study hall... and then i got directed to the downstairs bookstacks, so it was cluck cluck cluck cluck all around the super echo bookstacks... and then i couldn't find my way back to the stairs, so i cirlced endlessly around, cluck cluck cluck... and i didn't even get the article i want. GRR... woodward directed me to main and main referred me back to woodward. suggestion: triple-check before u go off looking for a book that's supposed to be in so and so library... anyway... got home around 5:30ish, hanged out w/ buubuu... then i got up to watch some tv, read magazines... basically wasted by evening away when i should've been sleeping at least... oh, well, i spent an hour or two doing psyc research online... only found 3 full text articles tho and i needed four... i'm so sick of going to the library tho. *sigh* i was watching the new joe millionaire... it's so weird... there's the new joe millionaire, this really really hot cowboy guy who's looking for a nice decent girl or something... makes u wonder wouldn't he have better luck looking in the south... and then there's 14 slutty and catty european girls, who all made disgusted faces when they were told the guy's a cowboy, but all start giggling and laughing and saying they're okay with it after they were told he's supposed to be worth 80 million... some ppl have no shame... and i'm starting to think now when they pick the girls they intentionally try to pick a couple that are gonna be bitchy and they try n keep those around for a while just to keep ratings high... Monday, October 20, 2003
it's 6:30am, i'm still working on copying those chem notes... >"<
at least they're starting to make more sense than when i first looked at them... the thing is, i kinda undrestand the stuff now, and i need to memorize it, which is ok... but... when i look at most of the sample questions, my head still spins... especially the 'propose a mechanism' or 'write the synthesis' ones... which are likely worth the most marks, haha... i guess this is how ppl fail this course? and another thing... dan-the-tutor's notes are excellent, but they are so different from the class notes... even tho everybody on the planet agrees that my prof's notes are absolutely useless... it's like... if i completely understand dan's material, i can probably only get max 80%? i dunno... i'm still wayyy far from completely understanding dan's notes. haha~ chem 233 dan-the-tutor final review starts on nov 22nd, and it's every saturday after that till the final date, so it's nov 22nd, 29th, dec 6th, 13th... that's crazy... but i know i have to go... and this time tickets WILL sell out for sure, so i'll have to get them as soon as they go on sale... which, might as well, cuz if i paid for the tickets i'll have to go, haha... so~ who wants to go with me? oh why do i even bother asking... i only really know like... 3 ppl who are taking chem 233... haha~ david is still amazed that dan is making $17000 in one day. (that's $42.50 from 400 people). of course $1000 from that is GST, and then he has to pay rental for norm theatre for 7+ hours, and he bought a LOT of junk food for us to munch on, i guess photocopying fee is nominal, and he has to maintain his website, and he hired a few ppl to help, and he has to pay for stuff like overhead, pens... alright. fine. the guy's still making at the very least $10000 in one day(assuming he's paying income tax on this... err), which is a total rip-off, but then considering that he's very likely saving each of us $400 by helping us pass the course and not have to re-take it, and he actually manages to make the experience enjoyable (he's REALLY funny), it's not that bad... is it? ah... see, tutoring is totally the path to richness, and u get to feel superior too. hahaha *pauses*. alright fine... i'll go back to working, sheesh... p.s. my LCD screen looks like a skull all of a sudden.. cuz it's squarish, right? and there's these buttons under the screen, so that's the teeth for the skull... *shivers*
been spending too much time on kimo... >"<
(see, i even learned a new face...) it's so addictive... to browse thru ppl's profiles, chat on msg boards... i'm so tempted to join VIP but u have to pay~~ (well, duh)... i dun wanna pay, i wanna be cheap cheap, ppl shouldn't have to pay to make friends... but then that's the sad reality, haha. i'm really just being cheap cheap tho, it only costs like... the equivalent of a bubble tea in richmond per month to join VIP, kekeke. i joined mainly to practice my mandarin... (i think i mentioned this already)... but now i'm a total addict. *sigh* yesterday was rozzie's birthday... and a couple days ago was emily's (10th), linda's (15th), and then 23rd is jenny's~ i forgot to call linda... oops. kinda sad for them cuz they're born around midterm time, haha... anyway, happy 19th birthday, guys~ by now 19 seems so small to me... cuz i'm kinda anticipating my 20th birthday already... half a year is not a big age difference at all, and it often slips ppl's minds... but sometimes for no reason at all it just seems so prominent... generation gap?!! haha~ not really~ so... what have i been up to... i slept for a total of 20 hours in the past day... so basically from 10pm-5am, 8am-9pm... such a pig, i sleep more than cats (14hrs)... it felt good tho... i woke up totally disoriented... i could hear a noise and i couldn't figure out where the noise was coming from, and then i realized it was cola cans being crushed or bangling around or something, and i was wondering where it was coming from still cuz i felt like my bed position was as if i was in my bed in tw... so i thought it was coming from the right, but then i knew i wasn't in tw, so it can't come from the left, etc... anyway, yeah, i was pretty disoriented... and i had a bunch of dreams... i think in one of