why are you still here?

how have you been?
are you happy?

i wish we could talk like before, like nothing's ever changed, nothing's ever happened to effect a change... but we both know that's impossible.

i'm here because i reinstalled my operating system and - for the first time ever - forgot to transfer my bookmarks. all those links lost... several websites, several blogs, several photo albums, a handful of recipes and how-tos... links to my ancient life. i've always felt that i'm no good at severing ties, but trying to recover those links taught me that i'm more talented in forgetting than i thought.

so many people i've lost touch with, for various reasons. so many terminated relationships that not even the ubiquitous facebook can remedy. i've not only lost touch with all of you, but with myself as well.

perhaps it's just as well... we are different people now, aren't we?


i've tried so hard to forget it all... to remember just enough to know to stay away.
and now even that is fading...
posted by melody at 9/04/2008 04:59:00 p.m.

Candy Cigarettes

You're a total badass, but you don't taste very good.

Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody. In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think. And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends. You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

posted by melody at 9/02/2006 01:44:00 a.m.

today is valentine's day?!
there's been too many of those in the past 365 days, too darn many i say.
it's like some kinda trap... you go watch 'the breakup' and wonder why there's so many couples out on a wednesday night and you come home and you realize it was valentine's day. and by 'you' i mean 'i'. just like the time i went to see romeo and juliet on valentine's day. why do i keep on doing that?!

should've gathered up the girls and gone to sing k like last year.
i need a room full of people to sing 分手快樂 and give me hugs again. >____<
but everyone's sick. W was at the ER again yesterday, Cl just finished a four day hospital stay, L's got some kinda lombarthic(?) infection, i think Co caught something in mongolia, and i've had the flu for two months. work people said their agenda is to 'pick up hot guys' at clubbing, sounds a little bit too much on the wild side for me.

yeah... so i'll just sit here and wrap up some work... it's the end of the month, gotta get those manuscripts in anyway, right? a preview of my future adult life... you'd think seeing the breakup would make someone NOT want to be in a relationship, with all the fighting and stuff. but i never really fight much. my relationships all die somewhat quietly. it's worse that way i think. it's like it was doomed from the beginning so you don't even fight it when it ends. hmm. no... i'll go write some upbeat manuscripts. maybe "How Can I Save the Earth" or "Happiness Is Around Us All the Time". yeah, i think i'll work on those.
posted by melody at 8/30/2006 11:21:00 p.m.

the ants found my candy stash
Cannonball is in In Good Company
hurt but somewhat hopeful
for the time being.
posted by melody at 8/27/2006 04:52:00 a.m.

what a gloomy sunny friday afternoon.
i feel completely lacking in purpose or motivation.

stranded. i feel stranded.
perhaps it's better than drowning, no?


不知不覺學會了從來沒看懂過歌詞的'素直'。
posted by melody at 8/25/2006 05:29:00 p.m.

so this is the good thing about reading two books at once -

i don't have that "oh crap i have to go back into the real world now" feeling when i finish one. :)
posted by melody at 8/24/2006 09:52:00 p.m.

changing quotes.

used to be:
only those who risk going too far can
possibly find out how far one can go.
--T.S. Elliot

but then i found out how far i can go...
too damn far, that's how far.
too far east is west, you see.

so now:
the world is a comedy to those that think,
a tragedy to those that feel.
--Horace Walpole

and maybe:
losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.
--Ludwig Borne
posted by melody at 8/23/2006 02:58:00 a.m.

unbelievable.

i finally finish with school for a while and i'm wide awake at 6 in the morning browsing and ordering books on amazon.ca.

and apparently i'm enrolled in palaeontology (?!)

blogger is making me enter "pshiqt".
hahaha.. try pronouncing that out loud.
posted by melody at 8/19/2006 06:43:00 a.m.

so that was it.
i no longer need to go into the office and i'm done with my exams.
as soon as i finish this essay, my summer will officially begin.
(yes, i only get about half a month of summer)

hopefully that'll be the last time i run after a bus in heels and a short skirt. it's extra annoying seeing as my bus route from work passes at least 8 car dealerships. their bright glass fronts taunt me! although it's my own choice not to drive in taipei.

i feel like the last day of work is always anti-climatic. it was the same when i left senior high division too. you're thinking, this means something, but everyone else has their own work to do, so even if they care they don't have much time to give you a real send-off. so u really just clock out like any other day, just with a couple more bags of stuff to carry home.

i think it's been a really fulfilling "vacation".
what i intended to be a really long break away from all sources of stress is now looking like the beginning of my most eventful year. well, i'm not sure anything will ever top immigrating to a foreign country by myself at the age of 13, but it's been pretty... well, i don't know what it's been.

maybe i'm overrating it. afterall i didn't even do much traveling.
but working two jobs (two pay raises, whoohoo), securing a work-at-home part-time job for the next year and a future career was pretty neat.
it was also interesting to find out that i can finish 10 novels, 5 essays and 2 finals in under 3 weeks.
and walk around all day in 3 inch heels (trust me, it's some kind of acheivement)
and my capacity for healing and getting hurt and healing again (?) is rather astounding. maybe i'm an optimist afterall. is there such a thing as a cynical optimist?

i guess cynical optimism defines me pretty well.
my cynicism tells me i never learn. i will always be making the same mistakes, including procrasination, which i'm now doing. half an essay away from total freedom, really (rolls eyes in mockery of self). my optimism tells me, things always straightens themselves out in the end, even if it does take a really long time.

like my plane ticket. i was stuck without a seat for a while, but now i got one back. who knows, maybe everything will work out... maybe i'll finally get my credits for shakespeare, maybe i'll pass genetics this time around, maybe i'll even do well in my GREs, maybe i can finish my lab project and get it published before i graduate, maybe i'll even get a fellowship and a place at some decent graduate school. if that doesn't go through, maybe by some insane madness (or mix-up) i'll get that internship at cosmo. the possibilities are endless, endless!!

ok... enough insane ranting...
i'm gonna go get some caffeine to calm me down and tackle that essay...
posted by melody at 8/18/2006 07:19:00 p.m.

what's up with guys who ask for your msn but never add you?
is this the new "number-close"?
i know where you work dammit!!

hahaha. that amused me.
posted by melody at 8/15/2006 11:14:00 p.m.