them i was eating sushi... mm.. i woke up waking salmon sashimi, heh heh. dreams are nice... i think a couple weeks ago i kept on having disturbing nightmares, now they're just daily occurences, mostly about being back in tw... u see how much i want to go back??? grr. i forgot if i already blogged this... but the ticket back is $1751, and i'm still on standby for the return ticket... *sigh*. even if i get the return ticket, i dunno if i should go, cuz mom has to come by the end of this year to get her PR card and... oh... right... i DID already blog this. UGHHHH, i want to go to back to taipei, goddamn it!!! after i woke up i went out to get some kfc... sleeping for 20 hours and not eating for 24+ made me 107lbs, wow... haha~ i ended up getting too much food... there's still 2 pieces of fried chicken and fries and colesaw left... cuz i ended up just eating the hot wings and drink... (see, i bought way too much). then i went out to get subway for buubuu cuz he was stuck home studying for a sociology midterm~ we were laughing b/c i was wearing this yellow shirt that i haven't worn in ages cuz it hasn't fit for a long time, haha... i've finally begun realizing how much weight i've gained cuz it's winter and i'm trying to fit into some of my old clothes... it's confusing tho... i'm still the same weight as before but a lot of my clothes don't fit... and i'm exactly the same height too, so it only means that i got fattttt.... fattttt... phhhattt... hahaha~ i'm really ok w/ being phat... but that means that i need to get new clothes, especially pants, and i dun like shopping for pants cuz they never fit properly. (and also b/c i'm in love with this pair of diesel jeans that cost $210, >"<) david's older sister is back, w/ her new boyfriend... i think she was with her last boyfriend for 7 years, and they were saving up to get married and everything... *sigh* then she invested what she saved up in a new car i guess... haha... the old mel would say that that's a wise choice, a nice car is so much better than getting urself trapped in marriage, yadda yadda. i dunno what's wrong with the new mel.. :p maybe it's b/c it's a solara, which is nice, but not like niiiiice.. heh i actually started working for the past couple hours, except it's not really working... i'm just re-copying the 20 pages of notes that i took during dan-the-tutor into a neat, understandable version... planning to photocopy them and give them to emily as a birthday present. i give emily the weirdest b-day presents... in gr12 my b-day present to her was just to mark her english papers for the entire year, haha... from other ppl's viewpoint i'm just being cheap, but the way i see it, one year of paper-marking or dan's life-saving notes are worth so much more than some random item that money can buy. ok. let's see what i need to do for the rest of monday? 1. finish dan-the-tutor notes hopefully so emily can get them faster 2. finish a presentable draft for my biol 200 research essay that needs to be ready by 3pm... which is gonna be hard cuz i'm supposed to do some major research and reading, and my computer can't link to the ubc library... might have to go to the library later... AGAIN, ugh. 3. go to the driver's licensing place to dispute my ticket. this is important, i only have 3 more days to do this, otherwise i'm gonna be out $173. 4. find 4 articles for my new biopsyc experiment and actually read them cuz we have to DESIGN the damn experiment and i don't wanna look stupid, or have my group members resent me... 5. finish researching stuff for the last biopsyc experiment and read them and get started on my lab report cuz it's due friday and they said they're gonna mark really hard and i still need to study for chem... 6. start memorzing the parts of organic chem that i actually understand to guarantee i won't get a big ZERO. (or as dan-the-tutor puts it, "the big X of death". or the "0 for mOron". haha... he's funny, he really is.) 7. teach buubuu university writing, if he's started reading the text... 8. watch joe millionaire. kekeke ok... guess i'll get started with the list now... even tho i'm starting to get drowsy.... but there's no excuse, i mean come on, i slept 20 hours... even with the sleep debt and everything i shouldn't be tired now. (even tho it's 4am on a monday morning and the rest of the world is asleep...) Sunday, October 19, 2003
i'm probably being melodramactic, but it feels like...
forget it. it's probably just my melodramatic-ness... i finally broke my sleeping from7am-7pm cycle on saturday, when i slept at 6am and got up for dan the tutor organic chem midterm review from 8:30am-3:30pm... we went until 4pm actually, and i could've stayed and asked as many questions as i want, which i should've done, but i was absolutely fainty by then... but somehow, after i walked out of the theatre, the little geek in me decided we oughta go to the library and finish up the research for biopsyc and bio papers... -___-" it was a good thing we went too, cuz we found out that there was so much to do... for example, biopsyc needed 8 papers minimum for the last lab report, and 4 preliminary ones for the next experiment... and we didn't even have time to start on the biol research, so it's back to the library we go later today... *sigh* oh... wait... i'm referring to myself in the plural form... -____-" i stayed iin the library till 5:58pm till they were closing and kicked me out... it was kinda scary there... cuz i was in woodward, which is the biomedical or aka 'science/med' library, and i saw a bunch of the ppl from my major there... such competition... and i'm guessing they're working on the 2nd lab already, cuz one of them made a face when i said i'm researching for our first lab. haha i dun think i got the seriousness of doing well in university till i got into biopsyc... in our self introductions to the class, many ppl expressed how they weren't sure at all what they're interested in yet, but they're still working so hard at this stuff anyway... and other evidence is... there's 48 ppl in the biopsyc class, from 2 labs... and we're all writing up the exact same report, with the exact same data, and there are only a handful of published articles out there about the topic so everyone's pretty much working with the same stuff, but there doesn't seem to be any discussion of the report-writing amongst students.. it's freaky, cuz it feels like, my god, everyone else must know what they're doing then... and i really really don't... o-e. anyway, so, chem review. that was amazingly productive. it turned out that dan the tutor isn't the same guy that i went to for chem 121 review... oops, heh heh. he's still really good tho, he went over the stuff we did in chem 123 for a couple hours and it all became so clear, even tho he didn't cover everything cuz it's assumed we know... so i'll still have to cram on that... but by the second half of the review section when we were starting on the 'new' material, my head was just crammed... -___-" it didn't help that there were 400 ppl in the norm theatre either... the overall experience was a 9 maybe, cuz i learned so much, and he made a lot of good jokes, and there were candy and food and pop at almost every break, hahaha... but i didn't get the chips + pop that they gave during one break b/c some ppl hogged like 5 bags of chips and 3 pops... pish. haha... it's so weird, some girls lining up behind me got all excited b/c they were giving out small tootsie rolls... aren't they freaked out about chem??? who has time to worry about tootsie rolls??? but then i'm being hypocritical... i've got my tootsie roll still in my bag, kekeke. i guess they might've felt like, they paid their $42.50, get as much back as they can or something... anyway.. so i slept from 10 something to 5am.. not quite enough, but i'm awake, so i'm up... ai, i SO know that i'm gonna get real sleepy around 9 when i should go out and start working... damn, why does woodward have to close at 6pm... >< Saturday, October 18, 2003
I GOT MY PAYCHECK FOR SEPTEMBER! :)
it's a small paycheck, and it's not really my first one... but still... excited anyway. :) i guess u don't really feel like u're earning money till u get a real paycheck... cuz i've got quite a bit of $ from doing psyc experiements, but u get paid a $10-bill at a time... and then there was the DRC note-taking job, but i just got 'statements' and did a bank transaction to put the money into my account... and i don't get a high out of seeing my bank account balance rise cuz it's usually never me who controls the flow of $ in it... so... even tho my last job was actually taxable, and this one isn't, i'm still gonna count this as my first paycheck... :) i should act silly and frame it instead of cashing it, but i need the $$... haha Friday, October 17, 2003
uhh.. do i owe anybody a nicholas cd?
i have one here that i don't remember buying... -___-" or maybe i did, i dunno... it's the viva live cd... now i wanna go sing k... anyway, i present, this week's fridayfive. they're not really good anymore, and i'd ask ppl to give me questions to answer, but my readers seem to be a pretty mute bunch (not to mention small, heh). or maybe it's b/c i dun have a place where u can tell me what u think, cuz it's my space, who cares what u think. HA. j/king. 1. Name five things in your refrigerator. i. starbucks iced frappuchino ii. a box of "4 treasure rice" from two nights ago. (u know, porkchop, bbq duck, soy sauce chicken, plus a salted egg... cantonese food) iii. renee's mighty caesar salad dressing. (it's so good... and rich. very rich) what else? *runs to check* iv. ah, i have yogurt drink in there. 5 bottles... well, 4 bottles now, kekeke v. some washington apples from approx 6 weeks ago. 2. Name five things in your freezer. i. frozen prok/veggie dumplings ii. hagen daaz coffee flavoured ice cream iii. bacon wrapped sirloin chunks (ugh, not as good as it sounds) iv. zaru soba. yeah, it's frozen... u cook it, then cool it, then mix w/ sauce... so good! (i'm instant food gal) v. chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bars that i should probably throw out by now. 3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. i. garbage bags ii. big rinsers thingies u use to wash veggies in, whatever they're called iii. green tea powder, for washing dishes. it's environmentally friendly and cuts the grease as well as the leading brand. :p iv. three empty starbucks frappuchino glasses. i don't know why... v. i don't think there's anything else... might be a dead spider or two in there. haha~ j/king 4. Name five things around your computer. five? i could name 50. haha. i. cell phone (ah, the radiation) ii. cds. lots of cds. iii. calculators (yeah, plural) iv. book (alias grace) v. a stack of id or membership cards, passport, etc... things that i change when i travel basically. 5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. tylenol is the major drug i consume, but this week it is highly needed so it's no longer in the cabinet (or in my case, drawer). :p i. bandages. lots of them. both band-aids and those long wrappy mummy-style bandages. i'm a professional... i have cotton balls and wood spatulas and everything that u might need to dress a wound... ii. medicene. (duh). includes flu medicene, throat drops, stuff for infections, everything.. (if u get sick... u know who to call now...) iii. saline. (i told u i was professional. how many ppl have saline in their houses?) iv. Q-tips v. oil absorbing sheets boo. now i'm done. now i'm bored.
how do u write a letter to a stranger that will guarantee that u'll be noticed?
i'm always joining these friend sites, well not always, but i remember joining at least 4... and i set up a profile and everything and i'm really interested in it while i'm setting it up... but afterwards i kinda just forget about it... i believe my profile still says i'm 16 or something on a few websites, haha. but this recent one i joined delivers stuff on my msg board onto my e-mail, so i can't ignore it... but then i dun feel like replying anything either... :p there's all sorts of interesting (and weird) ppl online... it's just interesting to see what they have to say, kekeke. help me improve my mandarin slang too... >___<" somehow right now my icq display says that NO ONE is online. i have no idea why... i take it that it's an icq glitch... cuz i have never seen "no one online" before, EVER. is today boycott icq day? or is there some sort of virus that is supposed to go off today so no one is going online? i don't know. :p maybe it IS an icq glitch... cuz i'm getting an unusual amount of e-mail too... anyway. i ended up sleeping at 6:40am and getting up at 7:20am to go to class... i am developing an amazing sense of self-discipline. tho one could argue that if i really had any self-discipline i would've gone to sleep early and went to biol instead of chem. :p went home and crashed from 11-5, then it was psych class... was so tired... the material doesn't seem as interesting anymore, maybe b/c i know it all already... i can't figure out if i just learned a lot in psych 100, or i got the material somewhere else in my own reading... but it got interesting in the end when he was talking about incidences of obsessive compulsive behaviour. :) we got our midterm results back, although only the short answer section, i got an appalling 75%... >< i was expecting more like 95%... such a hard marker!! for example, how was i supposed to know he wanted a diagram to go with the answer when there were only tiny compact lines in the answering space? most of his marking comments don't make sense either... but i didn't bother arguing... they didn't mention anything about scaling down, so i guess being hard on the short answer is their way of scaling down... i'll go check out my MC section mark sometime, i'm confident that no matter how he marks, i did well in that... :p got home and watched some tv... i was re-watching this movie called "12 nights" with eason and cecillia in it... i didn't get the movie the first time i watched it, but now i do... cuz parts of their relationship dynamic in the movie is exactly like me and buubuu, haha. oh right, the movie basically documents the start and end of a relationship by recording 12 selected nights of activities... i got to the 9th night, which was a month after they broke up and the girl was still in love with the guy, and i really wanted to call buubuu, but i thought he was still sleeping... but he showed up! :)) had fun w/ buubuu tonight, even tho we didn't go anywhere~ we just stayed home doing silly things... looking at old photos, etc. :) somehow the months go by so slow... we just passed out 38th month anniversary... and somehow it seems much longer than that... hmm. *sigh*. it's friday now... chem, bio, biopsyc, psyc... i don't wanna... >___<" Thursday, October 16, 2003
anyway. i went to bed at 7am and got up at 7pm on wednesday. i didn't do anything that i had planned to do. except tutoring. it feels nice, to not see any sunlight for the entire day.
i was online around 4am and i was really really bored so i put on 'free for chat' sign just for fun, and then amazingly i all of a sudden got a bunch of msgs... i guess there are a lot of bored ppl online at 4am, they just don't talk b/c everyone thinks everyone else must be asleep. :p don't plan on doing anything productive tonight... just not in the mood again... i blame biol. i studied so hard but probably still failed, now i've lost my motivation. :p feeling 'gray'... do u know how gray feels?
where did u go?
want to relocate old friends... from tw that is... but dunno where to start... -____-" i was looking around on tw.yahoo.com's penpal section... and i found one old friend... and i found another person who supposedly went to the same elementary and junior as me, same year, but i have no idea who he is. :p where did u go? *after another 20 minutes of scanning thru profiles...* word of advice: the next time u see somebody and somehow u just know that the two of u will click, go up and say hi... cuz shit happens, and that might be ur last chance to say hi... -____-" Wednesday, October 15, 2003
advice, don't drink pure vinegar if u're not used to it.
everytime i have dumplings i always dip it in rice vinegar, and when i'm done eating the dumplings i drink the rest of the vinegar... but i guess it's been a while since i've done that... so now the inside of my mouth is peeling off. 4.5% acidic proves to be too strong for some ppl. (oh, yeah... 4.5% acidic is referring to 4.5% acetic acid in white vinegar. why? i'm not gonna tell u. kekeke) feel so weird... i just took a multivitamin and a tylenol with my hot milk tea... heh. such a weird combination. i've been feeling generally weird today... so i studied till about 5am for my biol midterm, and i was gonna go to sleep, when all of a sudden i really wanted to listen to 'katrina' by david tao, so i got up and fished out the cd and started listening to it... and by the time i turned the stereo off it was already 6am... and i never really fell asleep, so i went to class w/o sleeping... and the midterm turned out to be quite hard... the first question was actually not too bad but it was worth 20 marks and i don't think i make 20 points... or even 10... -___-" the rest was all like "where the hell did that come from". i don't even think it's b/c i didn't study enough... the questions are all like... "so i assume u know everything there is to know, so i'm gonna take the material out of the context and hit u with 6 questions u've never seen before, that requires lots of thinking and association, and give u only 50 minutes to do it." GRR... hopefully i passed... or am near passing... ugh... man... whoever thought that biol would turn out to be quite just as hard as chem... so anyway, i went to biopsyc after that and amazingly didn't fall asleep... tho i didn't find it to be as interesting as usual... then i went to the ski trip booth again for whatever stupid reasons that i don't understand... i hung around the buchannan booth (which was practically empty) for a while, then went to the SUB booth and stayed for an hour, doing nothing... i actually kept saying i was gonna leave, and so did a few other ppl, but i guess we were all just waiting for someone to leave FIRST, haha. i was starting to feel sick by the time i left, monthly thing, but when i got home i really felt like finishing watching 'you've got mail'... (for the nth time)... but i didn't watch much cuz i eventually just had to go to bed... gave myself a hard time over skipping chem, but at least the material covered today won't be on the midterm so it's not THAT bad, right? heh. i woke up when it was time to go to psyc lab but my stomach was hurting so bad i had to go back to sleep... which wasn't a good idea, cuz the lab was for our group members to discuss our experiment so that we can go home and write our report... and so far i don't even know my group member's names... shiit.. well i'll see them in class on thursday, and hopefully they'll be kind enough to fill me in... i also missed the optional rat ovarisectomy demonstration, but that's alright... can't quite imagine dragging myself to class just to see a rat being split open and have its reproductive organs ripped out. sometimes i wonder if the super sanitary practices of modern medicene, with their aqua blue or green suits and face masks and shiny scapels, is really better than the gruesome ripping off of body parts we see on those crappy tv series... it's a weird point of view, and i guess most ppl would disagree, but i think lying on a table paralyzed by anesthetics and having surgeons with face masks wave shiny sharp objects above u is more scary than say being tied to a pole and having cannibals dance around u. i don't know why. anyway, i digress... so i slept till 7pm-ish, got up and groggily watched some tv and ate, then popped a tylenol and headed out for tutoring... haven't tutored for two weeks... -___-" i think we ended up spending equal time talking about cars n other stuff than we did about the homework assignments we were working on... :p losing the professional edge? haha~ got some hot bubble tea and now i'm home... and telling myself that i should do some school related stuff, since i have so much due in the next three weeks or so... but... ai... i definetly don't wanna study chem, and i can't do research for my papers cuz i can't set up the ubc library proxy correctly... i could work on.. english... or read psyc textbook, which is not a very pressing task, but just much more enjoyable, heh. i'll see... i should really just go to sleep... lots to do tmw. lemmie see what i ideally should do tmw... 1. call and see if i can bring my car in to have the light fixed and see if they'll install my rear view mirror for me. 2. go to ubc libraries (woodward and koerner) and find and photocopy lots and lots and lots of material for my bio and biopsyc papers, then start working on them, and hopefully finish them... (quite impossible, but i'll try). if i feel up to it maybe i'll swing by the booth... tho there doesn't seem to be a point... it felt like, clubs day booth had much more purpose than ski trip booth... oh well. 3. go to richmond in the late afternoon and hopefully find some sponsors!!! sponsors!!! we need money!!! there's too many sports execs to organize events and too little PR execs to find money to fund those events!! :p 4. if i'm not x__X" yet i should study chem too, according to the ideal schedule i should cover 2-3 chapters tmw... 5. tutoring from 9-11pm. 6. go home and do biol readings and take unit 6 pre-test.. 7. sleep... i'll let u know how my plan went. heh. Tuesday, October 14, 2003
i am (to some extent) done w/ studying for biol. i would scan and upload my two sided cheat sheet just to show u how amazing it is, but unfortunately i doubt my scanner can scan it w/ enough detail for u to be able to read it. yeah, i wrote THAT small. with teeny little colored diagrams and everything. it's so amazing, i even photocopied it just in case they take it with the exam... i'm telling u... it's SO amazing...
(and yet i barely know anything about the test material. :p we'll see if i'm really a lucky #$&^*% in 3 hours.) Monday, October 13, 2003
oh yeah... i finished watching 'the hunt for red october' (took a 2 hour break, keke)
it's good... but my favourite submarine story is still the one i read in the short story book. :) (refer to some entry in the massive archive... haha)
it took me over 6 hours to study for unit 2. it'd better be worth it...
and now i'm pretty screwed cuz i have 26 hours left to study 3 big units... and i haven't been sleeping... those 26 hours should include two nights of sleep, so that leaves me w/ about 10 hours... and then i need to eat and stuff like that... so 8 hours? plus breaks and procrasination, 5 hours? heh heh. i'm really screwing myself up. :p it's a disadvantage, not being the type of person who can sleep for 2 hours and then continue studying. ah, the good thing tho, is that i've 'started' on my biology research paper... since i've found the micrograph i need, i've completed 5% of the assignment! heh... man... my vision is slipping.... everything seems to be glowing... i'm supposed to go going to sleep now, but u know how when u wash ur face and try to go to sleep, u can't, b/c washing ur face makes u feel energized... :p i know i'll end up going to bed feeling sick and eventually i'll kinda slip into unconciousness... i'm trying to learn how to make myself fall asleep... the trick is to try not to think.. i always get to a point where i'm half-thinking something, then it turns into more like a dream where things are happening that i intend them to happen but they are spontaneous too... and then i fall asleep... it's weird. i think... i'm not making sense anymore......
taking breaks whenever i feel like one.
i'll probably start panicking when i wake up sometime later today and don't have enough time to go over the material and i'll start blaming myself... but right now i just don't feel like pushing myself so hard. i'm watching "the hunt for red october" intermittently. it's good. it's hard to stop myself form sitting there and finishing watching the entire thing. (there's something grammatically wrong w/ that sentence...) Sunday, October 12, 2003
i'm an id person.
i'm hungry, i eat. i'm tired, i sleep. i want, i take. but i'm learning. i know it's an lame excuse to say "just give me time", cuz i've had time, i've had circumstances... to learn. to change. to take responsibility. to become an adult. but what i think the truth is... is that we never grow up. no one does. no matter how old u get, u're just a kid... cept u reach a certain age and status where u can't admit that anymore. i don't know if that thought is more comforting, or sobering... Saturday, October 11, 2003
studying sucks...
admittedly it might not suck so much if i hadn't procrasinated so much... but.. it sucks anyway. i spent the last 4 hours figuring out all the stuff i have to study for biol 200 and gathering info like what i need to know and stuff, then went over everything that was relevant from biol 112 - the prerequisite course that i am exempt from. ppl said that biol 112 was hard last year... and biol 200 in itself is overwhelming... so having to self-learn biol 112 the same time as biol 200 is.. -___-" and i haven't gone to class for a few weeks, that doesn't help either. :p i'm glad at least i was forced to study a little bit for three out of 5 units for the post-tests tho... this is less catching up than i was used to be doing last year, heh. and i'm starting to study relatively early. although just relative to my own erroneous past behavior, not the norm for university students. >< anyway. enough about biology for now.. i know i'm sick of it. i'll just look at what i've been doing for the past couple days... tuesday went to 8am chem, had dim sum for lunch w/ dad, slept, went to biopsyc lab and did our first experiment, which basically meant that we watched rats trying to have sex for half an hour and recorded their attempts. haha... it was kinda amusing, but fustrating cuz i couldn't tell what's a mount and what's an intromission... yeah, i think the majority of the population out there would not be interested in hearing me talk about rat sex, so... (if u ARE interested, ask me sometime in the next week. i need to work on expressing that lab for my report anyway. haha. if u ask me after 10 days i'll probably be sick and tired of it from writing the report...) after rat sex i hung around w/ jenny in the sub for a bit and put up posters in buch, then went to guuuuuu w/ dad~ mmm guu... we ordered a lot... ate $40+ somehow... -___-" hmm... that's all i can remember about tuesday... wednesday went to the keg in richmond w/ dad. it felt amazingly far, although it's actually about the same distance as i go to tutor... dinner was really really good... and cheap too, b/c dad got two free appetizer thingies from this guy... kekeke. we've been eating out almost everyday, becoming very concious of how much $ we're spending. we had garlic roasted shrimp, bacon wrapped scallops, and the classic sirloin dinner... mmm... so good, so full... :) after we got home for a while i went out to have bubble tea w/ david... read a bit of his english text while he and donald talked... yak yak yak... :p i had fun anyway. i see so little of him lately that it's not worth it to waste the time being angry/annoyed at each other. heh. i didn't fall asleep till 4am.. >< thursday went to chem at 8am followed by biopsyc, where i was the only one who knew what SSRI was, yay! (i just need constant confirmation that i'm not the dumbest in that bunch... ><) got off at 10:40am so went to the ski-trip booth for a bit, circled around looking for it... only stayed for about half an hour, cuz the booth was in buchannan and no one was paying attention to it (nevermind that no one's even there for the greater part of the hour)... went to eat ramen near broadway n cambie w/ dad, then i went to sleep and he went to practice golf.. i bused to school for evening psyc class... i had to bus home on tuesday this week and i took the wrong bus and ended up 6 blocks away from my usual stop... which is not far, but it was TOTALLY uphill walk... :p so this time i was really nervous about getting on the wrong bus again... it's not that i'm incredulously dumb or anything, the bus i used to take last year no longer exists... that's why i'm confused... i ended up taking 2 buses to school instead of just one... but oh well, i didn't detour or anything. :p ironically, when i got to school, i passed the engineers who were going to get something to eat. engineers ging to eat, and me going to class?? that's sad... for me... >< we didn't get our test results back for psych!! grrr!! i really wanna know what i got... oh well. i found a group for my presentation too, except we're not presenting till april 1st 2004... there's the question of do i start sitting w/ my group members now, or don't talk to them again till march? haha~ thursday night... i can't remember what i did... my memory is just totally gone.. i can't remember what i had for dinner even... (and i'm so preoccupied w/ food too) friday didn't even get to sleep till noon. :p tried booking tickets back to tw... i called air canada and if i go back passing hk and get the latest available flight back (early morning on the first), it will cost me $2497. WTF... >< so i called the traveling agency i usually book my tickets w/, and the ticket would be $1751, but i'm on stand-by for the 3rd and 4th... so... i might not get to come back on time... -___-" still considering whether or not i wanna go back... $1751 is a LOT of money... and realy expensive... and i might not have a flight back... and it's a lot of money!! :p but if i don't go back... then i would not go back to tw for a total of 1.5 years... that's just... craziness... (i used to go back 3 times a year). and i was all depressed from not going back in summer already... ai. i dunno what to do... cuz my family already spent a LOT of money on air-fare this year already... A LOT... so... this is classic dilemma of what i really want and what i shouldn't do... let's see. how can i possibly save/earn $1751 in 2 months? i could find a lot of tutor students by lowering $$... earn up to $700 in next 2 months... i could see if anyone still wants to buy my parking pass for the rest of this term and bus, saving gas $ too... maybe save $150-$180 i could get rid of my cell and television cable, that would save me $$240. then i'd have saved $1100... wow. makes me think why don't i just do those things anyway and save money all the time. (tho cell phone and cable is a little hard to let go of..) ai... i'll sleep on it... for a couple days. :p getting hard to think right now, it's pretty late... i've been using brains too... running low on glucose... neurons firing in unsynchronized patterns... gonna go zzz. Thursday, October 09, 2003
go take this quiz! and tell me what u are! i really wanna know, it's fun!
 Quark -- You are subtle and mysterious and people know very little about you. You like hanging out with small groups of friends (usually 3) who you are very close to. You are usually friends with other quarks like yourself. What kind of subatomic particle are you? brought to you by Quizilla
been kinda moody these couple days i think...
i remember a lot of crying... maybe b/c everyone's so busy, and busy makes them grumpy, and grumpiness causes misunderstandings... or is it b/c everyone's so busy, and busy makes them grumpy, and busy + grumpy makes them forget that other ppl have lives and feelings too... i dunno. didn't do ANYTHING today yet... i was supposed to go to downtown to do some stuff w/ dad, but i guess he got tired of trying to wake me up, so when i did wake up and i called him to see if he can bring me a jacket cuz i was feeling sick, he ignored me, and he ended up thinking that i just didn't wanna get up so he left, and i'm just kinda sitting here doing nothing now... cept thinking about food, cuz i haven't eaten yet... i dunno if i'm doing this out of laziness or convenience or spite... exam schedules are out... i've got a rather leisurly schedule... i have one of those huge psyc lab reports due on dec 1st, then abormal psyc final on 4th, biopsyc final on 9th, biol 200 final on 12th, then chem final on 15.. i guess i kinda wish that i would have biopsyc, biol, abnormal psyc, then chem or something... oh well. assuming that i can leave on tuesday, and that SARS is extinct, then i'll get to spend about 19 days in tw.... not bad. but things are so screwed up back there... i think i'll end up walking around doing stuff by myself for most of the day time... and checking the internet every two hours to see if i passed chem, :p that reminds me, chem. and bio. i really need to study now i suppose, altho i also really don't want to. i guess i could keep on telling myself that "it's only 30%", etc... -___- oh hey, i got 19/20 on my neuroanatomy quiz. yay. but the class average was 18.4/20, so it's really not much to be proud of. so. i don't really have much to say... it's one of those moments, those 'there's no point' moments... Tuesday, October 07, 2003
 take the butt quiz. and go to mewing.net. why not visit the site of someone who made a quiz about butts?
and when u're done w/ that, go to mewing.net.
yes, the wensite that the stuart guy keeps on linking to.
a new favourite quote!
"I want you all to feel pain", by the author of Darkness Divine u should check this stuart guy out. he made me think about something... normal ppl are boring cuz they're all alike, they can be catagorized quite well... but weird ppl, they're all one of a kind... Sunday, October 05, 2003
atama ga itai...
friday got up when dad went out to play golf... ate, watched tv. went to richmond to look for sponsors and get passport thing done, finally. unfortunately, sportsmart is no longer doing any sort of loose sponsoring. -___-" went to RC to get the headache relief roll-on thing from escents. it was $12.95! >__< it's hard to rationalize buying it cuz i already have all sorts of mint sticks or minty oils... but this one really worked for me last time vinci lent it to me... so... i bet my head'll hurt alot in the next few weeks, what w/ the biol and chem midterms and lab reports coming up... went to ubc for exec ice breaker. damn, i thought i was gonna be late so i ended up driving to ubc, even tho i wanted to leave the car for dad and bus there... and of course it didn't get started till at least 40 minutes past... it was ok... everyone seemed to be having fun so that means it was successful... got kinda bored when we were playing 'weakest link' tho cuz 80% of the questions were related to hk culture or hk pop culture... as most things are... ppl never seem to get over the fact that they're in another country now, holding another passport now. deal w/ it. really. went to dinner afterwards, sat at the "PG table", cuz there were 6-7 point grey grads at our table... interesting. food was so-so, but it got worse when we were served a huge spider... i don't mean this metaphorically... there was a huge fried spider on one of our dishes, and the best the manager could do was give a 10% discount? probably cuz we were kiddies... should taken a photo and threatened to spread it around on e-mail. :p went to meet w/ buubuu afterwards... we kept on arguing somehow... so hard to find a bubble tea store that had space... afterwards went to watch a little of the stuff he recorded during his bball tournament, then home, and daddy was asleep again... -_____- saturday went to have korean bbq for lunch, then dad went to shop golf stuff and watched tv and took a late nap... cooked some pasta for dinner, then went to check out the dsc bball tournament w/ jenny... ok teams... at least i finally found out the name of 'that guy that dribbles really well', so i don't have to refer to him as that anymore~ rushed to the csu dance afterwards... stayed for maybe an hour... david was tipsy. :p he would go dance, and then dance for maybe 20 seconds, and stop, and go back to standing or sitting... :p went to get a bubble drink and then came home, and my head started hurting.... so i'm using my escents headache relief. heh. it's not totally working tho... it still hurts... tho i don't feel like sleeping yet. i wanna read, but then if i do any reading i should really be doing text-book reading... >< man... i can't wait till next term, where hopefully i'll enjoy reading most of my textbooks. although i can't say i totally look forward to next term... i just realized that i signed up for 6 courses... and i need 72% in the two english courses, and as good as i can get in the rest so that i can get into english major... and according to ratetheprof.com, i'm gonna have to work quite hard for the grades... -___-" hopefully all the psyc 300c exams are this easy, and i can get like.... 95% in it... haha. if it really stays this easy it's completely possible... tho i guess i did study a lot for this test... i read the text book thoroughly once and worked thru it again and took lots of notes and went to and listened and took notes in all the classes and i worked thru most of the workbook too... that is THE most work i've ever done in U... although i needn't have done anything to know that the theory that would most likely recommend free analysis is psychoanalytic, or that the perspective that considers social and cultural influences is the sociocultural perspective... -__-" *yawn*. tired now. find something else to do. maybe read... i finished bits of paradise, finally. now i'm on to alias grace, even tho i shouldn't be reading novels at all. :P Friday, October 03, 2003
so... more stuff about my day...
slept about 4 hours before going to the 8am chem class. i usually have chem at 2pm and biol at 8am, but i needed the afternoon to sleep and study... it turned out that the 8am class was so much better than my afternoon class for some reason. i think it's a combination of the less-packed classroom and the fact that the prof is going over the material for the first time that day and that i was sitting in the front center... maybe the material was easier too, cuz for the first time for the longest time that i can remember, i actually understood what was going on in a chemistry class. amazing... u have no idea how big of an improvement that is for me. we got our test results back in biopsyc, as i mentioned... so happy! teeheehee! i dun mean to gloat but i've never gotten a mark this high in U on something that was non-essay... it means a lot to me... and especially b/c it's bipsyc... cuz for the past month i kept on thinking that i've gotta be the dumbest person in that class, and how the hell did i get in w/ my average, and that sorta thing... now i know that i can be just as good as them or even better... if i tried. i guess that means i oughta study for biol and chem soon. -__-" i was so happy i didn't even wanna go home to get some precious sleep, so i went to drink tea w/ dad... then slept and didn't leave enough time to review as much for abnormal psyc as i would've liked to... but the test turned out to be amazingly easy... like... crazy easy... freakishly easy... :) but then a thought occured to me... if it was that easy... then it might get scaled down... NOOOOO!! >< hopefully not... hopefully nobody studied... which might be true, cuz these two ppl behind me were talking before the test and the girl kept on asking easy questions and assuming the wrong answer (something about is the terminal button vesicle the same thing as the synapse) and the guy who was relatively smarter said he doesn't have the text... i dun really mean to revel in other ppl's misery... but.. each for his/her own!! so i came home after the test (which only took an hour instead of 2) and me and dad went to eat guu... then walked down robson and had gelato. why are stuff so expensive these days? i found a really nice but really plain pink sweater that i liked in club manaco but i flipped the tag and saw the number $229 staring back at me. is it just me? i mean, $229 for a normal sweater is wayyyy overpriced, right?! and this is club manaco!! what the #$(*^$... oh well. i'm easily placated by a double scoop gelato. and oh, tutoring got cancelled today so i didn't have to do that either. otherwise i'd still be driving home right now haphazardly... :p so... plans for the weekend.. pretty depressing plans... friday, passport n other official business plus club events saturday, tutoring + studying for chem/biol sunday, medical school information seminar and studying for biol quiz... ai... i'm really, REALLY looking forward to my 6 day break from nov7-12...
an terrific issue of fridayfive on my favourite topic:
(everything's more or less going my way today. wahoo) 1. What vehicle do you drive? 2003 toyota celica GT (black) 2. How long have you had it? one year. 3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle? me in the driver seat. heh no. the nice interior. 4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle? no tiptronic, only 140hp... 5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now? hmm... do i want the ferrari f-360 spyder, or lamborghini murcielago r-gt?
ecstatic.
i'm about to pass out from tiredness... but i'm ecstatic. i just got my first A- test mark in university that's NOT an english course. i got an A- on my psyc 260 midterm! OMG!! that's top 25% of the class!! after all those below average scores last year... so amazing... and to top that off, i think i might've gotten an A in the psyc 300 exam. i am absolutely ecstatic. Thursday, October 02, 2003
getting so sick of studying psyc...
taking an undeserved break (since i got up late, watched tv, and wasted time going to dinner at yamakiya already) it's just annoying when i understand everything but just have to memorize it... tests suck in that sense... everything should be open book... (especially chemistry, i would find a way to draw ALL possible test-worthy organic compounds in my book.) hearing about stuff from tw... claire was gonna go into a weird co-op post secondary thing where she'd work something like 4 days per week for the company and have 2 days per week of school (college).. she decided to go and went all the way to taichung but changed her mind in a couple days and texted to say that she's coming home... i still can't get over the fact that she TEXTED her decision. imagine me texting my parents to say that i hate university in canada so i'm quitting and moving back to tw the next day... yeah yeah, taipei-taichung isn't quite as dramatic, but.. picking that co-op thing is sorta a life-decision, and i've just never thought of life decisions as quite so reversible before. now she has to register in lessons to retake the university entrance exam next year. so brutal... if u don't happen to know, let me tell u what those classes are like... u go to class at 7:30am upon which u immediately start mock exams, u're not allowed to leave the tutoring premises for lunch, u stay there till 5:30 upon which you have an hour to go out and get dinner, then u study more till 9pm... this is 5 days a week. some lesson plans also have class on saturdays till late afternoon. they're really putting waaay too much emphasis on that one test... i don't see how so much forced studying is necessary tho... i mean, i can skip nearly all term and learn everything about chem 123 in 2 days and pass my final... how does it take 10 months of cramming to do adequate in a university entrance exam?? moderate review for 8 months and 2 months of cramming is still reasonable, but over 12 hours per day, every day.. that's just sick. so. in retrospect... i can handle a few more hours of studying for psyc. it's only 3 chapters, just 87 pages of information plus class notes, and it happens to be stuff i'm interested in. no biggie! ;p Wednesday, October 01, 2003
ah. not bad.
You will live in House. You will drive a silver celica. You will marry nicholas and have 4 kids. You will be a psychologist in england. play MASH
it sucked to have always been the person organizing stuff...
i think it's b/c of that, so everyone is quite used to me bugging them about doing this and doing that and stuff... and they got pretty used to saying they're busy or they'd rather not go... which is ok... everyone has their lives and preferences, i get that... but... it just kinda sucks to hear the word 'no' constantly... and the worst part is that sometimes when i really need the company, ppl don't get it... and they figure it's just another event mel's having... and hearing the word 'no' so many times from ppl u care about when u're already down is... -_______-" i should just stop asking to prevent disappointment. but then if i keep on asking, maybe there's a possibility that some day some person says 'yes' and i can go out and have a good time, or just try to forget about stuff, or just shut out the loneliness for a couple hours... i'm glad dad's here... even tho by the time i got home he's asleep already...
it's almost payday and the first round of exams is almost over...
and i'm about to pass out from sleepiness... >< studying is bad for me in the sense that once my mind starts going it refuses to stop and i can't fall asleep... maybe this is why i'm used to pulling all nighters...  |